Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Long to-do list, no Motivation

So many things to do and plenty of time… I’m just not doing them.

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Holiday preparations distracted me.

I’m doing a good job bugging Ginny less while she is on vacation. At the same time, I feel like her lack of communication proves she dislikes me and wants me to leave her alone. Of course, I was the one offline all day yesterday. *rolls eyes*

People’s happy holiday pictures make me feel hopeless and jealous. In other words, not much is new!

I NEED to write my statement of purpose for graduate school admission, practice for the GRE, sign up to take the GRE, lesson plan, ask for recommendations, and clean. Instead, I slept until 2 pm.

I have a word document open, but less than one sentence typed.

Family is the same, occasional occurrences of major property destruction during fights and regular arguments, followed by peace. Christmas was good, ED is harassing me though. I didn’t use behaviors, I simple felt miserable and guilty for eating too much. I realized it is kind of messed up that I value myself more when I’m disappearing. That is when I take up less space and there is less of me.

My brother is separated from him his wife. We only learned that because he said he was at home, not in her hometown. They switch off whose hometown they visit every other year. He should’ve been in her hometown. Apparently, she went without him

At this rate, I’m going to miss the application deadlines for Fall 2017, just like I missed the application deadlines for January 2017.

I know I’m behind on approving and responding to comments. I’ll get back on track soon. I hope you’ve had (or you are having) a relaxing, safe, fun, holiday season.

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Changes are Coming

My day was exciting and anxiety provoking.

I worked with David all day. A new student came to tour with his mom. David was best friends with the new student at their old school. They gave each other a huge hug when they saw one another! The new kid is a cute 9 year old. He also murdered the class pet in front of everyone else.

The dynamics are about to be switched up majorly! All the boys in Ashley’s room helped give the new student a tour. Predictably, they all wanted to be the tour leader. John screamed and cried. Cory brooded. David was adorable showing his friend the ropes! The new kid ran in the hallway and before I could say anything, David says, “You have to walk in the hallway.” Later they went outside for one of David’s breaks, his friend turns to leave the room and David says, “Wait! You have to wait for staff!” So, at least for today, David was a positive influence on the new student. His actions gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

There are already issues. Like I said, Cory and John were jealous and the new student already seems to dislike them. He asked David which kids he didn’t like so that he could dislike the same kids. I envision them teaming up on other students and the new kid being the ring-leader. He was kind helping David in math class. The new kid is on grade level and David is not.

I start my new job on Monday. I don’t know if I can handle not working with these 3. Clearly, I have favorites.

Cory seems to be cycling again. He is head banging and getting a flat affect when he is upset. I’m worried the 3rd classroom supervisor won’t be able to react neutrally towards him. He loves manipulating emotions. Actually, it was funny! A few weeks ago, I worked with him and Heather was also working with him. She took something away. I don’t remember what or why, but he was unhappy. He started rambling, “I have feelings to you know! Every one has feelings.” *hits Heather* “See? You have feelings too Heather. I can tell on your face.” Note: He did not hit me. I am a boss at hiding my emotions and he has given up trying to goad me. He knows I can outlast him. I’m going to miss him whether or not he cycles. When he does well he is sweet and smart. When he struggles, he is like a puzzle because he isn’t motivated by anything other than pissing other people off.

David asked me to make him Giant Man. I did. He carried it around with him all day. ❤ He had two episodes in the morning, both after seeing his old friend. That bodes ill! However, he pulled it together and made it to the Talent Show. It went well. He was upset his parents couldn’t come, but his old teacher and principal showed up! We couldn’t tell him, in case they didn’t make it, but he was so excited when he saw them! We ran (err, speed walked 😉 ) around the building, showing them everything. Oddly, he wanted to show them the Quiet Room, even though he’d been there earlier in the morning. His teacher asked what we have at his new school that they should use at his home school district. He said, “We have fun.” She brought him a rose! He was too shy to do his act, but he did part of it and he got up on stage.

Gage had aggression during his act, but he was okay. It was mainly excitement. It still isn’t nice to hit adults though. I AM excited to work with him more often. He continues to regress. Also, I can challenge him academically! When I filled in for the 3rd classroom supervisor when she was on maternity leave last year, I had him doing multiplication and division. Months before they had him identifying more vs. less.

I’m going to have Gage, Jacob, and Sean in my classroom. That will be… interesting… because Barb hasn’t been making them do any work for the last half hour of the day and she is easier than I am on inappropriate language. However, my boss keeps reminding me, I’ll be good for Sean because he needs that and his school district wants him back in January. In order for that to go well, he needs to use appropriate language because we ignore a lot here, but he will get in trouble at his old school or another kid will hurt him. He won’t be used to getting in trouble, he’ll have behaviors, and he’ll wind up  back here.

I have to teach History and Science. I’m worried about lesson planning. I’m worried about meeting state standards and keeping their interest and teaching well. *sigh* I’m more anxious, than happy.

Also my favorite holiday is coming up, the day everyone binges, aka Thanksgiving.

I’ve wanted to purge for the past 4 hours. I ate 2 cookies after the Talent Show. I slept for an hour and a half and that helped, but I still want to purge. Thanksgiving will be great.

My mom weighed me this morning. I was “up” a pound (I was dressed in heavy clothes) and she says, “Yay! Now that is approaching perfection. Gee…Thanks, Mom.

On a positive note, my grandma is out of the hospital and appears fine!

Alexithymia (except guilt)

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My grandma is on oxygen now. She made my grandpa stay in the room last night b/c she thought she was going to die and didn’t call us! My parents seem to think she’ll pull through, but it seems this is how the elderly die. One seemingly minor thing goes wrong and then the rest of the body follows. Maybe they’re lying to me because they don’t trust my ability to cope.

My first emotional reaction was: I want to cut. I have to keep reminding myself that “want to cut” is not an emotion. As I’ve mentioned, I struggle to identify my emotions. That doesn’t apply to guilt. I can always name that one. So, I thought about it and I feel scared, sad, and (of course) guilty. I feel guilty because before my paternal grandma died she was in the ICU for months. One day she was alert, after having not been alert for at least a week. My dad had to catch a flight out of the country and I left with him, even though an uncle offered to drive me home so I could stay. It was the last time she was fully alert and the ones who stayed played cards and held full, coherent conversations, but I left early because I thought it was a sign she was getting better.

I also feel guilty because my mom gave me to same “I can’t deal with you right now. My mom is in the hospital and that is where you’re headed. You look gaunt again. I can’t deal with you in the hospital too. I have enough to worry about.”

Grandparents and Guardianship

The best part of my day was working 1:1 with the kids. It sucked otherwise.

My grandma is in the hospital for heart problems.

My mom is worried about me and threatened to take me to court to get guardianship. For now, that is an empty threat because I’m not sick enough. She basically called me weak and mentioned that my uncle agreed with her that I am selfish. They’re right, but nonetheless it hurts.

My boss said I officially start my new job on the 28th. I still think I don’t want it. I don’t want to teach, I don’t want the extra responsibility, and I don’t want to be stuck with the same 3 kids forever.

Heather asked Ginny to hang out this weekend, in front of me. I left the room.

My dad is home, which means my parents are arguing.

Grateful for Family Putting Up with Me

I was homebound in 8th grade. A lot of our students are homebound before they come to us because their school district can’t handle their behaviors. When they come to us, they’re usually significantly behind in course work, even if they’re intellectually on grade level. In contrast, I did not fall behind while homebound.

I think my parents were the difference.

They couldn’t stop all my behaviors, but my parents were effective in:

A. making sure they sent curriculum (which based on schools not sending curriculum to our students and later friends in treatment whose parents had to fight schools to send work, is probably an issue),

B. creating consequences that made me work, and

C. supplementing what the tutor (or special education teacher or whatever she was) did with me. For example, I took German, the woman didn’t know German. My parents hired a family friend to help me with German. Plus, the tutor only came once a week or maybe it was every other week. I don’t remember that detail.

What the district did by itself, wouldn’t have been enough, even if they sent work on their own (Idk, if they would’ve, I know my mom drove there a few times to pick stuff up when the woman didn’t bring it), the tutor’s presence wouldn’t have been sufficient without my parents’ consequences (her reinforcement was snack, lol) and extra help.

😦 Poor kids. I’ve thought it many times over the years, but I’ll say it again: I’m extremely lucky to have the family I have. I’d be dead many times over or on disability without their vigilance. Idk maybe they adapted as my behaviors changed, but even my grandparents or uncle (the psychiatrist) for example, wouldn’t have been enough despite being loving, smart, good people.

Plus, if I’d lived in one of those rural districts without good SPED services and didn’t go to private schools, I could’ve ended up in a school like my workplace. I almost did. After getting expelled from Middle School, my parents looked into alternative schools. One of the schools they looked at is a school we sent a student to last year as a step between our school and his home school. Furthermore, the school district provided academic resources, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy from age 1 – high school. The latter 3 dropped off in elementary school. Now I’m thinking about how Iris (The OT therapist at work) thinks I’m too high functioning to obtain OT services now days. I guess that is another testament to both the school district and my parents. I always had supplemental therapies (OT, speech, and psychotherapy starting at age 12).

I stumbled across old IEPs while looking for proper documentation for disability accommodations. My mom has them all the way back to 1991 when I enrolled in my state’s early intervention program. I sound so much like our kids, it is unsettling.

The lecturer for my class mentioned a homebound kid in an example and my mind goes down memory lane.

I’ve only been able to think about those years in the past 2 or 3 years without overwhelming negative emotions. I think the growth that allows me to remember things without pain is because of my job. Work has helped me be more compassionate with my younger self.

When I see myself in them, I repudiate young me a little less. If I don’t hate Cory for drawing in blood in the QR, how can I hate myself for similar things?