Long to-do list, no Motivation

So many things to do and plenty of time… I’m just not doing them.

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Holiday preparations distracted me.

I’m doing a good job bugging Ginny less while she is on vacation. At the same time, I feel like her lack of communication proves she dislikes me and wants me to leave her alone. Of course, I was the one offline all day yesterday. *rolls eyes*

People’s happy holiday pictures make me feel hopeless and jealous. In other words, not much is new!

I NEED to write my statement of purpose for graduate school admission, practice for the GRE, sign up to take the GRE, lesson plan, ask for recommendations, and clean. Instead, I slept until 2 pm.

I have a word document open, but less than one sentence typed.

Family is the same, occasional occurrences of major property destruction during fights and regular arguments, followed by peace. Christmas was good, ED is harassing me though. I didn’t use behaviors, I simple felt miserable and guilty for eating too much. I realized it is kind of messed up that I value myself more when I’m disappearing. That is when I take up less space and there is less of me.

My brother is separated from him his wife. We only learned that because he said he was at home, not in her hometown. They switch off whose hometown they visit every other year. He should’ve been in her hometown. Apparently, she went without him

At this rate, I’m going to miss the application deadlines for Fall 2017, just like I missed the application deadlines for January 2017.

I know I’m behind on approving and responding to comments. I’ll get back on track soon. I hope you’ve had (or you are having) a relaxing, safe, fun, holiday season.

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Not Happy with A??

WHY do I feel dissatisfied with a 96% on my final exam for my first graduate school class? This is ridiculous and even I KNOW IT. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel happy or at least relieved I passed. I’d be happy (probably) if my 96% was the high score, but it is not. I know I’m being petty loser, but I still feel like crying. I can’t explain it!

 

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Test Grade Anxiety

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I want to cut because I earned a 97% on my 4th graduate school test. I also earned a 97% on the last one. I got 100s on the first two exams.

I realized “wanting to cut” is not an emotion.

I guess I feel… disappointed with the grade and disappointed in myself. I’m mad at myself; I procrastinated horribly the past 2 weeks. I know I can do better. I think I’m also upset because if I was smart enough, I wouldn’t have to study more than the day of the test.

Days Off are Off Days

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I took a day off work even though my post-operative appointment isn’t until 3:30 because if I don’t use my vacation days, they go to an emergency bank. You can only use the emergency bank days for unexpected events like surgery or a child’s serious illness. When you leave work the days in your emergency bank are not paid out. You lose them. Therefore, it makes sense to use my PTO days before they roll over into the emergency bank. I still feel guilty for using my days. I also dislike using PTO days because I never do well with free time. Work is usually a great distraction from my mind. Even though my co-workers often infuriate me, work keeps my mind engaged in the moment. Even when I have SIB or eating disordered urges at work, they tend not to last long because my attention is needed elsewhere. I might need to play Bop It with Cory, teach John fractions, or transport Gage to the bathroom because he had an accident and refuses to walk to the bathroom. Driving home, my mind replays the annoyances of the day.

I’m still procrastinating and starting to freak out because of my anxiety about getting my work done before the test! I have hours of lecture I need to listen to and I haven’t started reading. So far, I’ve managed to stay on top of lectures and homework. Usually, I’d take the test Friday afternoon. However, I can wait until Monday night to take it. I hate my lack of self-control.

Also, I feel fat because I’m almost weight restored again. 😦

How do you make yourself study when you’re stuck in a cycle of procrastination?

Running instead of Cutting

 

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I tried running to cope when I wanted to cut earlier. I don’t even remember the trigger anymore. It sort of worked. At first it helped, but once I started breathing normally again, my SIB urges returned. So, I tried running again. This time I ran until I literally could not keep pace anymore. The second time, my SIB urges did not return. However, predictably, I was tired!

Along with eradicating unpleasant emotions and pushing distressing thoughts away, cutting helps me focus. It makes me more alert and concentration is easier. Running did the opposite. I was too tired to focus on the video lecture!

I liked the thought of running because it serves many purposes (self-punishment, emotional regulation, pushing thoughts away, measurable progress). If you use running or exercise to cope, do you always feel tired after or do you get used to it? If you always feel tired, how do you wake yourself up? Or do you have alternate coping skills that serve all these purposes?

So, the search for a replacement behavior continues.

The next class for my course was this evening. It went well, but my stupid internet kicked me offline THREE times! That was hugely triggering and I couldn’t just leave and cut or run because you have to answer questions. Next time I’m going to Starbucks.

 

Happiness is Studying. WHAT?!

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You know you picked the right field when studying is fun and you buy the optional reading material, not necessarily because you want clarification on terms, but because you’re curious and want to know everything possible about the subject.

School is Scary

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Oh my God! I forgot how stressful school is.

All this information is overwhelming. I’m anxious and afraid of failure. I’m scared I can’t hack it. So far, I already know all the concepts they’re teaching. However, getting used to this format and the workload (5 hours of video to watch, reviewing a PowerPoint presentation, 3 chapters in a textbook, and reading response questions) is daunting.