Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

Romantic Relationships and Mental Illness

We went to the theater last night with a friend of my mom’s from our old church. Her daughter had disordered eating and still struggles with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. She tried living on her own once and became non-functional. She almost died. So, her mom said she had to live at home unless she got married. She is 38 and marrying a not-previously-married doctor. There IS hope.

I asked my mom’s friend about her daughter’s relationship. I said, I know statistically, there are plenty of people living with their parents, but the situation is a little different when you still live with your parents because you’re mentally ill. She said, if her daughter can find someone, I can. In fact (I can’t believe she said this! – though, I could see my mom admitting this to someone else), she said she never thought her daughter would get married. She is picky and has many bad habits (aka BPD makes her tough to live with). She said the fiancé is non-judgmental and things were revealed over time like he didn’t learn she lived at home for a while because she met him for dates. He didn’t learn about her impulsive, self-destructive spending sprees until he asked her to share the cost of a weekend trip out of town and she didn’t have a few hundred dollars saved, even though she works full time and doesn’t pay rent. So, he helped her make a budget. It worked. Idk about current SIB, etc., but I’d bet $ that she has scars, just bc it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

Buffy_dawn cuts

 

Anyway, it makes me think there is hope!  Even more than feeling embarrassed about living at home, I worry I am too damaged for anyone to want, but she was hospitalized way more than me, used many more behaviors, and is older than I am. Her behaviors are more likely to negatively affect others, such as taking a joint credit card and spending thousands of dollars. Of course there are ways around that like not creating any joint bank accounts. She must have other behaviors and/or interpersonal issues based on her diagnosis, but Idk specifics. Maybe she is better now, but she still used behaviors earlier in their relationship. Additionally, they’re having a small wedding because they don’t want to stress her out and she only has 2 friends (sounds familiar!). So, clearly, she is not completely better.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be healthy before starting any relationship. That part of why I pull away when someone gets interested. I’m doing them a favor! At the same time, if I wait to be “normal” I might never have the chance to find someone because I’ll be waiting forever.

Dating and Eating Disorders

I’m trying my hand at online dating again. I haven’t met anyone IRL yet, but I’m nervous because any relationship threatens my eating disorder. I’m reminding myself my eating disorder will ensure I am lonely. I can try to build a life and if it doesn’t work out I can always go back to starving myself better than everyone around me in order to boost my self-esteem.

Hospitals and Hierarchies

Things have been chaotic.

I did not use behaviors yesterday. I slept virtually all day. However, I became acutely suicidal and looked up how to create a noose. Then I made one and tested whether it tightened. It did. For a moment, I considered going through with it. I stopped because I imagined my mom finding my body and how much that would haunt her. I also knew she’d feel immeasurable guilt. My mom needs me because my dad and brother aren’t good supports and they don’t keep in touch. Ginny would feel guilty too. All those realities made me feel guilty.

I realized I don’t actually want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want everything to go away. I want to be good enough to be useful at work… No. I want to matter.

I promised Ginny I’d either go to the ER or call my psychiatrist today. Originally I intended to do that during work, but I decided to go to work today. I was afraid if I skipped again, I’d be too embarrassed to go back. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet, but I will. I doubt the ER will help. Inpatient won’t help me. They can’t fix me. They might keep me alive for a bit, but my intent waxes and wanes too much.

Supernatural_dean_sigh

My mom finally saw my leg. Her reaction was better than usual. She was sad and tried to help me problem solve. The issue is that her solutions aren’t actually helpful. She thinks she knows what I need to be happy and pushes those things. She is right that a boyfriend and a higher paying job would help in some ways. However, I love my current job. Eventually I want a family and I’ll need to meet someone to start a family with, but I’m not in a place where I can handle a relationship. Ugh. I was fine before I started typing this. Now, as I type this paragraph, I’m getting the urge to cut. That was last night.

This morning she was talking AT me. I got annoyed and snippy and then she got mad.

Also, I’ve lost weight and she is upset about that. I haven’t been restricting. In fact, I binged yesterday and never purged. So, I have no idea how I lost weight. Nonetheless, now she is convinced I’m restricting or purging.

Work was pretty good. I was with the kid with down syndrome all day. He was cute, as usual. He always makes me smile. He was mostly compliant and had very few behaviors. I’m still annoyed by the way they’re handling the kid I was with for a year because I still think they’re screwing up. I was able to let it go. Ha, clearly I’m not over it. What I mean by letting it go is that I was able to focus on my student and not self-injure.

I miss being in the action with the more aggressive kids. I feel useless and unwanted or second rate. Of course my opinions are ignored when I’m stuck with the easy kids. Who would listen to me?! I’m suspicious of why I’m always with the easier kids these days. I think someone thinks I am inept.

First Meet…

Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

Why should I Miss Out on a Relationship to Pass as Straight?

While watching my favorite Kahlan x Cara video again *squee*

I thought to myself, ” If I could have the dynamic I seek with a woman, why should I settle just so I can continue passing as straight?”

If I wanted to, I could chose to ignore any same-sex attraction because I am attracted to both genders. It would make life easier. My parents and grandparents would be blissfully ignorant and I wouldn’t need to worry about discrimination. Then I thought, my family would get over it. At least I’m pretty sure my mom would eventually. She accepted my uncle quickly when he came out, but I bet accepting your child would cause different issues than accepting your brother. As for other people, why would I want to work for bigots or surround myself with mean people? I should not have to deny how I love, like with BDSM, OR who I love to please other people.

Dating, Maybe…

I’m seriously considering getting back in the game. All of your comments, likes, and talking to my brother and sister-in-law, gives me confidence. I’m even talking to people on Fetlife again. …Shh.

However, school starts again on the 9th. I need to put a lot more effort into this semester. School always causes anxiety or depression. In turn, I brush people off or ignore them, not because I dislike them or don’t care, but because I am too wrapped up in anxiety or sadness. Half of my relationships ended because of the distance I created as a result of school and more than one budding relationship stopped because I accidentally gave the impression that I did not like the person.