Strong enough?

I’m nervous about Ginny leaving because I don’t know if I’ll handle things as well without her. I would never have disclosed to anyone 2 weeks ago, much less asked my boss for help dealing with my student’s identical history.


people-have-a-tendency-to-go-away-miss-them_dawn-summers_buffy

Thursdays are bad news apparently because this Thursday I ended up in tears at work again! This time, one of my new students (a different one) disclosed abuse. I was “normally” upset; I felt sad and worried for him. However, I flipped out when I heard my boss’s boss called his PARENTS instead of calling the child abuse hotline.

I was furious. I abruptly turned to leave the room, but Ginny yelled at me, “Don’t storm away from me!” She knows me well enough to know I was probably about to self-injure. I stopped in my tracks and she took me to the same empty office we talked in last week. It took me some time to explain why I was upset and when she understood, she teared up. I was scared for him! He refused to get on the bus for a long time and I said I wouldn’t have gotten on that bus either! I understood what he felt, to a certain degree, because I tried to disclose my situation once and realized the school counselor would report me based on her probing questions. So, I recanted and never told anyone until last week. DFS wouldn’t get an investigator to his house that night, meaning he was alone. I remember a separate incident where I accidentally said something to a teacher, which my parents thought could get DFS involved. Their reaction was highly emotional and they’re relatively normal people. A few things were thrown at me and more than a few things were broken that night. I was imagining the worst for my student, whose story was much more straightforward. 

Thankfully, he came to school the next day and he impressed me with his control. He eloped a few times and hit, but also talked to us and vented. He had more self-control than I did.

I would have self-injured the day before if I hadn’t talked to Ginny. When I turned to leave the room, I wasn’t thinking rationally anymore, I was going to look for a blade. I would not have stopped on my own, but her yelling bought me time to talk and calm down. My boss promised she will never be a part of that again and Ginny said she is going to try to convince the administration to have everyone undergo mandatory reporter training to ensure it doesn’t happen again. I hope it works! However, I’m worried the next time I encounter something triggering at work, which seems to happen frequently lately, I won’t be able to handle it.

On another note:

I wonder why Bulimia is correlated with childhood sexual abuse more than other eating disorders. I can’t stomach anymore journal articles right now, but I wish I could find out why.

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One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

1,000 mile move

In the next few months, I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.

I am scared.

I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now.  On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.

Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.

God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing. 

if-you-cant-beat-fear-then-just-do-it-scared

I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…

I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?

Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

Silver Hill Hospital

Has anyone with an eating disorder gone there this year or in 2016? The recently (sometime in 2015, but Idk when) opened a ED residential house and specifically mentioned sending some ED patients who needed “extra help” for motivation or weight gain to their inpatient acute care unit.

Do they ever use NG tubes or NJ tubes at Silver Hill Hospital?

I can’t find the answer anywhere!! I asked them online and they wouldn’t tell me; they said to call.