Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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New Year, New Stress

There are many good moments in every day, but overall I’m struggling.

For example, yesterday:

Sean gave me a Sweet Tart.  We were chatting in the staff kitchen b/c he completed everything! He said, “look what I have!” *looks* “I have those chewy sweet tarts”

Me: “Oh! I love those”

Sean: *smirks*

When we get back to class, he quietly put one on my desk and then flopped on the bean bag. He also stayed awake all day yesterday and completed 6 out of 7 works. Usually he sleeps at least half of the school day.

Jacob is having a tough time because we’re being tougher on him and he moved in with his dad. No one remembered to tell me! That angers me! Seriously?! No one thought to inform me that an emotionally dysregulated 12 year old student in my classroom had a major life change?! However, he got out of an episode of major property destruction in only a half hour, instead of an hour and a half. Plus, there is no hole in my wall!

On that note, I was pissed the principal let him kick a hole in my wall and did not go in to restrain him for over an hour because there was no aggression. However, that is solved now. Ginny talked to the principal and we changed Jacob’s behavior plan.

 

My boss IS leaving at the end of the month. 😥 This freaks me out. I’ve never had a boss I like leave! Not only is she a friend, but also I know she thinks I am good at my job. A new boss throws a lot into chaos. Will he or she like me? With they think I’m good at my job or inept? What will happen with Wednesday lunches? My current boss comes with us. Certainly, Ginny would want to invite the new person o join us so they weren’t alone. However, they might feel awkward with me there since I am an employee. What if they don’t listen to Ginny regarding behavior plans? What if they want me to teach all day, every day and still don’t give me lesson plans?

I wrote the American Chemical Society a long Thank You note because they have a free Chemistry curriculum online! Most complete curriculums require money. I don’t have a budget.

 

Additionally, I’ve used eating disorder behaviors in the past 3 days. I purged twice, binged, and restricted. My mom encouraged me to join Match and EHarmony. I finally joined them. However, now she is bugging me every day, multiple times a day about whether I messaged men she found that she thinks I’d like or whether I found men I think I’d like. It is SO ANNOYING! I know she means well, but it makes me mad.

Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.

DSM V:

SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*

Long to-do list, no Motivation

So many things to do and plenty of time… I’m just not doing them.

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Holiday preparations distracted me.

I’m doing a good job bugging Ginny less while she is on vacation. At the same time, I feel like her lack of communication proves she dislikes me and wants me to leave her alone. Of course, I was the one offline all day yesterday. *rolls eyes*

People’s happy holiday pictures make me feel hopeless and jealous. In other words, not much is new!

I NEED to write my statement of purpose for graduate school admission, practice for the GRE, sign up to take the GRE, lesson plan, ask for recommendations, and clean. Instead, I slept until 2 pm.

I have a word document open, but less than one sentence typed.

Family is the same, occasional occurrences of major property destruction during fights and regular arguments, followed by peace. Christmas was good, ED is harassing me though. I didn’t use behaviors, I simple felt miserable and guilty for eating too much. I realized it is kind of messed up that I value myself more when I’m disappearing. That is when I take up less space and there is less of me.

My brother is separated from him his wife. We only learned that because he said he was at home, not in her hometown. They switch off whose hometown they visit every other year. He should’ve been in her hometown. Apparently, she went without him

At this rate, I’m going to miss the application deadlines for Fall 2017, just like I missed the application deadlines for January 2017.

I know I’m behind on approving and responding to comments. I’ll get back on track soon. I hope you’ve had (or you are having) a relaxing, safe, fun, holiday season.

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Alexithymia (except guilt)

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My grandma is on oxygen now. She made my grandpa stay in the room last night b/c she thought she was going to die and didn’t call us! My parents seem to think she’ll pull through, but it seems this is how the elderly die. One seemingly minor thing goes wrong and then the rest of the body follows. Maybe they’re lying to me because they don’t trust my ability to cope.

My first emotional reaction was: I want to cut. I have to keep reminding myself that “want to cut” is not an emotion. As I’ve mentioned, I struggle to identify my emotions. That doesn’t apply to guilt. I can always name that one. So, I thought about it and I feel scared, sad, and (of course) guilty. I feel guilty because before my paternal grandma died she was in the ICU for months. One day she was alert, after having not been alert for at least a week. My dad had to catch a flight out of the country and I left with him, even though an uncle offered to drive me home so I could stay. It was the last time she was fully alert and the ones who stayed played cards and held full, coherent conversations, but I left early because I thought it was a sign she was getting better.

I also feel guilty because my mom gave me to same “I can’t deal with you right now. My mom is in the hospital and that is where you’re headed. You look gaunt again. I can’t deal with you in the hospital too. I have enough to worry about.”