I haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. It would be over 48 hours, but I absentmindedly accepted 3 skittles yesterday. It is strange how quickly the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I caught myself thinking, “Only weak people need food. You are stupid, but you’re stronger than they are.”
I’m debating what I’ll do about lunch tomorrow. Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. At the moment, I don’t want to eat. Consequently, I’m thinking about not going to lunch. On the other hand, I want to talk to people (PROGRESS!).
My suicidal ideation is increasing again. I’m an idiot and I keep forgetting my noon pill!
I’m considering consistently tracking urges again. I used to track them in therapy. Sometimes it helped me see all the urges I did not act on and it helped me problem solve triggering situations. On the other hand, sometimes tracking urges made me think about them more. I’d fixate on them, instead of letting them pass over me. I wish I knew the difference between the days that it helped and the days it made me more upset.
I started tracking urges today. There were more than I realized: 8 SIB urges and 2 suicidal ideations before 3:15 pm. The triggers were all typical. Either someone messed up a behavior plan AGAIN, I felt jealous or inferior, or I made a mistake. I noticed the suicidal thoughts occurred after SIB urges. Meaning they weren’t totally out of the blue. I resisted SIB, but had no adequate alternative to decrease my distress. Therefore, my distress remained high and my thoughts got worse.
I was happy when my boss independently commented on how people are following through with John’s screaming. I get so mad! I KNOW everyone makes mistakes. I make them all the time. I get angry when people continually make the same mistakes because that equals a pattern. They’re ruining the behavior plans’ effectiveness.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle tonight. It probably doesn’t look like I’m trying very hard, but right now I am doing the best I can to survive and that might mean using less dangerous behaviors.