Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

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A Bulimic Halloween

Fringe_looking nervous eating

I can’t win!

Yesterday I heard: You didn’t eat dinner. COME HERE AND EAT. Did you even eat lunch with Ginny? You know you still have to gain weight, right? Here! You need snack, eat 3 cookies!

Today it is: STOP EATING ALL THE CANDY. How many pieces did you eat already??

Must. Not. Message. Must. Not. Message. Gah, my dog is self-injuring! She keeps licking her elbow raw. 😦

 

When People Pleasing is Good

It is strange that I responded to Iris (the O.T. therapist) during lunch. I’m trying to introspect and figure out the dynamic. Usually when someone confronts me about restricting, while I’m restricting, I become stubborn and flat out refuse to eat anything.

Yet, this time I ate a little bit. Ginny didn’t even notice that I started trying and ate a bit. All she only saw restricting. She doesn’t understand that eating a few bites is a big deal when you haven’t eaten in almost 2 days and plan to continue fasting for days.

Regardless, I’m curious about why Iris’s prompts worked. I think it worked because I hate the idea of people being mad at me. On the other hand, I’ve fasted in front of both Iris and Ginny before, but neither of them ever confronted me in the moment.

Not too far gone

Perhaps I’m not as far gone as I think. I went to the grocery store for 5 items and spent 2.5 hours there. At first, I got a bunch of eating disordered related things, but then something changed. I went to soda isle to buy Diet Coke and randomly decided to buy some sparkling water because people are always bugging me about how bad soda is for health. That got me on a health kick, resulting in lots of meat, vegetables, carbs, and even portioned sweets like individually wrapped caramel apples. Last, I put the binge food and medication back and checked out.

Apparently last night was motivating? This is fucking difficult though. I can’t manage moderation. Even during the times I haven’t met any eating disorder diagnostic criterion, I can’t eat healthily in moderation. When I try to incorporate fruits, vegetables, and adequate protein, I end up restricting. When I try not to meal plan, I binge!

Goal

Look at me! I’m awake at a reasonable hour! 10 am is reasonable for an employed 25 year old, right? 😉

My goals for today are no naps and no binging. It should be an easy goal,  but not for me.

Angel_weak

Yesterday I slept until I had an eye doctor appointment at 1 pm. Then I binged. I didn’t purge, but that put me in a bad mood the rest of the day. If I’d purged, I’d feel tired, but pleasant. What a great way to start the new month. Binging without purging made me cranky and my stomach hurt all night. Failing to purge also makes me nervous because part of me feels proud. Pride over not purging is dangerous for me. I got to my (literally) obese high weight by attempting to recover. My half-recovery led to frequent binging and no purging.

I told my mom that I binged and for once, she didn’t interrogate me about it and didn’t pressure me to eat. That was a nice reprieve.

Since I was in a bad mood, I wasn’t as talkative as normal with my friend. She eventually messaged me, which was nice because I almost always start conversations. Consequently, I often feel like I’m bothering her!

It didn’t help that I started my period. That makes me feel fat because if I was “good” I’d be too malnourished to menstruate. However, there was one positive to my period. My mom asked my weigh me Sunday night. Technically, she can’t force me to let her weigh me, but she knows exactly how to guilt me into letting her check my weight. It is easier not to argue. Since I’ve let her do it a few times, refusing now would be suspicious. I was anxious because I’ve been losing weight. I’m 4 lbs less than the last time she weighed me. Thankfully she weighed me at night, after dinner. As a result, I was clothed and had food sitting in my stomach. Clothes + food weight + period = the same weight as last time she weighed me!

 

Urge to Purge

Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia

Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I am most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended 😉

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

  I'm trying to get rid of that feeling

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. 😡

I hate myself and I hate the things I do

On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!