I’m trying my hand at online dating again. I haven’t met anyone IRL yet, but I’m nervous because any relationship threatens my eating disorder. I’m reminding myself my eating disorder will ensure I am lonely. I can try to build a life and if it doesn’t work out I can always go back to starving myself better than everyone around me in order to boost my self-esteem.
I look at this two ways:
- Each day is a new day and you can start over with a clean slate.
- No matter what already happened today, you can still start over from this moment forward. After all, a day is 24 hours. You can restart your 24 hour stop watch at any point. I like this thought process because often when I mess up, I give up. For example, if I eat something I wasn’t planning to eat, I say, “screw it!” and binge.
I still struggle with a crushing amount of shame, but I’m working on accepting this truth.
Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.
- Purging (xygnarlymad.wordpress.com)
- Binge and Purge (nomagicspells.wordpress.com)
- Struggling (zuzuspetals2013.wordpress.com)
- a brief reprieve (onegirlarmystrong.wordpress.com)
- Prevent Death From Bulimia By NOT Doing This (waragainsteatingdisorder.wordpress.com)
- Do You Know Why You Cannot Stop Bulimia? (waragainsteatingdisorder.wordpress.com)
- I’m Smarter than This (ememelle.wordpress.com)
- Accomplishment (katieroseking.wordpress.com)
- Purging (itsbeginningtheysaid.wordpress.com)