I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.
Acting opposite is hard.
I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”
Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!
At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.
It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.
In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.
Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?