Sexuality Struggles Part 2

In the first part, I talked about questioning whether my masochist and submissive tendencies are innate or learned. Before jumping into some of the other concerns I have regarding my sexuality, I want to add some additional thoughts about that.

I questioned the difference in judgement toward myself versus my loved one. I’ve never questions whether their proclivities are innate or learned… except my brother. I asked him about it because I find it strange that I’m a masochist and he is a sadist. However, that inquiry wasn’t about judging him; it was about trying to find answers for myself. Regardless, for most people like my gay uncles or queer sister-in-law, I don’t give it a second thought. I would feel sad for them if their interests and identifications stemmed from past abuse, but it wouldn’t make them less valid. It wouldn’t need curing. So, why do I view myself differently? Perhaps I view sadomasochism differently than LBGTQ?

Yet, I don’t think the previous Master I mention in my earlier post needs intervention. I don’t think he is a bad person, neither do I think my brother is evil. So, why does my urge to be hurt make me sick or bad, yet their urge to hurt others, does not? I’m not sure.

****trigger warning**** Abuse mentioned

I think some proclivities can be wrong like pedophilia, bestiality,  or sadism that involves non-consenting parties. Essentially, I see any urge that necessitates people or animals who cannot or do not consent to the sexual acts are wrong. That said, I do not think thoughts make someone evil. For example, we all (I think…?) have moments of anger where we wish someone would die. However, we don’t really wish they would die and we don’t act on that momentary thought. If someone only gets sexual gratification from pedophilia, are they evil? I believe, if they do not act on their thoughts, they are not bad people because they put their own urges below the safety and well-being of others. That is loving. I feel gross using the word “loving” to describe someone who has pedophilic urges, but perhaps it is an appropriate word. After all, I view my previous Master’s respect for my boundaries and denial of his own (later admitted) urges to break them, as loving.

My urges don’t involve non-consenting individuals, except, sometimes, myself… Of course, that is a contradiction because blanket consent prior to an event is technically consent. Therefore, unless I used a safeword, consent still exists. I do have fantasies where I revoke consent and my partner doesn’t stop, but I am not harming anyone else, only myself. That shouldn’t make me bad. It might make me sick, self-destructive, or broken, but not bad or evil.

On the other hand, I’m jumping through numerous logical hoops to justify myself. Does that indicate I’m incorrect in these conclusions?

Do you think someone who had pedophilic urges, but does not act on them is a bad person?

I assume everyone think pedophiles, any adult engaging in sex acts with children or contributing to abuse by knowingly viewing child porn, are bad people. If you disagree with my assumption and believe those actions do not make someone a bad person, why?

Do you think consensual sadism makes someone a bad person? If so, why?

 

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First Day!

Starting something new is hard. I suppose it is hard for most people. I’m anxious that people will think I’m inept and stupid. *deep breaths* Time to put all these positive thoughts into action! Fake it til you make it.

 

don't panic you've handled this before and this time you havemore experience - Copy

 

I’ll update you at the end of the day. I know no one here cares about my complaining; people are understandably interested in the positive posts. :p However, the reason I revived this blog in 2016 was to sublimate my urge to vent about excessive worry and maladaptive behaviors to family and friends because those conversations bugged them. So please bear with me. Talking to you often helps get that out of my system, especially when people comment because then it feels like someone hears me.

Anyway, have a good day!

Pessimism Creates a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

I did well until I was alone with no accountability or schedule.

I slept for 36 hours and didn’t get out of bed for almost 48. Unsurprisingly, my weight is no longer stable. However, I’m not as happy as I usually am about weight loss.

I’m not talking to friends. I worry my quietness indicates I don’t care, I’m too busy, or I’m not thinking about them now that I am far away, none of which are true. Unless, you count literally staring at the wall as too busy.

I’m lying to family about functioning and daydreaming about locked psych wards.

Passive suicidal thoughts are back.

This can’t be over before it even began. I don’t start the internship until next week.

I identified a few contributing factors. I missed meds accidentally for 2 days (now 3 as a result of sleeping). I’m afraid. While I’m sleeping a lot, I’m not sure if it is restful sleep because I’m tossing and turning all night and having unpleasant dreams.

For example, I was talking to student, who shares my past, about getting kicked out of school. I’m trying to explain that being placed in a more restrictive environment than a normal school does not reflect on your ability to succeed in a typical environment and it doesn’t make you bad. Suddenly Ginny’s daughter appears, we make eye contact, and I know she overheard. I immediately feel ashamed and wish she hadn’t heard. Then some random person enters and says, “I heard you guys are weird and into crazy stuff.”

Another dream: I’m at prom with a friend who left high school to go to residential treatment and then went to a new school. We get kicked out because former students aren’t allowed to attend prom. Then transporting, in time and place, I’m at a middle school dance for the school that kicked me out and I’m “asked” to leave the dance for the same reason my friend was asked to leave prom.

It doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to determine my dreams’ meanings. I’m scared I won’t fit in and I can’t handle this. I’m ashamed of numerous facets of myself like getting expelled from middle school and my perceived culpability in abuse. I worry I don’t deserve this internship and they’ll soon figure that out and ask me to leave.

Using behaviors ensures that outcome. Of course I won’t fit in if I’m constantly subtly self-injuring or I never talk to anyone because I’m too busy planning binges. I won’t be “smart enough” if I’m restricting and can’t think.

Part of the problem with posting all this positive stuff is I feel like I can’t post when I am struggling. On the other hand, that feeling forces me to TRY to be a little positive. I spent over an hour looking for inspirational sayings that tie into this situation. Many rang hollow because of my mood, but this one still resonated with me. 

I know I can still turn this around. What can I do to be successful?

So far, I’ve got:

1. Stick to a sleep/wake schedule (proving very, very difficult!)

2. Plan activities that get me out of the apartment and seeing other people

3. Create and use a daily schedule for studying, ADLs, and talking to loved ones.

4. Tracking positive, recovery oriented actions, instead of only focusing on “failures” Ex. Today I got out of bed at 8 am, took my medication first thing, and ate breakfast.

Omfg, listening to my parents yell about who was rude when my mom asked my dad to turn off the light when he was ready to go to bed. He is insane… He admitted her tone was friendly, yet says her “actions were mean”. Her asking him to turn off the light?! I hate how he interprets benign, normal interactions as a slight to him! I guess I do that too, in a way…but I don’t respond by making belittlimg remarks and yelling at people who I think dislike me.

Emergency Rooms and Rehab

I am upset (worried? I have a constricting feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe deep enough. The pressure and tightness lead to cutting urges; SIB is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to explode) because my friend went to the ER last night and then left against medical advice.

However, I’m grateful she continues being honest with me, despite knowing I worry. I know that isn’t the case with most people.

Tara_it is ok to be worried

She lives far away now; she moved a few states away last month. We met online in high school and ended up attending the same university, even living on the same dorm floor freshman year. We’ve accompanied each other in emergency situations throughout our friendship and I worried about her having no one close by for accountability… just like I worry about myself in a month… She was doing so well!

The ER nurse wanted to commit her, but the doctor let her go with some IV fluids.

She lost 20 lbs so far this month. That is extremely fast and despite starting at a healthy weight (she did great maintaining in her ideal weight range for a few months), that speed is dangerous.

She is one of 3 friends I think won’t forget about me, even when I’m a crappy friend.

I don’t know what to do. I asked Ginny for ideas, but I think I upset her because she had a close friend die from eating disorder complications. I suggested Skype during meals and my friend agreed to that. I also suggested a G-tube and there was no comment on that idea.

Does anyone else have ideas of how I could help?

 

In other news, I miss Ginny and the group of us that went to lunch Wednesday afternoons. Surprise: I haven’t eaten lunch on Wednesday since she left. I asked Iris on Ginny’s last day and she said she wasn’t interested in hanging out once Ginny left. She has been quiet lately, but that could be because I was also quiet last week when I was out of town and running around all day and evening or it could be because I was right and she is glad to not have to deal with me in real life or she is busy with the new job and I’m not a priority (which would be understandable, I’m sure I’ll be super busy once I move and have to get used to a new environment… the fear is that trend will continue once she is settled because I’m not good enough/boring/not as involved, ex. She isn’t around to tell me anecdotes about her family, so there is less to ask about).

My grandma is in rehab after hospitalization for weakness from atrial fibrillation and a glucose measurement of 500!! I didn’t know it could go that high. She has weeping edema and heart failure.

Mind Games: Can I Forfeit?

Not matter what happens I manage to find a way I am not good enough or a scenario where I’ll mess up.

I get a student from another program: It is because my boss thinks I am too inept to handle an entirely new student.

I don’t get the student from another program: My boss thinks I am too weak and emotionally vulnerable to handle their trauma history.

LotS_Cara's WTF face

Ginny leaves and invites me to the Going Away party: My boss, my boss’s boss, my boss’s boss’s boss, and maybe even her boss will all attend. It is over the lunch hour. There will be expectations of eating and intimidating people. I’m too pathetic to act normal. They will realize I’m a freak.

Ginny leaves and does not invite me: No one likes me. Ginny is glad she never has to see me again.

sam supernatural really really are you serious face

I am working on assuming (if I’m mind reading) or acknowledging the positive.

For example, Ashley thinks I’d be good for the student with a trauma history. When I advocate for myself, she still thinks I’d be good for the student with the trauma history, but believes more strongly that I shouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable parallels. This means she cares about me as a human being, not that she thinks I am weak.

Today: No one else pays attention to your food intake. People will be focusing on Ginny, I don’t envy her that! If someone makes an asinine comment, you can redirect them by asking how they’ll deal without her around.

dean supernatural laughs then gets serious

 

I ended up getting the student from a public school. His first day is later this week. I’m excited!

Random note: Vomiting when sick is vastly different from purging. Ugh. However, I am NOT missing my new student’s first day or Ginny’s last day, which are both this week. 

What is Self-Control?

I restricted, then I ate a few handfuls of gummy bears after work. Now I feel sick. I was going to purge at work, but stopped because I don’t want to be out of control.

I made a deal with myself. If I was alone in the house, I’d purge when I got home. I wasn’t alone, but now I am. Therefore, I want to purge. Blah, negative reinforcement is powerful! I want this sick feeling to go away. On the other hand, if I purge 2 days in a row, what does that say about my self-control? Maybe if I repeat to myself that REAL strength is eating and not purging, I’ll believe it eventually. In the back of my mind, I still believe the pro-ana ideas… Don’t be beaten by a cookie. You’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food. Empty is good. Empty is strong… okay, wrong train of thought!

…I could nap. I am sleepy, but that is also avoidance of the sick feeling from only eating gummy bears and a piece of popcorn today.

I promised my mom I would eat. If I don’t, she’ll be upset and we’ll argue about whether I am capable of moving and not relapsing. I can’t handle eating right now. Maybe later. No one will be back until 9 pm. 

I don’t like change. I’m going to miss everyone! My grandparents came over last night and gave me chocolate. My grandpa said, “Try not to eat it all at once.” as they left. Ha! I haven’t eaten it, but that isn’t the point. My point is they are extremely sweet to bring me chocolate! They’re 90 and 86 years old and they drove over at night to give me candy. I’m worried if I leave for a year, they’ll die. Also, my 14 year old dog could die. I told myself I’d be better about going to lunch with my grandparents on Sundays this semester. So far, I have not been better and I don’t have much time left!

 

I knew this would happen. My behavior is predictable. I am afraid I won’t measure up; I am scared my beliefs about myself are about to be confirmed. Plus, I’m already missing everyone! So, I binge, purge, and restrict. Why? I’m not sure exactly, to have an excuse if I fail or to stop myself from taking a chance that could end in failure in the first place?

I'm afraid to leave this place_Dr. Saunders_Dollhouse - Copy - Copy

 

I’m just rambling so I don’t bother other people and trying to distract myself. Apparently, I’m channeling Whiskey/ Dr. Saunders this week!

Work was fun. We’re trying something new with one of my kids. I always find that interesting. I trying to smile and talk to people more. I’m leaving soon, but I’m trying to practice opening up. Not enough for anyone new to know me, just enough that they think I’m not always serious… Although, I am usually serious! 😉 I want them to trust and listen to me. That means talking about non-work stuff. But NOT mental illness, oversharing is limited to people I actually trust. Once, I tried talking more to a co-worker and then he said he had feelings for me. That would be great! … If he wasn’t married.