Escape and Evade

I got more corrective feedback than usual today.

I was already struggling since returning from a trip home over the holiday weekend.

I miss my friends and family. I miss my dogs. I miss my co-workers and kids. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing. I miss knowing my boss thought I was good at my job, even when I didn’t.

I want more training. I didn’t receive the training I was supposed to because they’re short staffed. People expect me to know stuff that I don’t know because of my years of experience, but working with preschool kids is very different. I know the remedy is to ask for more training, but I feel like a burden to them and they’ll think even worse of me.

I’m flailing today. I ate 360 calories and burned myself on purpose. I want to run away. I’m having suicidal thoughts, even though I don’t want to die, exactly. I just want to escape these feelings.

I want to go home.

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Over-thinking Can Ruin Your Day

we often want something so badly that we ruin it before it begins by overthinking - Copy

 

Did you notice the lack of an anxiety-ridden post? There wasn’t one because yesterday was great! There was nothing to worry about. When there were HR paperwork problems or I had questions, everyone was extremely helpful and understanding!

I wouldn’t say I “ruined” it by worrying, but I lost sleep. Next time I face something new (like working with the kids in about a week!), I hope I’ll remember this. Things could go wrong, but I can’t fix something imaginary that occurs in the future. I can try my best and deal with problems as they happen.

Have you had a similar experience? If yes, what happened? Did it help you over-think LESS in the future?

First Day!

Starting something new is hard. I suppose it is hard for most people. I’m anxious that people will think I’m inept and stupid. *deep breaths* Time to put all these positive thoughts into action! Fake it til you make it.

 

don't panic you've handled this before and this time you havemore experience - Copy

 

I’ll update you at the end of the day. I know no one here cares about my complaining; people are understandably interested in the positive posts. :p However, the reason I revived this blog in 2016 was to sublimate my urge to vent about excessive worry and maladaptive behaviors to family and friends because those conversations bugged them. So please bear with me. Talking to you often helps get that out of my system, especially when people comment because then it feels like someone hears me.

Anyway, have a good day!

Thinking Doesn’t Make It True

I move in 4 days.

I miss my kids at work and I’m afraid. Not only am I uncertain I am capable of independence, but also things keep going wrong with my internship placement. For example, my semester starts in a few weeks, but I just received an email about their summer session starting in June.

 

My last day at work was wonderful. The kids made me a book of memories and advice.

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Everyone in my program (kids and staff), the speech and occupational therapists I’ve worked with, the behavioral staff, and the principals all wrote short notes.

IMG_20180417_111147_hdr - Redacted CopyIMG_20180417_111319_hdr - Redacted Copy                   “You were amazing and you helped us all.”

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Claire and Danielle also gave me cards and going away gifts.

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Plus, I got a framed picture of all my kiddos. None of the kids went to the Quiet Room. I heard Mark mention that it was my last day and they should make it a good one multiple times, which was sweet of him.

All this brought home the idea:

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Saying good bye is hitting me more now that it is a weekday and I should be at work. So, I’m taking sentimental pictures of my gifts and wondering how my kids are fairing, instead of packing…. Ha, I should probably get back to that, if I want to leave on time! Part of me, a large part, doesn’t want to leave. However, I know I’ll learn a lot and be a better practitioner in the future. Plus, my replacement was already hired!

Alexithymia Annoyance

Annoyance is the feeling, but I’m not actually feeling it. I just liked alliteration.

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I want to cut right now and I don’t know why. I’m not thinking about anything upsetting. I’m not dissociating. I don’t feel depressed. I can’t identify any negative feelings, other than, “I-want-to-self-injure”. Lame.

I told my boss’ boss on Friday that I was leaving. That made me want to cut. I think I felt sad because I also felt like crying, but maybe it was anxiety. I’m not sure.

dean supernatural facepalm

Mind Games: Can I Forfeit?

Not matter what happens I manage to find a way I am not good enough or a scenario where I’ll mess up.

I get a student from another program: It is because my boss thinks I am too inept to handle an entirely new student.

I don’t get the student from another program: My boss thinks I am too weak and emotionally vulnerable to handle their trauma history.

LotS_Cara's WTF face

Ginny leaves and invites me to the Going Away party: My boss, my boss’s boss, my boss’s boss’s boss, and maybe even her boss will all attend. It is over the lunch hour. There will be expectations of eating and intimidating people. I’m too pathetic to act normal. They will realize I’m a freak.

Ginny leaves and does not invite me: No one likes me. Ginny is glad she never has to see me again.

sam supernatural really really are you serious face

I am working on assuming (if I’m mind reading) or acknowledging the positive.

For example, Ashley thinks I’d be good for the student with a trauma history. When I advocate for myself, she still thinks I’d be good for the student with the trauma history, but believes more strongly that I shouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable parallels. This means she cares about me as a human being, not that she thinks I am weak.

Today: No one else pays attention to your food intake. People will be focusing on Ginny, I don’t envy her that! If someone makes an asinine comment, you can redirect them by asking how they’ll deal without her around.

dean supernatural laughs then gets serious

 

I ended up getting the student from a public school. His first day is later this week. I’m excited!

Random note: Vomiting when sick is vastly different from purging. Ugh. However, I am NOT missing my new student’s first day or Ginny’s last day, which are both this week. 

What is Self-Control?

I restricted, then I ate a few handfuls of gummy bears after work. Now I feel sick. I was going to purge at work, but stopped because I don’t want to be out of control.

I made a deal with myself. If I was alone in the house, I’d purge when I got home. I wasn’t alone, but now I am. Therefore, I want to purge. Blah, negative reinforcement is powerful! I want this sick feeling to go away. On the other hand, if I purge 2 days in a row, what does that say about my self-control? Maybe if I repeat to myself that REAL strength is eating and not purging, I’ll believe it eventually. In the back of my mind, I still believe the pro-ana ideas… Don’t be beaten by a cookie. You’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food. Empty is good. Empty is strong… okay, wrong train of thought!

…I could nap. I am sleepy, but that is also avoidance of the sick feeling from only eating gummy bears and a piece of popcorn today.

I promised my mom I would eat. If I don’t, she’ll be upset and we’ll argue about whether I am capable of moving and not relapsing. I can’t handle eating right now. Maybe later. No one will be back until 9 pm. 

I don’t like change. I’m going to miss everyone! My grandparents came over last night and gave me chocolate. My grandpa said, “Try not to eat it all at once.” as they left. Ha! I haven’t eaten it, but that isn’t the point. My point is they are extremely sweet to bring me chocolate! They’re 90 and 86 years old and they drove over at night to give me candy. I’m worried if I leave for a year, they’ll die. Also, my 14 year old dog could die. I told myself I’d be better about going to lunch with my grandparents on Sundays this semester. So far, I have not been better and I don’t have much time left!

 

I knew this would happen. My behavior is predictable. I am afraid I won’t measure up; I am scared my beliefs about myself are about to be confirmed. Plus, I’m already missing everyone! So, I binge, purge, and restrict. Why? I’m not sure exactly, to have an excuse if I fail or to stop myself from taking a chance that could end in failure in the first place?

I'm afraid to leave this place_Dr. Saunders_Dollhouse - Copy - Copy

 

I’m just rambling so I don’t bother other people and trying to distract myself. Apparently, I’m channeling Whiskey/ Dr. Saunders this week!

Work was fun. We’re trying something new with one of my kids. I always find that interesting. I trying to smile and talk to people more. I’m leaving soon, but I’m trying to practice opening up. Not enough for anyone new to know me, just enough that they think I’m not always serious… Although, I am usually serious! 😉 I want them to trust and listen to me. That means talking about non-work stuff. But NOT mental illness, oversharing is limited to people I actually trust. Once, I tried talking more to a co-worker and then he said he had feelings for me. That would be great! … If he wasn’t married.