My day was a mixed bag. I talked myself into teaching reading too. Oops! Other staff were very helpful. I’ve noticed some behavioral issues and academic problems. Somehow they stopped Writing in the afternoon. I told them after Recess that we were going to start Writing again. It did not go well. I anticipated behaviors over it and no one did anything wrong. So, I’m not entirely sure why I want to cut or binge/purge and I’m not sure of the identity of my current emotion. I suppose in hindsight I see things I could’ve done differently. Those differences may or may not have altered the outcome of the situation. For example, telling Ginny to come back to the room or reminding the kids that they didn’t have to work. They can say no thanks. We won’t force them to work, but that means they won’t earn their work check. My coworker said some of that, but I didn’t know because I was out of the room when he said it and I didn’t want to step on his toes or inflame the situation. Maybe I’m reproaching myself for those slight errors? It could’ve been worse and it could’ve been better.
I’m frustrated with myself for agreeing to do more work! Damn people pleasing and genuine annoyance at the lack of academic rigor. If my boss wants changes to Reading, she should ask the classroom supervisor in charge of Reading to change things. Although, I’d much rather teach Reading to everyone, than Science, History, and Writing. Granted, my boss said, “That won’t be any extra work, right? All you have to do is get library books and model elements of a story, etc.” I nodded in response. I failed.
Edit: I’m alternating between looking up how to teach paragraph structure to 7th graders, sleeping, researching state standards for 4th grade History, and binging. I haven’t purged or studied so far. I need to do both. I got my lowest grade so far on a test. 90. 😦 *sigh* I don’t think I can teach. I can read out of a book like Ashley does for History, but I don’t think I can let it go at that. Also, I don’t actually know how to teach someone to write an essay. On the bright side, I haven’t cut or whined to Ginny, or anyone else…yet.
Edit 2: Maybe I should go over the expectations (which aren’t actually different, but co-workers rarely followed through) in the morning. You earn break by earning all 3 checks. You’re responsible for earning checks. To earn your Do You Work check…
Edit 3: Since I talked myself into teaching Reading, maybe we could switch Reading and Writing. As of now, Writing is at the end of the day. There is no incentive to work because after class is over, they have one break and then they go home. We could also make Writing follow through to the next day if you have a behavior (other than sitting quietly and safely, but refusing to work). We could also change the contingency. If you complete your writing assignment and earn all your checks, you get a token, if you earn 5 tokens, you can exchange them for a 5 minute break card, which you can use at any point during the next week (if you’ve had a safe body that day, if you’re unsafe you can’t use your extra break card that day). Or If you complete your Writing, respectfully review it with staff and make any needed changes, you can go on break early.
First of all, I worked with John and he was sweet. Additionally, he sat for about 30 minutes, after refusing work, without screaming!
The potluck was awful, but better than I expected. Most of the food genuinely looked unappetizing, which was stressful. I picked three things to try. I didn’t like 2 of the 3 things. I got seconds of that one though! I thought I did a good job of spreading my food out to look like a normal amount, but I failed. Heather made a big deal out of my food. I think she knows and judges me because she looked at me oddly. I was mad and on edge; I almost bolted, but I realized that would be worse. I felt miserable a lot of the meal, but eventually Iris sat with us and that helped a lot because she is funny and her loud personality makes staying out of my head easier. I sat through the whole meal even though it was tough.
I HATE Thanksgiving. It is more socially acceptable to talk about the evils of bad food. People’s conversations made it harder. They talked about wearing dresses or stretchy pants to Thanksgiving meals because they couldn’t button their pants after eating so much. They also talked about carbs’ badness. They discussed weight. Hell, the FOOD was labeled by diet, “paleo” this and “vegan” that…A few times I got a lump in my throat, but I didn’t cry in front of anyone! I was imagining that in my head. I did a good job controlling my facial expressions and overt expressions of emotion. I don’t think anyone noticed anything was wrong!
Once I finished eating, I felt sick. I wanted to purge; I was physically uncomfortable. I held out for a while, helping clean a little bit. Then I gave up. However, someone else walked into the bathroom on my way over. I went to the other bathroom and someone was in there too. So, I went to Ashley’s room. I started head banging because I was upset about the whole event, but I couldn’t do it hard enough to help without making too much noise. Therefore, I stopped. I sat in the room, with the lights off, and felt like crying. Only a tear escaped though. So, that wasn’t bad. About a half hour later, I felt together enough to face people again. My timing was perfect because people started playing stupid team building games and so no one noticed that I was missing!
It was difficult and painful, but I am proud of myself.
Plus, I’m doing a wonderful job bugging Ginny less and letting her talk to me if she wants to, instead of bombarding her with messages. That means we aren’t talking much at the moment; despite feeling unwanted, I’m still staying safe.
My dad is leaving tomorrow morning. My mom won’t be happy!
I realized I’m making this too complicated. Death from Bulimia or Anorexia is much more socially acceptable. People won’t feel the same anger and guilt. All I have to do is either not eat and drink for 3 days or simply stop fighting my eating disorder urges.
*sigh* When he first told me he was leaving tomorrow morning I felt happy because it meant I’d have more time to do whatever disordered things I feel like doing. Now I feel sad because it just became more difficult to take care of myself. I suppose I still have my own dogs to take care of at home.
On the bright side, I could only initially label my feeling as, “wanting to cut”, but as I typed, I realized I feel sad.
Plus, there is a day of reckoning on Wednesday for my co-workers and I’m excited for things to be set straight. Ex. Don’t let kids bite other kids, don’t talk about inappropriate things in front of the student. As a result, I have to stick around for that!
Ginny had an excellent, simple idea! When you want to hurt yourself lie down in bed with a pillow and hit your head there. I tried it tonight and it worked! Incredibly it worked better than my earlier binge.
I FINALLY found something less destructive that works as well as my maladaptive coping mechanisms!! It isn’t perfect because it is uncomfortably close to self-injury, but it is huge progress.
Thank God it is Friday!
It has been a hell of a long week!
Today I was with John. We started a new thing where we call one Quiet Room the “Calm Down Room” and go there when he screams. The other Quiet Room is still a Quiet Room. We talked about it and so far it seems to work! He walked there every time, whereas he stopped walking to his other screaming area. Also, he screamed less overall.
I had some self-injury, restricting, and purging urges, but I struggled through all of them and won. No one bothered me too much today. Danielle asked if I wanted to join her and my boss on a trip to the gas station for lunch. I felt wanted.
Because I felt wanted, I ate. I guess feeling wanted made me feel like I deserved to eat? Nothing at work made me want to SI. I was anxious on my way to work because I’m worried the co-worker who backed me up about Music is mad at me. She still seemed fine though. So, I’m not sure why I’m worrying this much when she seemed fine yesterday too. Anyway, this is a nice change of pace. It is more like it used to be where work is a distraction from urges.
I think Ginny is distancing herself from me again. I’m not entirely sure why, other than I’m inherently annoying. Last time, I knew it was because my decision to fast during the winery weekend drove a wedge between us. She didn’t go to lunch. I’m considering asking if she is avoiding me again. On one hand, I don’t like showing my paranoia. On the other hand, she said she doesn’t like having to read between the lines. She appreciated overt communication.
Anyway, back to lunch… I didn’t see the O.T. therapist or the new BCBA. I saw the BCaBA duck out before all the kids left for the day. Therefore, I assumed she wanted to be alone. Both Ashley and Heather asked me to go to the Chinese buffet with them. However, the group they accompanied was larger than my regular lunch group. I stopped going with my regular group because it was too large. Therefore, joining the other, larger, group defeats the purpose. Plus, I didn’t want to go to a buffet. I’m doing really well with binging and purging. Bulimia and buffets don’t mix well.
Since neither Ginny, nor my boss were at the meeting, we did online learning modules. One was on Autism Spectrum Disorders and Social Skills. A lot of it applied to me! I wish I’d had social skills classes as a kid. I received special education services because of my nonverbal learning disability and fine motor issues.
I’m house sitting until the 26th. That means if I called off work for Friday, no one would expect to see me until Monday. *evil thoughts* I’ll be relatively safe though because the people I’m house sitting for have 2 dogs and if I die, they’ll die.
It also means I have no one who expects me to eat until the 26th and I didn’t eat lunch today because I didn’t need energy for the kids since they have a half day on Wednesdays.