Things have been chaotic.
I did not use behaviors yesterday. I slept virtually all day. However, I became acutely suicidal and looked up how to create a noose. Then I made one and tested whether it tightened. It did. For a moment, I considered going through with it. I stopped because I imagined my mom finding my body and how much that would haunt her. I also knew she’d feel immeasurable guilt. My mom needs me because my dad and brother aren’t good supports and they don’t keep in touch. Ginny would feel guilty too. All those realities made me feel guilty.
I realized I don’t actually want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want everything to go away. I want to be good enough to be useful at work… No. I want to matter.
I promised Ginny I’d either go to the ER or call my psychiatrist today. Originally I intended to do that during work, but I decided to go to work today. I was afraid if I skipped again, I’d be too embarrassed to go back. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet, but I will. I doubt the ER will help. Inpatient won’t help me. They can’t fix me. They might keep me alive for a bit, but my intent waxes and wanes too much.
My mom finally saw my leg. Her reaction was better than usual. She was sad and tried to help me problem solve. The issue is that her solutions aren’t actually helpful. She thinks she knows what I need to be happy and pushes those things. She is right that a boyfriend and a higher paying job would help in some ways. However, I love my current job. Eventually I want a family and I’ll need to meet someone to start a family with, but I’m not in a place where I can handle a relationship. Ugh. I was fine before I started typing this. Now, as I type this paragraph, I’m getting the urge to cut. That was last night.
This morning she was talking AT me. I got annoyed and snippy and then she got mad.
Also, I’ve lost weight and she is upset about that. I haven’t been restricting. In fact, I binged yesterday and never purged. So, I have no idea how I lost weight. Nonetheless, now she is convinced I’m restricting or purging.
Work was pretty good. I was with the kid with down syndrome all day. He was cute, as usual. He always makes me smile. He was mostly compliant and had very few behaviors. I’m still annoyed by the way they’re handling the kid I was with for a year because I still think they’re screwing up. I was able to let it go. Ha, clearly I’m not over it. What I mean by letting it go is that I was able to focus on my student and not self-injure.
I miss being in the action with the more aggressive kids. I feel useless and unwanted or second rate. Of course my opinions are ignored when I’m stuck with the easy kids. Who would listen to me?! I’m suspicious of why I’m always with the easier kids these days. I think someone thinks I am inept.