I have thoughts, but I’m so tired. People used to say I was eloquent, now I’m repetitive and boring.
I’m increasingly jealous of Ashley. Friday I overheard co-workers wondering how she handled the new kid because she has been with him everyday since I had surgery. My boss put me with him during his first week. Now everyone talks about how patient and calm she is with him. My boss works with her everyday, all day. She worked with me with another student before he became a 2:1. All of our students are 1:1, one adult staffed with one student. Some students are so violent that they need 2 adults with them all day to keep everyone safe. For 2 months, I worked with a student as a 1:1, while we got approval from the school district for a 2:1. For those 2 months, my boss worked with me every day. She trusted me not to react inappropriately to the kid. Now it is all about Ashley. My boss trusts her more. She is better than me. She got the promotion. She has a masters degree. She is fucking smart.
I worked with another kid for over a year straight. A lot of people couldn’t handle his constant screaming. They used to say they didn’t know how I handled him, just like they say about Ashley now. (Ha, I’m so emotional, I typed her real name, crap) Therefore, my boss and Ginny often asked my opinion on him. Now no one asks me about him. In fact, he is the one I think they’re screwing up.
Fuck this shit. I used to love my job.
I’ve thought a lot about quitting lately. I feel trapped because if I want to be a BCBA, I need thousands of hours of supervision. My job is the most practical way to do that and Ginny is willing to supervise me.
So, I stay. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.
I don’t think I can take Barb’s job, if they ever give her the new position they keep promising. Ashley teaches 3 classes right now and does a stellar job. I can’t do better than she does. So, why try? Fuck her. Fuck this job.
I feel like I was more functional when I self-injured more often. I think I’ve deteriorated since I gave Ginny my blades. Perhaps cutting again is wise, at least until the meds kick in.
I don’t like the new BCBA. I don’t know her, but I don’t like the thought of her. They split the kids up differently. Therefore, I have to ask her things, not Ginny. I’m becoming more and more invisible and fucking useless here. No one would care if I disappeared. Ginny would care if I killed myself because she’d feel guilty. However, no one, including her, would blink if I disappeared.
I’m cursing a lot, not so eloquent. My mom used to say cursing was for people with small vocabularies.
Speaking of my mom, things are becoming more tenuous and combative. I KNOW that is my fault because I am irritable and rude.
Edited to Add: I started off this post thinking of POSITIVE thoughts in my head. I felt too tired to write them out, but then my mind started racing and the negative thoughts poured out. Strange how that works… It takes effort to form coherent, positive thoughts, but negative thoughts flow freely.