1,000 mile move

In the next few months, I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.

I am scared.

I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now.  On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.

Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.

God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing. 

if-you-cant-beat-fear-then-just-do-it-scared

I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…

I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?

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Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

Silver Hill Hospital

Has anyone with an eating disorder gone there this year or in 2016? The recently (sometime in 2015, but Idk when) opened a ED residential house and specifically mentioned sending some ED patients who needed “extra help” for motivation or weight gain to their inpatient acute care unit.

Do they ever use NG tubes or NJ tubes at Silver Hill Hospital?

I can’t find the answer anywhere!! I asked them online and they wouldn’t tell me; they said to call.