How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

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Not Happy with A??

WHY do I feel dissatisfied with a 96% on my final exam for my first graduate school class? This is ridiculous and even I KNOW IT. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel happy or at least relieved I passed. I’d be happy (probably) if my 96% was the high score, but it is not. I know I’m being petty loser, but I still feel like crying. I can’t explain it!

 

Buffy_about willow

Thanksgiving

pie.jpg

Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Fewer SIB Urges and I’m Bored

I’m bored. Ginny and my inpatient friend aren’t online.

Bored now

I saw Ron kick a female student, but I’m 90% no one recorded it on his data sheet. Also, my boss said to conversationally try to talk Cory into working during class. Today that turned into Heather and Ashley talking to him for a good 25 minutes when he wasn’t really working (he traced a few letters). Those 2 things bugged me, but DIDN’T make me feel like cutting. However, I’ve been consistently restricting. That keeps me emotionally stable because everything feels less important to me.

I ordered pizza and ate until I was full and when I was full, I STOPPED! That is awesome!

I continue forgetting my noon pill.

My mom comes home on Saturday. It looks like I’ll survive. 😉 I’m still anxious about my BCBA class. I need to explore the website and figure out how the internet class format works, but I’m avoiding it.

 

Edit: Maybe boredom is a good thing? It means I’m capable of boredom instead of ruminating on death in every free moment.

 

Quitting my Job

I have thoughts, but I’m so tired. People used to say I was eloquent, now I’m repetitive and boring. buffy just trying to keep from dying

I’m increasingly jealous of Ashley. Friday I overheard co-workers wondering how she handled the new kid because she has been with him everyday since I had surgery. My boss put me with him during his first week. Now everyone talks about how patient and calm she is with him. My boss works with her everyday, all day. She worked with me with another student before he became a 2:1. All of our students are 1:1, one adult staffed with one student. Some students are so violent that they need 2 adults with them all day to keep everyone safe. For 2 months, I worked with a student as a 1:1, while we got approval from the school district for a 2:1. For those 2 months, my boss worked with me every day. She trusted me not to react inappropriately to the kid. Now it is all about Ashley. My boss trusts her more. She is better than me. She got the promotion. She has a masters degree. She is fucking smart.

I worked with another kid for over a year straight. A lot of people couldn’t handle his constant screaming. They used to say they didn’t know how I handled him, just like they say about Ashley now. (Ha, I’m so emotional, I typed her real name, crap) Therefore, my boss and Ginny often asked my opinion on him. Now no one asks me about him. In fact, he is the one I think they’re screwing up.

Fuck this shit. I used to love my job.

I’ve thought a lot about quitting lately. I feel trapped because if I want to be a BCBA, I need thousands of hours of supervision. My job is the most practical way to do that and Ginny is willing to supervise me.

So, I stay. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

I don’t think I can take Barb’s job, if they ever give her the new position they keep promising. Ashley teaches 3 classes right now and does a stellar job. I can’t do better than she does. So, why try? Fuck her. Fuck this job.

I feel like I was more functional when I self-injured more often. I think I’ve deteriorated since I gave Ginny my blades. Perhaps cutting again is wise, at least until the meds kick in.

I don’t like the new BCBA. I don’t know her, but I don’t like the thought of her. They split the kids up differently. Therefore, I have to ask her things, not Ginny. I’m becoming more and more invisible and fucking useless here. No one would care if I disappeared. Ginny would care if I killed myself because she’d feel guilty. However, no one, including her, would blink if I disappeared.

I’m cursing a lot, not so eloquent. My mom used to say cursing was for people with small vocabularies.

Speaking of my mom, things are becoming more tenuous and combative. I KNOW that is my fault because I am irritable and rude.

Edited to Add: I started off this post thinking of POSITIVE thoughts in my head. I felt too tired to write them out, but then my mind started racing and the negative thoughts poured out. Strange how that works… It takes effort to form coherent, positive thoughts, but negative thoughts flow freely.

The Boss and the Behavior Analyst

I woke up in an okay mood. In other words, I didn’t feel like crying as soon as I woke up.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Ginny said some curious things last night. She said she appreciates me. She knows I was  only trying to help when I filled out the data and I care immensely. I already told you, but she also said she still wanted to hear my ideas because my ideas are good.  She said she still wants to know about the discrepancies I notice behavior plan implementation because then she can conspicuously watch and “notice”. Moreover, my boss didn’t want to talk to me because I was the hardest working and most dependable behavior assistant.

The best part was she said, once I start my course, she wants me to help fix the interobserver agreement problems! Interobserver agreement is the degree to which two or more observers report the same data on the same event. Plus, she is aware that I am the only one correctly implementing behavior plans. I asked her how she knew and she said she listens without looking. People tend to do the right thing when they know she is watching, which is frustrating because that means they know what they’re supposed to be doing. Another way she knows is because when she asks about behavior plans, I always have the right answer, even more often than my boss!

This is difficult to believe since the new assistant behavior analyst arrived, but she said she asks my opinions on behavioral interventions vastly more often than she asks anyone else. It got through to me. 🙂 She thinks I have value at work and even though she isn’t directly above me in the hierarchy, she is the head behaviorist and I care most about the behavioral piece of my job. Therefore, her opinion matters the most. Of course, my boss is my boss and her opinion matters too, but Ginny knows the most about behavior interventions.

I signed up for the first course I need to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (that is Ginny’s job). I’m afraid of going back to school. I think taking that official step increased my depression. I originally started blogging as a coping mechanism in law school. This blog is new (as of July) because I didn’t remember the password to my old blog. Eventually I figured it out, but I already had followers here. So, I just imported the old content from that blog to this one. Anyway, I relapsed into suicidal depression, even worse than now, in law school. I took a medical leave of absence and never went back. It left a back taste in my mouth. I’m afraid the pressure of school will be too much. Ginny bets I could pass the boards now. Lol, too bad they require the courses and official observation hours, even though I bet I meet the hours already. Unfortunately, they only start counting hours after you begin the first course.

I showed another friend my blog. She said I need inpatient treatment and sent me a link to a treatment program.

My mom will be out tonight. That usually leads to behaviors because I can “get away” with it. I can binge/ purge without worrying she’ll get home while I’m purging. Been there. Done that. I can cut without worrying she’ll walk in before I clean up.

Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don’t

Fuck. I fail.

I told Ginny (she is my friend, but also the behaviorist) that I realized I get anxious about data because I want the data to be correct, not because I always need to be right. Then I screwed up and fixated on her reply. She said maybe the data sheets needed simplification.

I took that to mean they needed simplification because I’m an idiot. I started rambling. Damn it. I don’t know how to reality test appropriately. On one hand, clarifying what she means is a good thing. Right? That way I don’t misinterpret. On the other hand, I don’t know how to do that without going off on an insecurity tangent. Right now I’m stuck with either not clarifying her meaning and feeling worse about myself or asking what she means and sounding irrational.

annoyed buffy

 

Yeah, I’d be sick and tired of me too.

She reacted fine, externally, at least. I’m just mad at myself. I should’ve come here first and journaled to help me think of a more sane way of addressing my fears.

 

Edited to Add: Ugh. I did annoy her. She asked not to talk about work when we’re not at work… which is most of what we talk about. I give up. Now I want to self-injure.

But why? Am I mad at myself for annoying her? Am I mad at myself for being annoying to people in general? Am I worried she’ll totally give up on our friendship because I’ve been such a bother lately? Do I feel like I’ll never make and maintain friends because I’m too exhausting? Perhaps all these things because this is what I thought of off the top of my head.

I’m trying to suss out my underlying thought or feeling because objectively I know this is irrational.  If I can identify the underlying thoughts that lead to the emotional dysregulation, I can fix the emotional dysregulation.