The Procrastination Begins

It didn’t take long for me to start procrastinating. I hope I’m only lazy because I slept fitfully last night. I need to manage my time! I can’t fall behind and get overwhelmed yet!! If I fall apart this early, I’ll never make it.

Work was okay. I wanted to cut a few times because my boss experimented with John’s plan. I think they aren’t giving the new yelling area a fair try. They’re continuing to move backwards. I didn’t eat lunch. I am weak. My mom is out tonight and I ate 4 cookies. Before eating stupid chocolate chip cookies, I hadn’t eaten in overĀ 24 hours. I am a failure.

Last night I wanted to cut on my way home and with horror, I realized I wanted to cut because I was anxious about sitting down for a meal with my mom. I hadn’t eaten a proper meal with anyone for a week and a half.

 

Edit: I ended up working and it is a good thing because some of it was due today! I figured it was due before the class meeting. It is also good I ate those stupid cookies because it will make eating with the group easier.

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Restricting makes me strong

I haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. It would be over 48 hours, but I absentmindedly accepted 3 skittles yesterday. It is strange how quickly the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I caught myself thinking, “Only weak people need food. You are stupid, but you’re stronger than they are.”

I’m debating what I’ll do about lunch tomorrow. Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. At the moment, I don’t want to eat. Consequently, I’m thinking about not going to lunch. On the other hand, I want to talk to people (PROGRESS!).

My suicidal ideation is increasing again. I’m an idiot and I keep forgetting my noon pill!

I’m considering consistently tracking urges again. I used to track them in therapy. Sometimes it helped me see all the urges I did not act on and it helped me problem solve triggering situations. On the other hand, sometimes tracking urges made me think about them more. I’d fixate on them, instead of letting them pass over me. I wish I knew the difference between the days that it helped and the days it made me more upset.

I started tracking urges today. There were more than I realized: 8 SIB urges and 2 suicidal ideationsĀ before 3:15 pm. The triggers were all typical. Either someone messed up a behavior plan AGAIN, I felt jealous or inferior, or I made a mistake. I noticed the suicidal thoughts occurred after SIB urges. Meaning they weren’t totally out of the blue. I resisted SIB, but had no adequate alternative to decrease my distress. Therefore, my distress remained high and my thoughts got worse.

I was happy when my boss independently commented on how people are following through with John’s screaming. I get so mad! I KNOW everyone makes mistakes. I make them all the time. I get angry when people continually make the same mistakes because that equals a pattern. They’re ruining the behavior plans’ effectiveness.

don't confuse my bad days with weakness, those are the days I'm fighting the hardest.jpg

I don’t know how I’m going to handle tonight. It probably doesn’t look like I’m trying very hard, but right now I am doing the best I can to survive and that might mean using less dangerous behaviors.