Other Attention Factors

My day was good. I worked with John; he was almost perfect behavior-wise and adorable. I’ve been tired all day. I had some ideas I needed to write before I lost them.

I was thinking about the attention thing more because people commented on my food rituals at lunch. It that was insufficient, even though it was negative-ish.
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So I came up with 2 other things:
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1. The sick role –
      a. Avoidance, avoiding demands of going to school, moving out, growing up, escaping  stress, not responsible for mistakes if sick, can blame failure in school or mistakes at work on ED, not me. They pay more attention to me and react more quickly.
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     b. Caring, concern, love, taken care of/ cared for, liked, fragile, innocent, good. If I’m weak and fragile, people won’t leave me. I won’t be alone. Keeps people involved with me because they worry.
2.  The negative attention seems genuine and more emotive. It seems genuine both because it involves more emotion and it fits my self-concept. Deep down, I don’t believe positive attention is either real or warranted. In other words, I don’t deserve positive attention. The only reason I’d get positive attention is either because someone is lying to me or because I tricked them into believing I am good.
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In other words, I’m an evil, manipulative bitch.

 

Urge to Purge

Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.