I Give Up

Fuck this. I’m sick of fighting the urges. Coping skills don’t work. I’m asking for Monday and Tuesday off. I WILL BEAT MY 5 DAY WATER FAST RECORD! At least, I’ll be happy for a few days. Plus, I think Ginny knows I messed up because she has feedback for both Heather and I. So, restricting will help me feel better after our meeting on Wednesday.

No lunch with people on Wednesday because someone has a baby shower (to which I’m not invited – which,  surprisingly, doesn’t bother me too much). Therefore, I’m not eating from now until Wednesday, November 16th. I planned to eat tomorrow because I’d have to eat on Wednesday anyway, but now I have no reason to eat tomorrow.

 

Edit: More failure, YAY!!! Binging. My inpatient dietician called it “the last meal syndrome” when you plan to restrict starting tomorrow, you try to eat everything you’ll ever want to eat because you’ll never get to eat it again. To purge or not to purge? Depends on how guilty and angry I feel. At the moment, I feel a lot of both.

Edit 2: I did not purge and I am not asleep. My mom got home and I realized I had laundry to do for being away for a week.

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Struggling with Attention Seeking

So far, so good not mentioning behaviors or that I’m no longer weight restored to Ginny! It would only upset her. Telling her is purely attention seeking and since I know it would upset her, telling her would be mean.

I’m happy I am finally under the weight inpatient treatment made me gain to!

Must. Continue. Silence.

My ED is Better than your Diet

lame-convo

A co-worker keeps posting about her diet and exercise. I can lose that much weight! I want praise too!

In the time it took me to edit the picture, she has 8 comments and 27 *likes* INCLUDING Ginny and Iris!!

Buffy_angry willow

 

Let Me Rescind that Invitation!!

I suggested to someone that we go get coffee. What the hell?! I never initiate. I suddenly feel 100x more stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, and bad than I usually feel.paralyzed by feelings

 

It will be obvious that…  verge of nervous breakdown What did I do?! Ugh, no one should like me!

I’m afraid he is going to think: worst-person-april

 

On the off-chance he does like me a meaningful relationship requires me to let go of my eating disorder, talking about feelings in real life, and not isolate myself.nightmare

 

On one hand, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. On the other hand, if I never try, I’ll never get better at talking about feelings and leaving the house.

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