I often wonder whether people like me or just put up with me. Sometimes I express that in exasperating ways. Today was one of those days. I think the way I express those fears is annoying because my statements unintentionally sound accusatory.
Ginny said no one else expects her to respond to every message. Then I realized all of my friends interact in the same way that makes me question myself. I am the person starting the conversation. If I do not ask multiple questions, there is no conversation. None of my friends independently ask about me or my day. It is up to me to contact them, which means I am nothing more than an annoyance. Either my expectations are too high or I am annoying to everyone.
I don’t expect a response to every message. I feel upset when I realize I am always the person initiating conversation or trying to hang out. To me this says, no one really wants to talk to me or see me, they only do so when my badgering becomes unbearable. In other words, they respond to get me to shut up.
Does one person in a friendship usually start a conversation? How often and/or how fast do you expect a response to a message?
WHAT IS NORMAL CONVERSATION?!? Is ANY of the following socially acceptable? The red text is my own additional thoughts. I wouldn’t send anything in red.
This is what I want to send to Ginny:
Barb made me laugh this afternoon. I don’t want her to leave.
Is Wednesday lunch still a thing? Are still we friends? Where we ever friends? Or am I just a pitiable bur on your skin? Would you care if I was no longer in your life? Most of the people we see daily won’t be a fixture in our life 10 years from now. Am I a passing ornament or do you like me as a human being? Would something be missing from your life if I was not in it. Or am I not supposed to ask stuff like that? I’m probably not supposed to ask things like that. I am confused. I’d greatly appreciate it if you’d bear with me through the ensuing awkwardness. But if you don’t want to, can you tell me so I stop trying?
Elizabeth (my boss) and Danielle (the new BCBA) are mad at me(because I talked about disapproving of Danielle’s behavior plan for John to other people). I don’t know how to address it. I’m planning on going with: pretend things are normal, until they feel normal again. I’m worried I hurt Danielle, but I don’t want to make things worse by talking. I have a tendency to do that.
I don’t even really want the job (Barb is FINALLY leaving. My boss is just giving me her position, bur I have less than 3 weeks notice and I don’t even know what my boss wants me to teach! Actually, now I know she wants me to teach Science and History. That takes a lot of planning.). It scares me too much. I don’t think I will be good at it and I don’t want the extra work. I thought I should take it so I can be one rung less separated from the people I eat lunch with. I am the only BA in the conference room now.I know others take it badly that I eat lunch on Wednesdays with you, Elizabeth (my boss), Danielle (the new BCBA), Iris (the O.T. therapist), and Claire (the BCaBA).
Today was a good day. I worked with John. It is always a treat to get him off the bus these days. We worked together every day for a year. For months, every time he saw me come down the aisle he screamed and said, “I HATE you! Why can’t I work with Barb?!? You’re the worst teacher ever! I wish you were dead.” etc. However, now when he sees me he smiles and gives me a big hug. While we waited for Cory and David, we chatted about his Halloween and talent show plans. I got that warm fuzzy feeling and realized, I love this kid. He did well, no aggression and he worked almost the entire Math class without screaming!! It sucked that he had 3 episodes of screaming, so I had to take away his check (the kids earn break by getting all 3 checks for safety, following direction/ respectful words, and doing their work). Therefore, he had to stay in class on break. He cried and wanted a hug. He cried all of break and did nothing fun, but he stayed safe and used coping skills to turn things around.
I ate a normal lunch and didn’t purge it, even though I was tempted to purge.
Ginny did a presentation on reinforcement and the functions of behavior. When she said SIB can be automatically reinforcing (the act alone is reinforcing, nothing external like attention or escape is needed to keep the behavior going), the person behind me said, “That is WEIRD.” Her comment bothered me. Something isn’t weird, just because YOU don’t understand it. I think I’m being overly sensitive because I wouldn’t be (as) mad if someone said licking walls was weird.
So far, so good handling Ginny’s online absence and not telling her about my weight loss. I’m extremely proud of my coping last night.
That was my reaction when Ginny said she promised her daughter she wouldn’t be online from 6 -9 on week nights. Followed quickly by cutting urges from intropunitive anger, self-blame, and guilt for selfishness… But then, I picked up my puppy, hugged her, and said the right (and true) words about spending time with kids.
Decisions, decisions for tomorrow at lunch. She wants to eat quickly (read: alone). The OT therapist said she likes Heather more. Okay, that isn’t literally what she said. She said Heather was hilarious, while making fun of me (good naturedly).
We’re to the point at home that my mom is buying food she knows I like, leaving it out, and tearing off the nutrition labels.
Wow!In the time it took to write this, I calmed down without behavior and clarified what Ginny meant about lunch. She DOES want to eat quickly, but wants me to go. I even feel calm about her new technology rule. I have school to occupy my time and here to vent about work. 😉
I decided I’m searching for acceptance because Ginny replied to a long message from me with one sentence. She said she was “out” and would reply in depth later. I said “Ok” and she saw that message a few hours later, but never replied. As a result, on my drive to work, I wondered if she was still my friend or if she was pulling away in preparation for supervising me. Perhaps she thinks we can’t be friends if she is going to supervise me. After asking myself that question, I realized its absurdity! While she might be pulling away, I can’t logically make that conclusion from one message reply!! Regardless, I’m not messaging her unless she sends me a message first because I feel like I bother her and I don’t want to bug her.
My day was good. I worked with Gage again. He had a tough day. I’ve eaten lunch two days in a row, but this morning my mom asked if I was “having eating problems again.” At first, I said no. Then she looked at me and replied, “Don’t lie to me. No one in this world cares more about you.” Consequently, I admitted I was struggling a little bit. She is also worried about my weight. However, she admitted I lose weight in my face first.
Tonight I hit my head in anger. I didn’t realize it made a mark until my mom asked if I was bit by a bug outside. At first I felt alarmed, but then I realized I don’t completely want it to fade. Part of me wants Ginny to notice it because she will know it is self-injury.
Therefore, I want her concern. I guess I want proof she cares about me. I don’t want to bother her or scare her, but I want her to care. I’m not sure how to deal with this motivation. I know the answer is getting attention through positive means. Yet, concern is a specific emotion!
How do you know someone cares about you, without being sick?