Escape and Evade

I got more corrective feedback than usual today.

I was already struggling since returning from a trip home over the holiday weekend.

I miss my friends and family. I miss my dogs. I miss my co-workers and kids. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing. I miss knowing my boss thought I was good at my job, even when I didn’t.

I want more training. I didn’t receive the training I was supposed to because they’re short staffed. People expect me to know stuff that I don’t know because of my years of experience, but working with preschool kids is very different. I know the remedy is to ask for more training, but I feel like a burden to them and they’ll think even worse of me.

I’m flailing today. I ate 360 calories and burned myself on purpose. I want to run away. I’m having suicidal thoughts, even though I don’t want to die, exactly. I just want to escape these feelings.

I want to go home.

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Everything You Need

remain the same means same challenges storms - Copy

I like this one because it reminds me of a story my mom tells. I was born at 23 weeks gestation. A few weeks later, she was alone in the early morning, thinking about my twin’s death and wondering when I would follow because the doctors said I was dying from uncontrolled tachycardia. My heart already stopped a few times and they said soon it wouldn’t restart when they intervened. In the midst of her tears, an audible voice interrupted, saying, “She has everything she needs”

Maybe it isn’t about the wrong twin surviving… Maybe it is about being damn lucky to survive with what faculties I possess and trying my best despite the trip wires in my brain.