Romantic Relationships and Mental Illness

We went to the theater last night with a friend of my mom’s from our old church. Her daughter had disordered eating and still struggles with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. She tried living on her own once and became non-functional. She almost died. So, her mom said she had to live at home unless she got married. She is 38 and marrying a not-previously-married doctor. There IS hope.

I asked my mom’s friend about her daughter’s relationship. I said, I know statistically, there are plenty of people living with their parents, but the situation is a little different when you still live with your parents because you’re mentally ill. She said, if her daughter can find someone, I can. In fact (I can’t believe she said this! – though, I could see my mom admitting this to someone else), she said she never thought her daughter would get married. She is picky and has many bad habits (aka BPD makes her tough to live with). She said the fiancé is non-judgmental and things were revealed over time like he didn’t learn she lived at home for a while because she met him for dates. He didn’t learn about her impulsive, self-destructive spending sprees until he asked her to share the cost of a weekend trip out of town and she didn’t have a few hundred dollars saved, even though she works full time and doesn’t pay rent. So, he helped her make a budget. It worked. Idk about current SIB, etc., but I’d bet $ that she has scars, just bc it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

Buffy_dawn cuts

 

Anyway, it makes me think there is hope!  Even more than feeling embarrassed about living at home, I worry I am too damaged for anyone to want, but she was hospitalized way more than me, used many more behaviors, and is older than I am. Her behaviors are more likely to negatively affect others, such as taking a joint credit card and spending thousands of dollars. Of course there are ways around that like not creating any joint bank accounts. She must have other behaviors and/or interpersonal issues based on her diagnosis, but Idk specifics. Maybe she is better now, but she still used behaviors earlier in their relationship. Additionally, they’re having a small wedding because they don’t want to stress her out and she only has 2 friends (sounds familiar!). So, clearly, she is not completely better.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be healthy before starting any relationship. That part of why I pull away when someone gets interested. I’m doing them a favor! At the same time, if I wait to be “normal” I might never have the chance to find someone because I’ll be waiting forever.

Another Friend Bites the Dust

people have a tendency to go away miss them_Dawn summers_Buffy.gif

Ginny said she is leaving our workplace! Oh NO! This is a disaster!! If she leaves, she can’t supervise me. I need 1,500 hours of supervision. I can only get 30 hours/week. That takes longer than a year based on the school’s schedule.

If she leaves, I have no reason not to apply to a Master’s program that requires an intensive practicum. All of the online Master’s degrees, except one, require that you obtain your supervision hours through a practicum that they supervise. I didn’t want to do any of those because I love my job and Ginny is supervising me. If she is no longer able to supervise me, I have less incentive to stay. I can just do a regular Master’s program and move somewhere to do the practicum. The school I’m currently taking the course at, has a practicum site one state away.

I’m freaking out right now. I want to cut, really badly.

Also, I asked for Thursday and Friday off because I am house sitting. That means I have no one expecting me to eat for a week. I can take those days off and water fast without endangering anyone at work. I told her my plan (I think I told her in an attempt to guilt myself into going to work. My plan was successful because until she told me she might leave, I resigned myself to working next week.) Once she told me she might leave, I panicked and felt abandoned. Abandonment is a huge trigger. After the initial panic and then some logical thoughts about school, my next thought was, “Screw this, I’m NOT working next week. I am going to fast.”

Now, is this an attempt to escape my feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear? Or is it an attempt to communicate those feelings to her? If I hadn’t told her my plan in the first place, I could more confidently say I simply wanted to escape my feelings. Since I already told her, I am not sure. Perhaps it is both. After all, staying home and water fasting will accomplish both goals of escaping my feelings and communicating my anger.

 

Edited to Add: 3 hours later and I still have SIB urges. 😦 I started an application, but I’m still anxious and upset.

That was Unexpected

I can’t pinpoint the cause of my current mood. I’ve been sad all day. Heather is officially coming to our program and that didn’t even phase me. I’m down. Usually going back to work makes me happy. I still feel useless, unwanted, and unneeded. Perhaps returning to that environment piqued those emotions. Nothing specifically set it off though. I remember randomly thinking, “You deserve to die” on my drive to work.

Twice I caught cognitive distortions and both of those times I recovered to my baseline sadness. First, I complimented a co-worker on her haircut and she barely acknowledged my statement. When another co-worker came in and commented on her hair, she gushed. I felt like my opinion didn’t matter or I didn’t matter. However, the second commenter was effusive. My affect was flat. Therefore, she mirrored the other person’s emotions.

Around 8:45, we all met in the gym for training. Ginny and my boss entered with a crowd of co-workers, many of whom I went on a weekend trip with 2 months ago. I felt excluded. However, I never venture into the conference room, where Ginny and my boss work, in the morning because I’m too afraid I’ll interrupt a meeting, even though most of the time people chat before the kids arrive. Therefore, I wasn’t in the group because I didn’t join the group in the area they usually congregate, not necessarily because I was intentionally left out.

When we broke for lunch, I considered hanging around my usual lunch mates and seeing where they planned to eat. However, I decided no one cared about my presence. Also, I felt hideous and fat. I was too disgusting to go out to eat in public with anyone. I did gain weight. 10 pounds in 9 days!! I felt as if everyone could tell and thought I was repulsive.

Buffy_joyce to dawn what ED says

So, I left and walked back to the classrooms. Ginny came to find me, which made me feel loved.  I said I wasn’t joining them for lunch because I was going to nap. I tried to nap and couldn’t, instead I rested on a beanbag and ended up repeating “I hate you. You deserve to die” in my head for 30 minutes. Obviously that wasn’t a mood booster… I remained dejected all day.

I felt annoyed by certain suggestions for the new school year, but didn’t feel like saying anything because 1. I feel ignored 2. No one would listen 3. I didn’t want to deal with rebuff 4. I feel my thoughts are unimportant or wrong. If I was right, people would already share my opinions. And 5. My mood made me too apathetic to comment despite the other 4 concerns. Even when I’m not depressed, I am insecure. So the first 4 concerns are often at play, but when I am less depressed, I care enough to say something regardless of my other feelings.

In theory, I have a promotion coming up when a classroom supervisor transitions to a new role. However, that has been pushed back to at least November and maybe later. I’m actually OKAY with that because I’m starting classes in October and didn’t want the added responsibility and school to start the same time. I want to get used to one or the other before adding another stressor. I am disappointed because of the pay.

So, happy fall  semester!

Jealousy

A co-worker, in another program, posted some PECs (pictures non-verbal kids point to in order to communicate) she made online and the speech therapist, occupational therapist, and my boss all *liked* her picture and commented. Granted we don’t report to the therapists and my boss isn’t her boss… but I’m still jealous and angry and paranoid because she is coming over to our program soon.

…AND I sound like a petty bitch again. The funny thing is I like the girl. I’m just so damn insecure that any “threat” to what little I do feel I contribute to the team is a huge deal to  me. I remember when the assistant behaviorist was hired I was jealous before I even knew her because I felt listened to and I felt that my opinions were valued because my boss and others asked for my opinions on potential behavioral interventions. I feared my opinions and ideas wouldn’t matter anymore because someone more qualified was joining us. It turned out OKAY. I like her and I feel like people, including her, still care about my ideas and thoughts…I used to feel more needed and wanted for other reasons too.

Damn that voice in my head. I can’t turn it off. “No one likes you. No one cares about the tokens or coping skill crap you make. She is better at crafty things and she is in school. You can’t hack school. She is better than you. You don’t belong there. You’re useless.”

Idk how to explain the feelings I get when I’m jealous (which is honestly fear). It is like… Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

I can see the future and I can see I’ll be unwanted.

FRAK MY LIFE: Disappointed in Myself (AGAIN)

After all that blather about doing the right thing, I skipped Contracts AGAIN. That makes 4 out of 5 classes skipped in the first 2 weeks of school. OH MY FUCKING GOD. BBT_failure at everything

How I feel:BBT_rage in my heartGI_on inside my head

What I wish I could do to myself:

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Or at least do something to snap myself out of this cycle: Buffy_punches_willow_superstrength_two_to_go

I wish I could make the thoughts go away:

Fringe_shush and calm down

But I can’t…

Supernatural_hate what u see   OUaT_no one could ever love me  Buffy_about willow

*edit* Right after I posted this, my friend burst into the room and asked if I was ok. She was in the room with me earlier in the day. So, she knew where I was likely to be “studying”. I still feel like crap about myself, but she helped me feel a little better.

I am trying to do well; I care about success in law school. I am trying to do the reading. Honestly, I am trying. The problem is my baseline is starting too low. I struggle to get out of bed. Then I struggle to do my Activities of Daily Living. Next, whether of not I did my ADLS, I struggle to get to the law school building. After that I have to rally the effort to actually go to class. Lastly, I have to attempt to read the casebooks or research for my paper and I have to do it after dragging myself around all day, fighting the urge to give up. When getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a fight, and brushing teeth is a rarity, getting to class takes a lot of willpower. I know if I want to be here, I have to be here. I know I am capable of doing this. However, with the way the professors teach, it is impossible to pass, if you miss too much.

Fringe_Peter_head bang