To Die or Not to Die

**TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDAL IDEATION**

That is the question. I would have killed myself last night, except if I attempt suicide again, I need to be 100% sure I won’t wake up in the hospital again and that is tough to ensure with the methods available to me on an impulse.

I talked to my mom about whether or not to quit law school. Before the conversation I was fine, during and after the conversation I was suicidal. I was not suicidal because of law school. This has never been about law school. In the end, it is about me. The urges began when Mom admitted something to me… She is frustrated and she has been frustrated for years because she is sick and tired of the crises I manufacture for myself and my enumerated character flaws. She said she was sick of me all four years of undergrad and she almost didn’t want me to go to graduate school because I’m too emotionally weak. She is tired of mental illness and seeing me shoot myself in the foot. The facts don’t bother me. I know I am weak. I know I forge the shackles that hobble me with my own mind. I know the only thing holding me back is me. I know I have plenty of character flaws. I know I sabotage my own success. Her words hurt because she is the main reason I abjure suicide. I stay because I know what my suicide would do to her. There are other reasons like the rest of my family and friends and a lingering fear of hell. However, I believe everyone else would get over it with time. I am afraid of hell for suicide or for any of the innumerable ways I fall short as a human being, but sometimes I think I deserve hell. Furthermore, a large chunk of me thinks there is no hell or God wouldn’t damn me specifically for suicide. My mom is the only person I am certain would not recover from my suicide. Everyone else would move on.

So, when she said she was frustrated and sick of me and my problems…My first thought was that I could easily remove the source of her anger. The past two times I did not write suicide notes. This time I would. In essence, I’m doing it for them, for everyone. There maybe sadness and anger, but there won’t be any more fear, worry, frustration, disappointment, sadness, or anger. That will be the end of my story. She won’t have to worry about whether I’m eating or sleeping or going to class. She can do whatever she wants because she won’t have to worry about me being alone when I’m struggling. If I finish what I started 11 years ago, everyone else will have a better life with me gone. All I do is cause hurt and chaos. Ah hell, GOD started it 23 years ago. Everyone knows I shouldn’t have survived. I contribute nothing positive, or at least not nearly enough positive things to outweigh all the negatives.

My existence only causes heartache. Could I change that? Theoretically, but as my mom said last night, what makes me think I will change? I can say I’ll do better all I want, but so far, I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Therefore, I have no logical reason to believe I will be a better person in the future. I always say I’ll do better, I’ll be better, and I’ll try harder. But I am never enough and I never will be. There is no point in prolonging their suffering.

Ironically, I don’t want to die.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Yet, I am an unwelcome burden on the people I love and I cannot abide by that. I say unwelcome because while I would feel guilty if I had ALS and my family members cared for me as my health declined, I would not be suicidal if they wanted me around, while I could still draw breath.       Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

But no one does, not really. Sure people would say flowery words, claiming they miss me, but actions speak louder than words. As I said, I admit there would be initial grief and I regret that, but everyone (except perhaps Mom) has their own, separate, vibrant, full life. Taking me out of the equation will not hinder them in the long run. They don’t need me now; so, postmortem platitudes are just that…Empty words. They’ll go back to school, work, family, loved ones, and heal. As I live, all I do is compound the pain. If I die, it would hurt them for a while, but that would be the end of their burden.

I would need to somehow assuage guilt. That is the toughest part. I am capable of killing myself (provided I am uninterrupted) for sure. The worst possible outcome would be interruption and brain damage. I can make sure I am uninterrupted though. Teenage me didn’t think about the interruption part. I expected I’d fall asleep and no one would notice until it was too late. Apparently, I stayed conscious and obviously drugged. No more mistakes. I am certain grief will heal and they’ll experience less pain overall. I have no dependents to worry about. The afterlife will be whatever it is… The only remaining problem is I know suicide makes people feel guilty and guilt can be tougher to overcome than grief. It can tear people apart and I don’t want that.

I know everything in my life, including my death, should I chose it, is my fault and if they could see it rationally they would understand they couldn’t make a difference. However, I of all people, know emotions are not rational. The only way to solve the problem is writing very thorough notes or deciding the risk of guilt is less than the continued pain caused by my presence.

Speaking of my presence, I said I didn’t want to die, but I can’t just disappear to remove my influence because then they will always wonder what happened to me. I imagine that gnawing hole would be worse than my annoyance. A dead body puts that question to rest.

This is all awful because I don’t actually want to die. As much as my loved ones try to understand, they blame me for my shortcomings.

Buffy_dou think I chose to be like this

Last night I paraphrased the above GIF saying, “Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you think I do this on purpose? Do you think I want to make the same mistakes over and over again? Do you think I want to be miserable?!?” She sort of understood what I was saying, but correctly dismissed it. They rightfully blame me. After all, I do make excuses. As my Mom said last night, my failures aren’t from some magical mental illness I can’t control; I let myself be weak and I dodge blame saying I can’t help it. That isn’t true. I can help it, but I won’t. There is something wrong with me because I don’t have the willpower to do things for myself. I’m motivated by pleasing others. I will go through hell for other people, but getting out of bed in the morning for my own gratification feels impossible. I am capable of it, but unless someone else has the expectation that I get out of bed and they’ll know if I don’t get out of bed, and I care about them, I will stay in bed all day.

Buffy_it's hard it's painful and it's everyday

I tried to tell her that while technically I made choices, which led to outcomes I disliked, and technically I have the ability to make different choices, things are not so black and white. Buffy_not that simple

Why would anyone chose this? They would not!! At the same time… she is right. The simple truth is: I am too weak. I could / would / should do a lot…but I’m too weak emotionally.

Buffy_no control just pain

It feels like internal chaos. In reality, I hold the reigns; I can do better. I am simply not strong enough.

Buffy_sleepwalk through life

She said there is no point in doing the bare minimum again and barely passing. It is a waste of time, effort, anguish, and money. That is so true. Nonetheless, part of me holds out hope that I can finish the semester and give new classes a chance. She is correct. I’m foolish. As always, I’m telling myself what I want to hear, but doing nothing to create change.
Buffy_too much for me want it to be over

*breathes deeply* I cried while typing this, big surprise… *sigh* For now I’m trying to persevere. Buffy_moment by moment

But then I think… I’m just kidding myself. I am nothing. I am no one. I am a moment in eternity. I am a red dwarf in a sky full of blazing suns. I could better myself, but I don’t have the energy, the willpower. At least if I died in the next 24 hours, my mom would get 70% of this semester’s tuition back.

I can’t withdraw because that admits defeat and stagnation. Also, as I already said, as boring as I find the material, this all comes down to me and nothing about my circumstances. Plus, quitting dooms me to a lifetime of worrying other people. So, I stay and pass or I kill myself. Doing it sooner rather than later means my family gets some money. So, am I reducing the value of my life to about $9,500? I guess so. That seems callous, but I believe it is worth less than that.

*laughs bitterly* Now I am frustrated! I still don’t want to die. There are places I want to see and things I want to experience, but they come at the cost of other people’s happiness. I feel sad; my heart is heavy.

I won’t kill myself, unless on impulse because some small part of me knows even though I can’t fathom it at the moment, my suicide would hurt the people I care about more than I can imagine.

Here is to spending the next 2 hours reading for a class I think I may have already failed because I missed too much class. I may have miscalculated the number of allowed absences because I forgot to take the credit hour change into account. Although my classes are all the same as last semester, their respective number of hours changed this semester and the maximum allowed absences is a function of how many hours a class is worth.

I guess in the interim, I’ll make do with imagining violence happening to me. (…which is why I fear masochism is an outlet of self-loathing…but then it is the only way I am aroused…but then this is clearly related…Ugh, FAIL…)

Dean_Supernatural_stabbing you in my mind

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The Remnants of Fear

I say I am not Christian; I don’t believe in God, but I still have many ideas stuck in my head. Despite hearing, “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-34) as a child, like I said in my last post, I do not believe all women should be submissive. I identify as a submissive, but not because I am female.

However, I still have a lot of fear bottled up inside. I do not think my family or church intended to instill fear; I think they meant to give me hope of salvation, but all I see are paths to damnation. In some ways it works in my favor. For example, 1 of the 2 things that stopped me from attempting suicide since age 16 is a fear of Hell. I don’t think a just God would damn a broken human for his or her weakness, but I cannot be sure.

In other ways, the ideas I can’t seem to dislodge, despite my lack of belief in their religious tenants, are unhelpful. For example, I am technically a virgin. In other words, I have no experience with penile vaginal penetration. Why does this one act mean more to me than any other genital skin contact? Obviously there is a pregnancy fear, but birth control can easily take care of that. I also worry about STDs, but other sexual contact can transmit STDs.

In my mind there is something special about vaginal penetration. I can’t logically explain it, so I think it is a vestige of my upbringing. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about vaginal intercourse before marriage. I do not feel guilt about the other sex acts I’ve done. It is so frustrating! Clearly, I find alternatives stimulating. Yet, people hold it up at the Holy Grail of intimacy. So, maybe that is what I’m missing in vanilla intimate contact?

I hate how the very thought of an action can create guilt! It is absurd! It probably did not help matters when my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…like my brother was at the time. He is still in the family, but she said she would be angrier at me because I am female and would risk more.

I read this blog post and it made me feel a little better because it reminded me of Deej’s West Wing Clip about homosexuality and the Bible. Both arguments mention relying on some sections of the Old Testament to decry behavior, while selectively ignoring other sections (ex. human trafficking). The earlier conversation helped me accept part of my sexuality in a new way. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this fear. It is illogical, right?! If the statistic on the linked blog post are true and 9 out of 10 women in 1940 had premarital sex, certainly a just God would not damn each of those people. After all, I believe the Bible says somewhere that all sin is equal and we’re all sinners. Therefore, lying to my mom every day about restricting my food is no better than premarital sex.

But then…WHY DO I EVEN CARE what the Bible says if I don’t believe?!? I think I care because I afraid it is true. Yet, if it is all true, then there is forgiveness. So, why am I so fearful?

I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to regret losing my virginity. I don’t want to look back and feel sad on my wedding night that I can’t give my virginity to my partner.

Oddly, since coming to terms with bisexuality, I don’t get the same sense to guilt over female-female fisting. WTF brain?!?! That would break the precious piece of skin your worrying about to!!

Firefly_going mad

Christian Domestic Discipline

Admittedly, my knowledge is limited. However, I don’t like the idea. Perhaps I should not care are the reasons behind a Dom/me’s motivation, but I do.

I do not believe anyone (…except myself…) is worse or better than anyone else. I do not believe women are less than men. I do not believe women should be subservient or men must be dominant. I believe there are differences between genders which may predispose someone to certain roles, for example, caregiving. However, I do not think that means anyone is relegated to a certain position. Women do not have to be stay at home mothers, women do not even have to be mothers, and men can make great stay at home dads! I believe submission is right for me. I do not think it is right for all women, nor do I think it is wrong for a man to be submissive.

With this in mind, CDD bothers me because proponents teach that God gives men the right and obligation to discipline and guide his wife. I do not believe any deity gives someone the right to dominant me. I submit because it feels right to me, not because I think God or the universe or society demands it. If I chose, I can submit to a woman and that makes me no less human. In fact, I would rather submit to a woman who earned my trust and devotion than a man who did not.

Zedd_PrincessCara_no such thing

The idea that God gives someone the right to punish their spouse on the basis of gender or any other reason bothers me. No one has the right to do anything to me; they earn the right to hurt me and teach me because they prove themselves intelligent, trustworthy and caring.

I feel hypocritical vetting someone else’s motives, when I am not so sure my masochistic/submissive motives are pure, but CDD does not sit well with me.

Do you have thoughts about Christian Domestic Discipline or any type of religion-sanctified gender role?

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM

Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.