I often wonder whether people like me or just put up with me. Sometimes I express that in exasperating ways. Today was one of those days. I think the way I express those fears is annoying because my statements unintentionally sound accusatory.
Ginny said no one else expects her to respond to every message. Then I realized all of my friends interact in the same way that makes me question myself. I am the person starting the conversation. If I do not ask multiple questions, there is no conversation. None of my friends independently ask about me or my day. It is up to me to contact them, which means I am nothing more than an annoyance. Either my expectations are too high or I am annoying to everyone.
I don’t expect a response to every message. I feel upset when I realize I am always the person initiating conversation or trying to hang out. To me this says, no one really wants to talk to me or see me, they only do so when my badgering becomes unbearable. In other words, they respond to get me to shut up.
Does one person in a friendship usually start a conversation? How often and/or how fast do you expect a response to a message?
I feel happy! Ginny invited me to lunch on a day we’re off work. 🙂 *feels wanted and liked*
Also, I heard a great song on the radio today.
WHAT IS NORMAL CONVERSATION?!? Is ANY of the following socially acceptable? The red text is my own additional thoughts. I wouldn’t send anything in red.
This is what I want to send to Ginny:
Barb made me laugh this afternoon. I don’t want her to leave.
Today was a good day. I worked with John. It is always a treat to get him off the bus these days. We worked together every day for a year. For months, every time he saw me come down the aisle he screamed and said, “I HATE you! Why can’t I work with Barb?!? You’re the worst teacher ever! I wish you were dead.” etc. However, now when he sees me he smiles and gives me a big hug. While we waited for Cory and David, we chatted about his Halloween and talent show plans. I got that warm fuzzy feeling and realized, I love this kid. He did well, no aggression and he worked almost the entire Math class without screaming!! It sucked that he had 3 episodes of screaming, so I had to take away his check (the kids earn break by getting all 3 checks for safety, following direction/ respectful words, and doing their work). Therefore, he had to stay in class on break. He cried and wanted a hug. He cried all of break and did nothing fun, but he stayed safe and used coping skills to turn things around.
I ate a normal lunch and didn’t purge it, even though I was tempted to purge.
Ginny did a presentation on reinforcement and the functions of behavior. When she said SIB can be automatically reinforcing (the act alone is reinforcing, nothing external like attention or escape is needed to keep the behavior going), the person behind me said, “That is WEIRD.” Her comment bothered me. Something isn’t weird, just because YOU don’t understand it. I think I’m being overly sensitive because I wouldn’t be (as) mad if someone said licking walls was weird.
So far, so good handling Ginny’s online absence and not telling her about my weight loss. I’m extremely proud of my coping last night.
PANIC That was my reaction when Ginny said she promised her daughter she wouldn’t be online from 6 -9 on week nights. Followed quickly by cutting urges from intropunitive anger, self-blame, and guilt for selfishness… But then, I picked up my puppy, hugged her, and said the right (and true) words about spending time with kids. Decisions, decisions for tomorrow at lunch. She wants to eat quickly (read: alone). The OT therapist said she likes Heather more. Okay, that isn’t literally what she said. She said Heather was hilarious, while making fun of me (good naturedly). We’re to the point at home that my mom is buying food she knows I like, leaving it out, and tearing off the nutrition labels. Fuck Food.
Wow! In the time it took to write this, I calmed down without behavior and clarified what Ginny meant about lunch. She DOES want to eat quickly, but wants me to go. I even feel calm about her new technology rule. I have school to occupy my time and here to vent about work. 😉
I decided I’m searching for acceptance because Ginny replied to a long message from me with one sentence. She said she was “out” and would reply in depth later. I said “Ok” and she saw that message a few hours later, but never replied. As a result, on my drive to work, I wondered if she was still my friend or if she was pulling away in preparation for supervising me. Perhaps she thinks we can’t be friends if she is going to supervise me. After asking myself that question, I realized its absurdity! While she might be pulling away, I can’t logically make that conclusion from one message reply!! Regardless, I’m not messaging her unless she sends me a message first because I feel like I bother her and I don’t want to bug her.
My day was good. I worked with Gage again. He had a tough day. I’ve eaten lunch two days in a row, but this morning my mom asked if I was “having eating problems again.” At first, I said no. Then she looked at me and replied, “Don’t lie to me. No one in this world cares more about you.” Consequently, I admitted I was struggling a little bit. She is also worried about my weight. However, she admitted I lose weight in my face first.