Romantic Relationships and Mental Illness

We went to the theater last night with a friend of my mom’s from our old church. Her daughter had disordered eating and still struggles with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. She tried living on her own once and became non-functional. She almost died. So, her mom said she had to live at home unless she got married. She is 38 and marrying a not-previously-married doctor. There IS hope.

I asked my mom’s friend about her daughter’s relationship. I said, I know statistically, there are plenty of people living with their parents, but the situation is a little different when you still live with your parents because you’re mentally ill. She said, if her daughter can find someone, I can. In fact (I can’t believe she said this! – though, I could see my mom admitting this to someone else), she said she never thought her daughter would get married. She is picky and has many bad habits (aka BPD makes her tough to live with). She said the fiancé is non-judgmental and things were revealed over time like he didn’t learn she lived at home for a while because she met him for dates. He didn’t learn about her impulsive, self-destructive spending sprees until he asked her to share the cost of a weekend trip out of town and she didn’t have a few hundred dollars saved, even though she works full time and doesn’t pay rent. So, he helped her make a budget. It worked. Idk about current SIB, etc., but I’d bet $ that she has scars, just bc it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

Buffy_dawn cuts

 

Anyway, it makes me think there is hope!  Even more than feeling embarrassed about living at home, I worry I am too damaged for anyone to want, but she was hospitalized way more than me, used many more behaviors, and is older than I am. Her behaviors are more likely to negatively affect others, such as taking a joint credit card and spending thousands of dollars. Of course there are ways around that like not creating any joint bank accounts. She must have other behaviors and/or interpersonal issues based on her diagnosis, but Idk specifics. Maybe she is better now, but she still used behaviors earlier in their relationship. Additionally, they’re having a small wedding because they don’t want to stress her out and she only has 2 friends (sounds familiar!). So, clearly, she is not completely better.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be healthy before starting any relationship. That part of why I pull away when someone gets interested. I’m doing them a favor! At the same time, if I wait to be “normal” I might never have the chance to find someone because I’ll be waiting forever.

I’m Failing Them All

My boss always pushes hands on activities, but the only reason we have the kids in groups is so they can handle a group educational setting after transition. Therefore, maybe it is okay to lecture.
 
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS.
 
What I am being asked to do is impossible (teach such variant grade levels in one class (1st grader, 3rd grader, 4th grader, and 5th grader in Group 1 and two 5th graders, an 8th grader, and a 9th grader in Group 2) with some only coming 1 or 2 days a week, while others come to all 4 classes/week), but I still feel like I’m failing everyone.
A few minutes after typing this, I started venting to Ginny anyway because WordPress was acting up and wouldn’t post. Yet, in talking to her, I felt like such a depressing, annoying, burden. So, I lied and said I had to go to dinner and I’d talk to her later. I cried for a minute, then I stopped fighting. I smashed a light-bulb and used its shards to cut. It was on my arm too!! That means my mom will notice. She’ll be so upset. FAIL.
I guess sleeping to cope only works for so long before you blow up with behaviors.

Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.

DSM V:

SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*

Ice Storm from Hell

A few kids were stuck at school until 7 pm. I finally got home! I have a bad track record driving in ice. So, Ginny drove me home even though it is (usually) 20 minutes out of her way. It took her 7 minutes just to get out of my neighborhood!

BEFORE the ice storm, my day was stressful and from about noon onward, I looked at the clock every 5 minutes wishing it was 3 pm.

I put myself with Joe because he was mad that I switched out his staff yesterday morning. He came to school in a bad mood. He ran to recess. I made him go back and walk with me and he spent the rest of recess banging on walls and running toward doors. I thought he was going to throw a chair at the new BCBA, but he just slammed it down next to her and hit the door. I’m surprised he didn’t melt down. He is the student who takes 4 or 5 adult men to keep him safe when he melts down.

Recess was insane as a whole. Gage had at least 2 timeouts, Ron told him to shut up, Sean played on the computer (there should be no tech on recess, but I picked my battles today), Joe, as I said, was running and hitting objects, John wound up in the Quiet Room after aggression because he couldn’t play with the foam blocks, David threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t win a game, and the new kid (who I haven’t made a pseudonym for) also wound up in the Quiet Room after trying to run away and then hitting whoever stopped him. Cory was the only safe, appropriate kid who followed directions!

Sean relatively good; as usual, he purposefully annoyed others. For morning work, we worked on a word wheel where you make as many words as possible using any of the eight outer letters once and always using the center letter once. Everyone engaged in solving the puzzle, but Jacob loved it best and kept working on it during lunch. He had 33 out of 44 words. During one of their breaks, Sean erased all his work. When Jacob noticed he ripped up his paper and started crying. At that point, someone walked in and said his bus was here early because of the approaching storm. Good timing!! Jacob didn’t know who did it and Sean was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

John was the last kid in our program at school. We were there over 3 hours past their usual time. The kids dealt with it better than I did. I scratched, bruised, and used my keys to cut when that wasn’t enough to help. My final exam is due Sunday and I haven’t studied much at all. I planned on studying, but I was stuck with the kids.

Also, someone left a pumpkin muffin on my window sill and I ate it and all the M&Ms I use as reinforcers for the kids. FAIL. I was going to purge, but Ginny was standing right next to one bathroom and one of the students was using the other bathroom. I refused their offer of dinner, but you can’t really call it restricting since I binged on stolen food.

Deleting “Friends”

I just deleted over 100 Facebook friends. It started with girls from inpatient treatment. Some of them are getting married and having kids. I’m happy for them, but seeing their happiness also makes me feel alone, inadequate, and jealous. They were just as sick as I was once. Why are they happy, successful, and in love? Then I started deleting people from high school who I haven’t talked to in 7 years and from there, it spread.

Except now I feel more lonely. WTF? This reaction makes no sense! I’m annoyed at myself.  I wish I was either so sick I was in the hospital or well enough to be happy. This half in – half out existence sucks. I’m not good enough to be inpatient or good enough to be normal.

Success!

Can we just take a moment and appreciate the fact that I’ve been alone for 5 days, went to work every day, maintained my weight, and didn’t restrict or cut? I want to tell Ginny because I’m proud of myself and I want her to be proud of me too, but she doesn’t want to talk about behaviors.

Thanksgiving

pie.jpg

Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.