Too Serious?

I got a BCBA job!! I’ll have to try balancing¬† because I need rapport with parents and RBTs.

Ginny recently told me I need to be less intense. Her first suggestion was to smile more and then talk to co-workers about something other than work.

I need to move to season 3 ūüėČ

quicker with a smile

When I first arrived here for my practicum, I tried opening up in a positive way, but it waned over time. I struggle with balance. Ginny knows more than she really needs to! I’ve at least been successful on that front (not over sharing irl ūüėČ ). I’m participating in feeding training research. The point is to se which methods of training parents and caregivers is the most efficient. I told the PI I was fascinated by feeding treatment because I had an eating disorder in high school. However, I didn’t go into detail. That disclosure led to a neat conversation about current research on ARFID, AN, and BN.

How do you create positive working relationships with others?

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Evolution or Reinvention

I’m moving to a state where no one knows me. I could be anyone. Other than my stupid scars, I don’t have to have a past. I know I can pretend to be bubbly and extroverted because I was as a camp counselor. I also know I can make small talk because I managed to be the talkative one at a high school friend’s baby shower, where I knew no one.

Ginny told me a while ago that I’m too intense and it is off-putting to some people at work because I’m always serious. On one hand, I’ll be surrounded by other graduate students and they may be more serious as well. On the other hand, I could try being less Olivia Dunham Season 1 and more Olivia Dunham Season 5. ;p

quicker with a smile

 

In the meantime, I’m sad that I have less than 9 days of work left. I’m avoiding packing. As I feel more sad, I’m withdrawing from friends. I’m not sure if I’m isolating to decrease the pain of leaving or if I’m isolating because that is my MO when I’m sad.

 

Have you ever moved states? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

The Anti-Birthday

I caught myself smiling on my way to work. The kids came back today and I’ve missed them!

Then everyone kept saying happy birthday. I don’t like my birthday. First of all, it means I am another year older and still don’t have my shit figured out. Second, my twin brother died on our birthday. Last, my paternal grandma died on my 22nd birthday.

I remember hearing my mom tell my uncle that for the first few years of my life, my birthday always made her sad because once she found out she was having twins, she imagined her life with two babies. Now my birthday makes my dad sad too because it is the day his mom died.

I’ve often felt like the wrong twin survived. I feel guilty. He would’ve been a better child. I’m a burden on my parents. I also feel like I need to live for both of us because somehow, it was my fault he died. If I wasn’t around, he would’ve gone full term and lived. Therefore, I need to make up for it by being perfect.

I like to think my grandma was aware that day and tried to hold on until after my birthday, so that my birthday wasn’t associated with her death. She was in the ICU for over a month and a half with sepsis. For a day and a half, her vitals kept dipping, then they’d recover. My dad leaned over and whispered that it was okay for her to let go. 10 minutes later she was gone. I’m not talkative offline, but I remember talking for hours to my grandma while she was unconscious. One time she opened her eyes while I was talking to her. I asked if she knew who I was because last time I talked to her, she was disoriented and didn’t recognize my mom. She said, “Of course. You’re my sweet angel, (me).” and lifted her hand to my face.

There was only one time during that ICU stay that my grandma was completely awake and aware. I still feel guilty that I left her hospital room early that day. My dad needed to catch a plane and I’d ridden with him to the hospital. My uncle offered to drive me home so that I could stay, but I decided I didn’t want to be stuck at the hospital… I thought she was getting better. I didn’t know it was my last chance to have a conversation with her. I said goodbye and I love you, then I left. They played cards after I left and a few hours later, she went to sleep and was never that coherent again.

 

My co-workers took me out to lunch. I was anxious about it because I no longer have the potential study making it “okay” for me to not use eating disordered behaviors. When the study was a possibility, I could quiet the monster by saying I couldn’t restrict or purge because that would disqualify me from the study. When I don’t use behaviors, I feel guilty, but I could assuage the guilt because of the study. Consequently, lunch yesterday versus today with co-workers was a totally different ballgame.

I was annoyed because the co-worker I’m replacing (Barb) invited herself to lunch. Initially, I was only going out with Ginny, the new behaviorist, my boss, and the O.T. therapist. Then, someone invited Heather as we were walking out of the building. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me, but I was already on edge because it was my birthday. Furthermore, my anxiety built up because we had to wait for an all staff meeting before we could leave for lunch and we were stuck waiting for the meeting to start for 15 minutes.

I don’t like big groups. I get lost easily because I’m quiet and introverted. Then I feel invisible and unwanted. So, 7 people is too many people for comfort. If I know all of them well and I’m in a good place emotionally, I can handle that, but I don’t and I’m not. Barb often talks about triggering subjects like childhood abuse and I’m still jealous of Heather. Eating without those 2 would’ve been much better.

OH, then Heather started talking about her mental illness and the new behaviorist brought up suicide (I don’t fault her because it is a very personal subject for her and because Heather already brought up mental illness). Both of which were triggering. Then people started talking about weight.

Fringe_Peter_head bang

Plus, they gave me free ice cream. It was good, but difficult because ice cream is a huge purging trigger for me. I wanted to purge, but I felt too guilty to purge because Ginny paid for my meal.

 

Edited to Add: My aunt just posted on FB and reminded me of something my cousin said… He told my mom that Grandma and I now have a special bond since we share a birthday. He views death as your birth in heaven.

Research Studies for Depression

I’m investigating clinical studies for depression treatment.

Okay_olvia_Observer Boy_Fringe

Sadly, many of them exclude people with eating disorders.

My mom’s reaction surprised me! She¬†wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. Now to broach the subject with my psychiatrist…

 

Dentist: It was perfect! NO teeth problems!

Now You Want to Help

There is no grand revelation here. I’m just posting so I don’t say anything¬†I’ll regret out loud or message friends in distress because that passes my stress onto them.

So, my dad just went to Walgreens and asked for my prescription so that he could drop it off for me. I didn’t want to give it to him because dropping off my prescriptions and handling my medications was one of the things my mom brought up yesterday.

NOW they want to help me stay medicated and in treatment (later yesterday my mom mentioned finding a new therapist). A couple weeks ago I wanted their help paying for treatment and they refused because they wanted me in a higher level of care than I wanted. Too late, I don’t want their help staying well.

Bullshit_Olivia_ Fringe

My dad is out of town 90% of the year. He is in town this week. I’m mad about that because it means I can’t B/P on my time off.

I cut because of those 2 things and because I was so wrapped up caring about Facebook *likes* that I didn’t even realize the meaning behind my friend’s pictures. Now my comments are redundant because a bunch of people commented.¬†That reminds me that I’m a crappy friend.

If Masochism is Self-Hate…Now What?

I just don’t know. Tonight, I’m almost positive my masochism is just another form of self-harm. How could it not be with the depth of my self-loathing?!

If it is simply another way to express self-hate, is that unhealthy? …I think so… but maybe not…

Fringe_Olivia stressed

If it is unhealthy, where does that leave me? This curse has been inside me since I can remember. My mom suggested sex therapy, to manually learn to enjoy vanilla intimacy more than kink but… I don’t think that will work. So, now what?! A life with no sexual pleasure because intimacy is unhealthy for me because sex equals violence because I really, really, really think I deserve violence?!

 ALSO, TO GO OR NOT TO GO TOMORROW?!?!?!?!