In the next few months,
I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.
I am scared.
I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now. On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.
Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.
God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing.
I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…
I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?