Too Honest

Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

Damn me! I just told Ginny some things I did from 13 – 18 years old that I’ve told no one other than therapists. I got kicked out of middle school for propositioning online. I went a told her the whole freaking story. I don’t know why! Damn it!! She said she’ll never judge me (unless I murder someone), but I’m scared she thinks differently of me. I think differently of me when I think about it. I’m sad, scared, anxious, worried, and afraid I damaged a friendship. Sure she’ll be nice, but will she trust me or think well of me? After all, the last time I tried, I was 18. It would be different if I was 13 the last time I acted like a whore. I never actually exchanged money for sex, but I tried, multiple times. My parents had a key logger on the family computer.

I want to cut right now. I want to peel my skin off. I am a bad person; I had no need for money.

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Murder Suicide

I wish I could cut and not leave scars.

Last night, my mind turned to the dark place I avoided since Wednesday.

Holy shit. I just had a horrifying thought! My parents came to visit. Maybe my parents are a trigger. Of course, correlation does not equal causation. There are other contributing factors like perhaps the increased medication dose I started last Monday broke through on Wednesday and last night I was alone and facing the prospect of a weekend by myself.

Regardless, I was suicidal and decided no one other than my mom would suffer from my death. I could not quite get myself to believe she would not feel incomprehensible sadness. Therefore, my mind turned to… murder-suicide. *feels sick to stomach and evil* I would kill myself before ever acting on that thought, if only to protect her!

On days like this where I’m wilding going from highs to lows, I feel as if my childhood insistence that I was truly evil was correct… That there is some unnamed darkness inside me and if I don’t hurt myself, I will hurt others. I’m terrified that I am capable of acting out. I’m afraid if I stop harming myself, the anger inside me will boil over and I will hurt others. Therefore, self-destruction helps everyone.

Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

After that I realized Tuesday – Friday would be the perfect time because my mom is out of town. She left today, but I’m still house sitting until Monday night. Therefore, she would not have to deal with identifying my body or receiving a call from the police.

I would not do it at home. I’d do it somewhere she never goes because I don’t want her thinking of my body hanging from the basement rafters or in the grocery store parking lot.

Fuck. I don’t even know what happened. I was FINE Friday afternoon. I was fine after they came to visit, but then an hour later I started drifting. I don’t know why. I forgot 20 mg of my meds on Friday, but that shouldn’t have any immediate effect.

I got my putty in the mail. It is pretty awesome! I played with it a little bit and it helped, but not enough. I’m saying “screw it” and ordering binge food. I resisted binging for a while and purging for even longer, but binging will numb me and purging will both punish and exhaust me.

Exhaustion reminds me of a potential cause for the suicidal relapse. One theory about anti-depressants’ suicide risk is that it gives people with depression an energy boost, before it completely kicks in. As a result, they have enough energy to carry out a plan, whereas before the medication, they were too lethargic to do anything.

I can’t tell anyone because they’re quicker to hospitalize someone for homicidal urges than suicidal urges. I believe this will pass.

My class, assuming I am both alive and not in the hospital, starts a week from tomorrow. I am scared of failing.

Hospitals and Hierarchies

Things have been chaotic.

I did not use behaviors yesterday. I slept virtually all day. However, I became acutely suicidal and looked up how to create a noose. Then I made one and tested whether it tightened. It did. For a moment, I considered going through with it. I stopped because I imagined my mom finding my body and how much that would haunt her. I also knew she’d feel immeasurable guilt. My mom needs me because my dad and brother aren’t good supports and they don’t keep in touch. Ginny would feel guilty too. All those realities made me feel guilty.

I realized I don’t actually want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want everything to go away. I want to be good enough to be useful at work… No. I want to matter.

I promised Ginny I’d either go to the ER or call my psychiatrist today. Originally I intended to do that during work, but I decided to go to work today. I was afraid if I skipped again, I’d be too embarrassed to go back. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet, but I will. I doubt the ER will help. Inpatient won’t help me. They can’t fix me. They might keep me alive for a bit, but my intent waxes and wanes too much.

Supernatural_dean_sigh

My mom finally saw my leg. Her reaction was better than usual. She was sad and tried to help me problem solve. The issue is that her solutions aren’t actually helpful. She thinks she knows what I need to be happy and pushes those things. She is right that a boyfriend and a higher paying job would help in some ways. However, I love my current job. Eventually I want a family and I’ll need to meet someone to start a family with, but I’m not in a place where I can handle a relationship. Ugh. I was fine before I started typing this. Now, as I type this paragraph, I’m getting the urge to cut. That was last night.

This morning she was talking AT me. I got annoyed and snippy and then she got mad.

Also, I’ve lost weight and she is upset about that. I haven’t been restricting. In fact, I binged yesterday and never purged. So, I have no idea how I lost weight. Nonetheless, now she is convinced I’m restricting or purging.

Work was pretty good. I was with the kid with down syndrome all day. He was cute, as usual. He always makes me smile. He was mostly compliant and had very few behaviors. I’m still annoyed by the way they’re handling the kid I was with for a year because I still think they’re screwing up. I was able to let it go. Ha, clearly I’m not over it. What I mean by letting it go is that I was able to focus on my student and not self-injure.

I miss being in the action with the more aggressive kids. I feel useless and unwanted or second rate. Of course my opinions are ignored when I’m stuck with the easy kids. Who would listen to me?! I’m suspicious of why I’m always with the easier kids these days. I think someone thinks I am inept.

Creating a Life Worth Living

I slept in until noon (typical for my Saturdays).

I’ve spent my day researching the best snorkeling places in the continental United States (Key West, Florida?), Hawaii, U.S. territories (Turks Bay, St. John’s, U.S. Virgin Islands), and the world (Maldives – but which island?) to plan a trip.

I’m also looking into local events and offerings like the symphony and horseback riding lessons.

No triggers, not even upset, but self-injured anyway.

What is wrong with you_Dean Winchester_Supernatural.gif

I am a FAILURE

Supernatural_Dean_90 percent crap - Copy

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I didn’t make it to work. 😥 I’m furious at myself and sad and disappointed. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. I don’t know why I’ve been up this long. I just couldn’t sleep. I hate myself. I hate myself, so fucking much! I feel like I’m letting everyone down (even though I simultaneously feel like they don’t need me, lol). However, even if I am not important, they were counting on me as a staff person today. FUCK ME.

 

EDIT:

It is officially over 24 hours. I’ve never had this problem before. The only times I’ve stayed up this long was pulling all-nighters in college. I have some sleeping issues; occasionally, I struggle falling asleep. Usually my sleeping problems are more like this:

pretend I have insomnia inadequate respect for tomorrow

AND SO it has come to a pathetic point indeed… I am about to log off and play Brahms’ Lullaby, hoping it will lull me to sleep.

 

Awful Morning

I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

You Already Have Too Many Labels

I broached the topic of Avoidant and Dependent personality disorders with my psychiatrist and he agreed with me! In fact on some of the criteria I said I wasn’t sure whether they fit, he laughed and gave examples! dean supernatural facepalm

So, then I asked him why he never told me. He said some people are simple and they only have a personality disorder (or 2) and in that case he would diagnose them with a personality disorder. However, when there are multiple issues that need to be addressed, such as my eating disorder and depression, he diagnoses people with them because insurance doesn’t pay for personality disorder treatment. Plus, there is a lot of stigma around personality disorders, worse than other mental illnesses. So, it is better not to have it in my medical charts. I didn’t ask him about depressive or masochistic personality disorders because the DSM no longer uses them as diagnoses.

Also, I brought it up with my mom because psychoanalysis is not exactly the standard treatment for personality disorders. She didn’t care about it, but suggested I could bring up seeing a CBT therapist on the side. The interesting thing is she thinks my dad is avoidant. So, maybe it is genetic or learned. However, she also pointed out that I was gregarious until I was 4 years old and then something changed. She said anxiety dampens my personality, which makes her sad. She also said she knew the ability to be confident and outgoing was inside me, I just lost it somehow and became scared of people.