Hello, Old Friend

Hi guys. I disappeared for a bit because I didn’t feel like being positive and I didn’t feel like writing because I knew few people read this. My depression is alright, but my eating disorder is a problem again. I’m predictable like that.

I posted this on the one pro-ana website I still frequent. No one replied. I’m more convinced my fears are correct and I am a hopeless, pathetic moron because even people who refuse recovery aren’t as bad as me.

“I’m skipping work right now because I binged (less than 800 calories – I KNOW this is irrational!!) when I could easily fast. I’m house-sitting, so I’m alone. It was probably an awful idea to weigh myself. I’m up 3 pounds and therefore, too fat for anyone to see me.

I’ve only skipped work once before. It was almost a year ago and my depression was crippling. (I actually posted about it here)

The worst part is yesterday I lied to my boss to get out of a team-building lunch and she called me on my lie!! I work at a school for students with violent of self-injurious behavior; on Wednesdays, the kids go home early. We get an hour long lunch. This week she said we were all going out together. I couldn’t handle it. I’m weird about eating in front of certain people. I know some of you hate eating in front of anyone. Personally, I eat in front of strangers and loved ones without too much guilt. However, my anxiety skyrockets when I have to eat with 3 or more acquaintances. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for eating bad food and being disgusting. In contrast, I know my family and friends love me at any weight and I don’t care what strangers think.

Anyway, I planned on pushing myself and trying the lunch, but they kept changing the place we were going to eat! I kept planning meals and then having to start over. They settled on an fast food place with no good food! So, I was a weak baby and avoided it. I texted my boss that I was ill and wouldn’t make it to the lunch because I needed to go home. She said: “I know you said no eating on your sheet about team building. If you say you were studying for a final then you don’t have to ask off or anything it is optional.” I’ve never had anyone call me on an ED related lie like that except my parents and therapists. Damn, it was awkward!! Now I’m afraid she won’t trust me.

I am a pathetic piece of shit. :(

I haven’t been fired YET, but if I miss more than 3 days without 24 hour advanced notification, I get written up. I’m scared my boss will know I lied again. I hate myself!!!

Am I alone in this? Please tell me you’ve done similar things. :wacko: Can anyone tell me fucked up ED and job stories so I feel less like a freak? I feel that I deserve punishment right now. I want to cut or binge/purge (that would be insanely illogical).”

I'm evil, I'm bad, do you hear me_faith_angel.gif

*sigh*

Maybe it is karma, but every time I stand up, I get a nosebleed and feel dizzy. I couldn’t work like this.

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Things I'd Rather Do than Go to Law School…

1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)

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3. Become stranded in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration

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5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I already elucidated my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!

I Am Not a Victim

“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”  Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist  saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

I'm not the only Doll

Alas, as far as I know, the technology for imprints and mind-wipes does not exist yet. Ever since the first episode of Dollhouse, I loved the idea of becoming a doll. I’m too tired to think, but I’ll explain my reasoning later. The main point is most people don’t understand the attraction and think it is weird.

A few of the post on the tumbler blog Dollhouse Confessions surprised me.

On the flip side of the coin…

Why the Doll state appeals to me:

  1. Dollhouse_did I fall asleepI  could escape my life for 5 years
  2. In Doll state I would have a higher drive to take care of myself than I do on my own. (I.e. exercise to peak physical fitness, eat healthily, sleep a normal amount) As a result, my body would most likely be healthier than when I went in.
  3. I could be emotionally at peace for 5 years.
  4. I’d live in a beautiful, comfortable environment. I know I wouldn’t remember it, but I still like the idea!
  5. I would get to live ever life and do things I am not capable of doing. Granted, I wouldn’t remember it, but it would still be cool!
  6. I would have skills that are beyond me. Think about it! Instant muscle memory! How awesome would that be? You could become an Olympic athlete overnight.
  7. If any of those things were morally wrong, I wouldn’t remember them. Even if I did somehow remember, I bet I could reason my way out of guilt, by saying I had no choice.
  8. I would have great wealth at the end of 5 years. Hell yes I would give away 5 years of my life if I was 210% financially secure for the rest of my life.
  9. Heck, I would even become of Doll for no money if they would fix my silly brain! Topher thought he could fix Priya’s schizophrenia. He did fix Anthony’s PTSD. Take away all my mental illnesses and you can have my mind and body for 5 years! Although, I’d need assurance that my body would be taken care of.
  10. I might get to retain those skills either like Echo through a composite event, or like Anthony by becoming a Tech Head. I would even sign the dotted line if they just let me keep some skills that would otherwise take years to learn.

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Related Quotes

Topher: “They volunteered for this.”

Boyd: “So we’re told.”

I would volunteer…

Topher: “Look at Echo. Not a care in the world. She’s living The Dream.”
Boyd: “Whose Dream?”
Topher: “Who’s next?”

Considering how the programming works, she is living “her” dream as far as she is concerned.

Ballard: So this is it. This is where you steal their souls.”
Topher: “Yeah, and then we put ’em in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides him?” (indicates Boyd)
I do not think, if there is a soul, you can steal it. True, memories make up who we are, memories form our perceptions of the world, our beliefs, our thought processes, who or what we love, but I believe some part of us are inborn, little specks of personality that show up in babies.
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Woman being interviewed (by a reporter breaking the Dollhouse case) : “The only reason someone would volunteer to be a slave is that they is one already.”
Well, *shrugs* I do think if I ever found someone I could trust enough for that type of relationship dynamic, I would enjoy an M/s relationship. In that sense, am I, at heart, already a slave? Perhaps.
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Boyd: “What about those things we program them to do? Even if they did sign up, they didn’t know what they were signing up for.”
Topher: “Lay down your burdens, old man. They have what everybody wants. They live every life, have every skill, every experience. They fall in love. Hey, real love with unreserved passion.”
Boyd: “There’s nothing real about it. They’re programmed.”
Topher: “Does that tie keep you warm?”
Boyd: “What? No.”
Topher: “No, it’s just what grown-up men do in our culture. They put a piece of cloth around their necks so they can assert their status and recognize each other as non-threatening kindred.”
Boyd: “So what is this, the ’60s? Are we gonna burn our draft cards?”
Topher: “You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net. You feel guilty, maybe a little suspicious, every time you see that Salvation Army Santa. You look down for at least half a second if a woman leans forward. And your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a big golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Dollhouse_everybody's programmed
Boyd: “Damn. You really spent some time on your self-justification.”
Topher: “Not the case. I don’t care. This is an awesome gig. This is cutting-edge science in a house full of hot chicks. Morality is programming, too.”
I see the inherent ethical problems here. For example, if you consent to something without knowing the full meaning of what you’re consenting to, your consent is invalid. However, I think I should be able to waive my rights. I think, if I don’t care, I should be able to say, “Yes, I acknowledge I will have no say in my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I acknowledge I will have no memory of any events and I know I may not be able to envision all possible scenarios for the next 5 years, but that is okay. As a capable human being, of my own free will, I accept this contract.” I know, I know, there is always the possibility of coercion. It is rife with opportunity to abuse people in other ways. Once you’re in a doll state, you have no guarantee they will ever wake you up again. For instance, they tried to force Priya to be a doll forever. Furthermore, the way consent works in the U.S., you have the ability to withdraw it at any time. In doll state, you lose free will and awareness. Once wiped, you can no longer consent. Anything done to you is technically without consent, it is as if you are unconscious. I understand all this. I promise! I understand the thorny issue of consent, I understand how easy manipulation and abuse would be, and I understand that once in Doll state, I would be helpless. However, for MYSELF, I don’t see why I cannot say I am okay with all these unknowns. You have my life for 5 years.
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Topher: “We’re great humanitarians.”
Boyd: “Who’d spend their lives in jail if they ever found this place.”
Topher: “We’re all so misunderstood… Which great humanitarians often are.”
Oh Topher, I freaking love you! 🙂 He grows so much. Also, he is a genius and a geek! Smart + geeky = best men.
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Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Would you be a Doll?
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