How often/fast to expect text responses?

I often wonder whether people like me or just put up with me. Sometimes I express that in exasperating ways. Today was one of those days. I think the way I express those fears is annoying because my statements unintentionally sound accusatory.

Ginny said no one else expects her to respond to every message. Then I realized all of my friends interact in the same way that makes me question myself. I am the person starting the conversation. If I do not ask multiple questions, there is no conversation. None of my friends independently ask about me or my day. It is up to me to contact them, which means I am nothing more than an annoyance. Either my expectations are too high or I am annoying to everyone.

I don’t expect a response to every message. I feel upset when I realize I am always the person initiating conversation or trying to hang out. To me this says, no one really wants to talk to me or see me, they only do so when my badgering becomes unbearable. In other words, they respond to get me to shut up.

Does one person in a friendship usually start a conversation? How often and/or how fast do you expect a response to a message?

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Avoidance

Deleting “Friends”

I just deleted over 100 Facebook friends. It started with girls from inpatient treatment. Some of them are getting married and having kids. I’m happy for them, but seeing their happiness also makes me feel alone, inadequate, and jealous. They were just as sick as I was once. Why are they happy, successful, and in love? Then I started deleting people from high school who I haven’t talked to in 7 years and from there, it spread.

Except now I feel more lonely. WTF? This reaction makes no sense! I’m annoyed at myself.  I wish I was either so sick I was in the hospital or well enough to be happy. This half in – half out existence sucks. I’m not good enough to be inpatient or good enough to be normal.

Alone in the House with Anxiety

My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.

I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.

 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Changes are Coming

My day was exciting and anxiety provoking.

I worked with David all day. A new student came to tour with his mom. David was best friends with the new student at their old school. They gave each other a huge hug when they saw one another! The new kid is a cute 9 year old. He also murdered the class pet in front of everyone else.

The dynamics are about to be switched up majorly! All the boys in Ashley’s room helped give the new student a tour. Predictably, they all wanted to be the tour leader. John screamed and cried. Cory brooded. David was adorable showing his friend the ropes! The new kid ran in the hallway and before I could say anything, David says, “You have to walk in the hallway.” Later they went outside for one of David’s breaks, his friend turns to leave the room and David says, “Wait! You have to wait for staff!” So, at least for today, David was a positive influence on the new student. His actions gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

There are already issues. Like I said, Cory and John were jealous and the new student already seems to dislike them. He asked David which kids he didn’t like so that he could dislike the same kids. I envision them teaming up on other students and the new kid being the ring-leader. He was kind helping David in math class. The new kid is on grade level and David is not.

I start my new job on Monday. I don’t know if I can handle not working with these 3. Clearly, I have favorites.

Cory seems to be cycling again. He is head banging and getting a flat affect when he is upset. I’m worried the 3rd classroom supervisor won’t be able to react neutrally towards him. He loves manipulating emotions. Actually, it was funny! A few weeks ago, I worked with him and Heather was also working with him. She took something away. I don’t remember what or why, but he was unhappy. He started rambling, “I have feelings to you know! Every one has feelings.” *hits Heather* “See? You have feelings too Heather. I can tell on your face.” Note: He did not hit me. I am a boss at hiding my emotions and he has given up trying to goad me. He knows I can outlast him. I’m going to miss him whether or not he cycles. When he does well he is sweet and smart. When he struggles, he is like a puzzle because he isn’t motivated by anything other than pissing other people off.

David asked me to make him Giant Man. I did. He carried it around with him all day. ❤ He had two episodes in the morning, both after seeing his old friend. That bodes ill! However, he pulled it together and made it to the Talent Show. It went well. He was upset his parents couldn’t come, but his old teacher and principal showed up! We couldn’t tell him, in case they didn’t make it, but he was so excited when he saw them! We ran (err, speed walked 😉 ) around the building, showing them everything. Oddly, he wanted to show them the Quiet Room, even though he’d been there earlier in the morning. His teacher asked what we have at his new school that they should use at his home school district. He said, “We have fun.” She brought him a rose! He was too shy to do his act, but he did part of it and he got up on stage.

Gage had aggression during his act, but he was okay. It was mainly excitement. It still isn’t nice to hit adults though. I AM excited to work with him more often. He continues to regress. Also, I can challenge him academically! When I filled in for the 3rd classroom supervisor when she was on maternity leave last year, I had him doing multiplication and division. Months before they had him identifying more vs. less.

I’m going to have Gage, Jacob, and Sean in my classroom. That will be… interesting… because Barb hasn’t been making them do any work for the last half hour of the day and she is easier than I am on inappropriate language. However, my boss keeps reminding me, I’ll be good for Sean because he needs that and his school district wants him back in January. In order for that to go well, he needs to use appropriate language because we ignore a lot here, but he will get in trouble at his old school or another kid will hurt him. He won’t be used to getting in trouble, he’ll have behaviors, and he’ll wind up  back here.

I have to teach History and Science. I’m worried about lesson planning. I’m worried about meeting state standards and keeping their interest and teaching well. *sigh* I’m more anxious, than happy.

Also my favorite holiday is coming up, the day everyone binges, aka Thanksgiving.

I’ve wanted to purge for the past 4 hours. I ate 2 cookies after the Talent Show. I slept for an hour and a half and that helped, but I still want to purge. Thanksgiving will be great.

My mom weighed me this morning. I was “up” a pound (I was dressed in heavy clothes) and she says, “Yay! Now that is approaching perfection. Gee…Thanks, Mom.

On a positive note, my grandma is out of the hospital and appears fine!

Eating Disorder Superpowers

I feel discouraged, ashamed, pathetic, and stupid. I read an article about how the brains of those with Anorexia and Bulimia can override the urge to eat.

My first reaction was pride. “I have a super power! My brain is better and stronger than your brain!” That is messed up.

Edit 1: Now I’m anxious about the employee potluck on Wednesday. Eating in front of acquaintances is harder than eating in front of friends, family, or strangers. What if I can’t eat normally because I’m surrounded by people I see everyday, but barely know? What if people notice (in a bad, she is a freak, way)? What if Ginny is mad at me because she thinks I’m not trying? What if I cry? What if people judge me because I’m fat and don’t deserve food? What if they judge me because I’m gluttonous and greedy?

Edit 2: I’m crying thinking about it. FFS, what is wrong with me?!

Edit 3: Maybe if I fast from now until then I’ll deserve food and no one will think I’m weak and worthless. Yes, I’m back to thinking about fasting. UGH! On the other hand, fasting and work do not mix. It is unsafe for the kids, my co-workers, and myself.

Edit 4: I hate this and I hate myself. I want to head bang until the eating disorder thoughts are out of my brain. I won’t. I like my intelligence too much to give myself brain damage and that is the only way the eating disorder voice is ever leaving me. OMG, WTF. I was FINE this morning! I was joking with Ginny about the cats I’m house sitting. What happened? I don’t know. I weighed myself and I gained a pound. These people’s bathroom has a huge mirror. Also, there is a mirror IN their shower.

So far, I haven’t vented to Ginny, which is why I keep editing this and adding increasingly frantic thoughts. My thoughts are getting worse, but I’m trying not to mention it to her because I know it hurts her because she worries about me. Plus, she knows there is an attention seeking component and so it also makes her angry. I can’t vent to Jessica either because she is too fragile. Madison won’t understand. My parents won’t help. Their fear will just stress me out more. That only leaves here and the pro-Ana forum I used to frequent. I want to crawl out of my skin.

However, I was weak and I asked Ginny a bunch of inane questions about the potluck. While they weren’t overtly disordered (Ex. How many calories do you think are in the salad my boss is bringing?), they were clearly eating disorder anxiety driven.

Edit 5: I feel overwhelming emotions, but I’m not sure how to name the feelings…I’m not mad. I’m not happy. I guess I’m sad and scared. More specifically, anxious, hopeless, inept (Is inept even a feeling?), disappointed, guilty, small, weak, inadequate, lonely, pathetic, unworthy, unhappy, overwhelmed, panicked, precarious, uncertain, threatened, scared, unsettled, worried, ashamed, embarrassed, tense, and tentative. *sigh* None of those quite encompass the roiling, suffocating, tempest seizing my chest right now. All over a POTLUCK at work.

Edit 6: BROKEN, I feel broken.

Edit 7: 9 hours later and I’m still panicking about it. I did the “right” thing and ate dinner. Now I feel sick. I want to purge, but the whole reason I ate dinner in the first place was I felt cold, weak, dizzy, and shaky from low blood sugar. Purging defeats the purpose of eating. *sigh* 😦 FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT, WORTHLESS, WEAK, BAD, HORRIBLE, WEAK, so WEAK, gluttonous, greedy, weak, pathetic, loser. I hate that I “need” food. I DON’T deserve food. I have no excuse for “needing”. I’m bad. Food is evil. I hate food and I hate me and I don’t even have the body to show for it. BECAUSE I’M SO WEAK and pathetic and bad.

Edit 8: It has been almost an hour since I ate, but I can’t stand it anymore. The discomfort isn’t going away. I can’t do this. I can’t! I feel awful and sitting here trying to distract myself isn’t working. I can’t concentrate on school work. I’m either going to sleep or purging, Idk which one yet. FML. Crying again.

Edit 9: It is now 11 hours since I originally posted this. I did not go to bed. I purged. I know I didn’t even get it all up. Therefore, it won’t prevent weight gain. However, purging was still negatively reinforcing (it got rid of the bad feeling of being overly full). I feel like a failure. I can’t win! I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Good thing I am now too numb to cry. I tried running yesterday. I sort of helped SIB urges, but it wasn’t as good as cutting, binging, or purging.