Mind Wipe

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Please?

My urge to join the Dollhouse has returned!

I’m not sure why I’m ruminating on this so much. It isn’t like these are “recovered” memories. I’ve always had them. Then again, I didn’t always know that student had the same types of memories and I’ve never told anyone. Now whenever I see either that student or the 2 people I told, that is the first thing that pops into my mind.

its wrong, I'm wrong buffy - Copy

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One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Not Happy with A??

WHY do I feel dissatisfied with a 96% on my final exam for my first graduate school class? This is ridiculous and even I KNOW IT. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel happy or at least relieved I passed. I’d be happy (probably) if my 96% was the high score, but it is not. I know I’m being petty loser, but I still feel like crying. I can’t explain it!

 

Buffy_about willow

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Fewer SIB Urges and I’m Bored

I’m bored. Ginny and my inpatient friend aren’t online.

Bored now

I saw Ron kick a female student, but I’m 90% no one recorded it on his data sheet. Also, my boss said to conversationally try to talk Cory into working during class. Today that turned into Heather and Ashley talking to him for a good 25 minutes when he wasn’t really working (he traced a few letters). Those 2 things bugged me, but DIDN’T make me feel like cutting. However, I’ve been consistently restricting. That keeps me emotionally stable because everything feels less important to me.

I ordered pizza and ate until I was full and when I was full, I STOPPED! That is awesome!

I continue forgetting my noon pill.

My mom comes home on Saturday. It looks like I’ll survive. 😉 I’m still anxious about my BCBA class. I need to explore the website and figure out how the internet class format works, but I’m avoiding it.

 

Edit: Maybe boredom is a good thing? It means I’m capable of boredom instead of ruminating on death in every free moment.

 

Quitting my Job

I have thoughts, but I’m so tired. People used to say I was eloquent, now I’m repetitive and boring. buffy just trying to keep from dying

I’m increasingly jealous of Ashley. Friday I overheard co-workers wondering how she handled the new kid because she has been with him everyday since I had surgery. My boss put me with him during his first week. Now everyone talks about how patient and calm she is with him. My boss works with her everyday, all day. She worked with me with another student before he became a 2:1. All of our students are 1:1, one adult staffed with one student. Some students are so violent that they need 2 adults with them all day to keep everyone safe. For 2 months, I worked with a student as a 1:1, while we got approval from the school district for a 2:1. For those 2 months, my boss worked with me every day. She trusted me not to react inappropriately to the kid. Now it is all about Ashley. My boss trusts her more. She is better than me. She got the promotion. She has a masters degree. She is fucking smart.

I worked with another kid for over a year straight. A lot of people couldn’t handle his constant screaming. They used to say they didn’t know how I handled him, just like they say about Ashley now. (Ha, I’m so emotional, I typed her real name, crap) Therefore, my boss and Ginny often asked my opinion on him. Now no one asks me about him. In fact, he is the one I think they’re screwing up.

Fuck this shit. I used to love my job.

I’ve thought a lot about quitting lately. I feel trapped because if I want to be a BCBA, I need thousands of hours of supervision. My job is the most practical way to do that and Ginny is willing to supervise me.

So, I stay. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

I don’t think I can take Barb’s job, if they ever give her the new position they keep promising. Ashley teaches 3 classes right now and does a stellar job. I can’t do better than she does. So, why try? Fuck her. Fuck this job.

I feel like I was more functional when I self-injured more often. I think I’ve deteriorated since I gave Ginny my blades. Perhaps cutting again is wise, at least until the meds kick in.

I don’t like the new BCBA. I don’t know her, but I don’t like the thought of her. They split the kids up differently. Therefore, I have to ask her things, not Ginny. I’m becoming more and more invisible and fucking useless here. No one would care if I disappeared. Ginny would care if I killed myself because she’d feel guilty. However, no one, including her, would blink if I disappeared.

I’m cursing a lot, not so eloquent. My mom used to say cursing was for people with small vocabularies.

Speaking of my mom, things are becoming more tenuous and combative. I KNOW that is my fault because I am irritable and rude.

Edited to Add: I started off this post thinking of POSITIVE thoughts in my head. I felt too tired to write them out, but then my mind started racing and the negative thoughts poured out. Strange how that works… It takes effort to form coherent, positive thoughts, but negative thoughts flow freely.