Regret that healthy choice

I’m regretting giving up my Unisom. ūüė¶ I still can’t shake the Voice. It relishes the new ammunition it got on Monday. Before Monday I wasn’t nearly this suicidal. It was all transient passive thoughts like, “You deserve to die. You’re a burden. I wish you were dead.” Since Monday, my suicidal ideation consists of imagining lethal plans. Ginny doesn’t understand why I can’t get over it because she thinks it isn’t a big deal. She is the only one I’ve talked to about it. I can’t talk to my boss and I don’t want anyone else to know.

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I can always buy more. When I bought it a year ago, I calculated the median lethal dose by kilogram (the amount at which 50% of rats died) and bought double that amount. It was a handy security blanket. No matter what happened, I had an out.

Ginny was busy tonight and my mom is sick. I spent the night looking up happy news to try to help. It didn’t work. Then I came across an article about suicide rates among eating disorder patients. It triggered a rush of suicidal thoughts.

 

 

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How to Handle a Potentially Awkward Situation

1. The guy I like is a new doctor at a hospital in town.

2. My mom works at the same hospital.

3. My mom is not an MD, but she is second only to the head of the department.

4.  She is not in the same department as the doctor.

5. She knows the people who are the heads of other departments and the people who have her job in other medical disciplines.

6. She is close friends with a well-known doctor in the hospital who is in his department.

7. When I say close I mean they and some other couples have monthly dinners, monthly card games, they donated blood to me when I was a baby, we went to the same church until I was 18, and they went to my grandparent’s lake house with us for a week (none of their other friends have been there). Furthermore,¬†when I was 5 – 12 years old , the well-known doctor, his daughter, my dad and I did this year-round YMCA thing where we went camping together for a week every year and met monthly to make crafts. When he sees me he still greets me by the program’s special greeting. There were Dad/daughter pairs in our group, but his daughter was my closest friend and we spent hours carpooling to and from meetings and camp sites. Also, my mom tried to set me up with one of his sons.

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8. I’m planning on telling my mom I met him on another dating website. She should be okay with that because she encouraged me to make an account on a different website. She might be mad that I met him without telling her, but too bad. She’ll get over it. I’m worried my mom will ask either the head of his department, the second in command of his department, or her friend about this guy.

9. Usually I wouldn’t worry about her being invasive; she has never pried into the life of anyone else I’ve dated.¬†However, I think she’ll be wary since we met online.

I asked my brother and he was not too helpful. He responded, “I have no idea.”

I know none of you know my mother, but from the above description, do you think I’m being paranoid?

Why We Choose Suicide

The 3rd leading cause of death for people ages 15 – 24 is suicide. No one commits suicide because it is not a crime; it is a symptom of mental illness. 90% of people who died by suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death.

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