Decisions about Water Fasts

Successfully fasting at the moment, but I’m doubting my decisions.

First of all, I anticipate feeling upset tomorrow afternoon once I meet with Ginny. I remember not wanting to go to work the day after I got in trouble at work. Therefore, I’m afraid I’ll feel the same way about returning to work after Wednesday. Taking 4 days off prolongs and increases that anxiety. I don’t want to make going to work after our meeting more difficult.

Second, I know my mom will be furious and scared. I don’t want to either anger or scare her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I lose 7 pounds in 7 days, I will hurt her.

I could take only 2 days off. I want to take at least 2 days off because I’m stressed out. Perhaps I could take Friday and Monday off. I like that idea because it will make both this week and next week seem shorter. Plus, I won’t ditch work the day after I meet with Ginny. However, I won’t be able to beat a fasting record if I do that.

Also, one of the kids is transitioning soon and his last day might be any day from Thursday to Tuesday. I have no clue.

If I stay home Thursday and Friday, I can reach 6 days of water fasting before work on Monday. That beats my old record of 5 days. However, I’ll be ONE DAY short of a week long water fast. That seems like a waste.

I’m not sure why a week matters, but it sounds so much nicer than 6 days. If I want to make a week, I’d need to continue fasting, which means I’d either take Monday off or go to work having not eaten in 6 days. The latter seems like a horrible idea.

I feel like I need some behaviors! I wanted to cut all day today. I think I did a better job hiding my emotions, but feelings hurt. Technically, I did self-injure, but it was just scratching and only drew a little bit of blood.

My choices are take Thursday through Tuesday off, take Friday through Monday off, take no time off, or take Monday and Tuesday off. What should I do?

Advertisements

I Give Up

Fuck this. I’m sick of fighting the urges. Coping skills don’t work. I’m asking for Monday and Tuesday off. I WILL BEAT MY 5 DAY WATER FAST RECORD! At least, I’ll be happy for a few days. Plus, I think Ginny knows I messed up because she has feedback for both Heather and I. So, restricting will help me feel better after our meeting on Wednesday.

No lunch with people on Wednesday because someone has a baby shower (to which I’m not invited – which,  surprisingly, doesn’t bother me too much). Therefore, I’m not eating from now until Wednesday, November 16th. I planned to eat tomorrow because I’d have to eat on Wednesday anyway, but now I have no reason to eat tomorrow.

 

Edit: More failure, YAY!!! Binging. My inpatient dietician called it “the last meal syndrome” when you plan to restrict starting tomorrow, you try to eat everything you’ll ever want to eat because you’ll never get to eat it again. To purge or not to purge? Depends on how guilty and angry I feel. At the moment, I feel a lot of both.

Edit 2: I did not purge and I am not asleep. My mom got home and I realized I had laundry to do for being away for a week.

Random SIB Urge All Night

What the hell?? I’ve had low intensity SIB urges all evening and I don’t know why!

Perhaps the presence of school is stressful, even though the work is easy so far. Or maybe I’m anxious about supervision. I’m not sure why I am upset. Although the intensity is low, the constant nature of the urge is wearing me down.

I’m freaking out about lunch tomorrow. I’m literally crying, thinking about it. I don’t know why I’m freaking out this much!! It has been a few weeks since I went with the entire group and my ED symptoms have flared up since then.

 

Edit: Fuck this “trying” thing. I can either cut (still have the box cutter in my purse) or skip lunch tomorrow. I’m disgusting and I have no self-control. I shouldn’t have eaten earlier. Stupid loser. I am weak. I’m not worth nourishment. I don’t deserve food.

Part of the reason I’m getting angrier right now is Ginny said she’d be busy every night this week. That is so fucked up!! COME ON! She is allowed to have a life! I’m a selfish bitch. I’m like a toddler throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted. My tantrums are just silent. IF I don’t say anything about behaviors, she won’t notice because she works both lunches all the time now. IF I don’t say anything, it isn’t exactly attention motivated, but it is still a childish tantrum. I hate myself. Actually, I could go to lunch and then purge. That sounds kind of nice.

When People Pleasing is Good

It is strange that I responded to Iris (the O.T. therapist) during lunch. I’m trying to introspect and figure out the dynamic. Usually when someone confronts me about restricting, while I’m restricting, I become stubborn and flat out refuse to eat anything.

Yet, this time I ate a little bit. Ginny didn’t even notice that I started trying and ate a bit. All she only saw restricting. She doesn’t understand that eating a few bites is a big deal when you haven’t eaten in almost 2 days and plan to continue fasting for days.

Regardless, I’m curious about why Iris’s prompts worked. I think it worked because I hate the idea of people being mad at me. On the other hand, I’ve fasted in front of both Iris and Ginny before, but neither of them ever confronted me in the moment.

Lunch Laughs

I ate.

I was an hour away from 48 hours without food! The O.T. therapist doesn’t pull punches or mince words. I debated whether to buy food or not. I decided I’d buy food and simply not eat it. I’m out of practice with hiding food and we were outside in the wind. My napkin wouldn’t stay put! So, I held my fork, but didn’t eat. Then the O.T. therapist said, “I know she is riveting (my boss was talking), but you can eat. See? I ate everything.” I smiled politely, but ignored her. A few minutes later she pushed my fork (which was still in my hand) into my salad. Then I picked at the salad. I am a failure! I WAS SO CLOSE. On the other hand, I let myself get dehydrated enough that I was getting dizzy and shaky. Consequently, eating was (logically) a good choice.

Despite the food, lunch was fun! Everyone was in a good mood. We joked and laughed a lot. It was much nicer to be in the small group of 4 again. We successfully ditched the others by saying we didn’t want pizza.

The meeting was okay. The anticipation of the meeting helped me not SI during work. However, they forgot to cover certain issues and I wish my boss was more forceful. At least stating the rules plainly was nice. Now no one can say they didn’t know.

Heather repeatedly talked to various co-workers about their plans for tonight, at full volume, in front of me. That hurt a little bit.

I rehearsed suicide again last night. I re-tied and retested the noose. My throat hurt since I woke up this morning. I struggled to sleep. I’m considering letting my dogs sleep in my bed tonight.