How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

Romantic Relationships and Mental Illness

We went to the theater last night with a friend of my mom’s from our old church. Her daughter had disordered eating and still struggles with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. She tried living on her own once and became non-functional. She almost died. So, her mom said she had to live at home unless she got married. She is 38 and marrying a not-previously-married doctor. There IS hope.

I asked my mom’s friend about her daughter’s relationship. I said, I know statistically, there are plenty of people living with their parents, but the situation is a little different when you still live with your parents because you’re mentally ill. She said, if her daughter can find someone, I can. In fact (I can’t believe she said this! – though, I could see my mom admitting this to someone else), she said she never thought her daughter would get married. She is picky and has many bad habits (aka BPD makes her tough to live with). She said the fiancé is non-judgmental and things were revealed over time like he didn’t learn she lived at home for a while because she met him for dates. He didn’t learn about her impulsive, self-destructive spending sprees until he asked her to share the cost of a weekend trip out of town and she didn’t have a few hundred dollars saved, even though she works full time and doesn’t pay rent. So, he helped her make a budget. It worked. Idk about current SIB, etc., but I’d bet $ that she has scars, just bc it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

Buffy_dawn cuts

 

Anyway, it makes me think there is hope!  Even more than feeling embarrassed about living at home, I worry I am too damaged for anyone to want, but she was hospitalized way more than me, used many more behaviors, and is older than I am. Her behaviors are more likely to negatively affect others, such as taking a joint credit card and spending thousands of dollars. Of course there are ways around that like not creating any joint bank accounts. She must have other behaviors and/or interpersonal issues based on her diagnosis, but Idk specifics. Maybe she is better now, but she still used behaviors earlier in their relationship. Additionally, they’re having a small wedding because they don’t want to stress her out and she only has 2 friends (sounds familiar!). So, clearly, she is not completely better.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be healthy before starting any relationship. That part of why I pull away when someone gets interested. I’m doing them a favor! At the same time, if I wait to be “normal” I might never have the chance to find someone because I’ll be waiting forever.

Silver Hill Hospital

Has anyone with an eating disorder gone there this year or in 2016? The recently (sometime in 2015, but Idk when) opened a ED residential house and specifically mentioned sending some ED patients who needed “extra help” for motivation or weight gain to their inpatient acute care unit.

Do they ever use NG tubes or NJ tubes at Silver Hill Hospital?

I can’t find the answer anywhere!! I asked them online and they wouldn’t tell me; they said to call.

Dating and Eating Disorders

I’m trying my hand at online dating again. I haven’t met anyone IRL yet, but I’m nervous because any relationship threatens my eating disorder. I’m reminding myself my eating disorder will ensure I am lonely. I can try to build a life and if it doesn’t work out I can always go back to starving myself better than everyone around me in order to boost my self-esteem.

Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

2016-7 Memories_whiteout - Copy

Hello, Old Friend

Hi guys. I disappeared for a bit because I didn’t feel like being positive and I didn’t feel like writing because I knew few people read this. My depression is alright, but my eating disorder is a problem again. I’m predictable like that.

I posted this on the one pro-ana website I still frequent. No one replied. I’m more convinced my fears are correct and I am a hopeless, pathetic moron because even people who refuse recovery aren’t as bad as me.

“I’m skipping work right now because I binged (less than 800 calories – I KNOW this is irrational!!) when I could easily fast. I’m house-sitting, so I’m alone. It was probably an awful idea to weigh myself. I’m up 3 pounds and therefore, too fat for anyone to see me.

I’ve only skipped work once before. It was almost a year ago and my depression was crippling. (I actually posted about it here)

The worst part is yesterday I lied to my boss to get out of a team-building lunch and she called me on my lie!! I work at a school for students with violent of self-injurious behavior; on Wednesdays, the kids go home early. We get an hour long lunch. This week she said we were all going out together. I couldn’t handle it. I’m weird about eating in front of certain people. I know some of you hate eating in front of anyone. Personally, I eat in front of strangers and loved ones without too much guilt. However, my anxiety skyrockets when I have to eat with 3 or more acquaintances. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for eating bad food and being disgusting. In contrast, I know my family and friends love me at any weight and I don’t care what strangers think.

Anyway, I planned on pushing myself and trying the lunch, but they kept changing the place we were going to eat! I kept planning meals and then having to start over. They settled on an fast food place with no good food! So, I was a weak baby and avoided it. I texted my boss that I was ill and wouldn’t make it to the lunch because I needed to go home. She said: “I know you said no eating on your sheet about team building. If you say you were studying for a final then you don’t have to ask off or anything it is optional.” I’ve never had anyone call me on an ED related lie like that except my parents and therapists. Damn, it was awkward!! Now I’m afraid she won’t trust me.

I am a pathetic piece of shit. :(

I haven’t been fired YET, but if I miss more than 3 days without 24 hour advanced notification, I get written up. I’m scared my boss will know I lied again. I hate myself!!!

Am I alone in this? Please tell me you’ve done similar things. :wacko: Can anyone tell me fucked up ED and job stories so I feel less like a freak? I feel that I deserve punishment right now. I want to cut or binge/purge (that would be insanely illogical).”

I'm evil, I'm bad, do you hear me_faith_angel.gif

*sigh*

Maybe it is karma, but every time I stand up, I get a nosebleed and feel dizzy. I couldn’t work like this.