Pessimism Creates a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

I did well until I was alone with no accountability or schedule.

I slept for 36 hours and didn’t get out of bed for almost 48. Unsurprisingly, my weight is no longer stable. However, I’m not as happy as I usually am about weight loss.

I’m not talking to friends. I worry my quietness indicates I don’t care, I’m too busy, or I’m not thinking about them now that I am far away, none of which are true. Unless, you count literally staring at the wall as too busy.

I’m lying to family about functioning and daydreaming about locked psych wards.

Passive suicidal thoughts are back.

This can’t be over before it even began. I don’t start the internship until next week.

I identified a few contributing factors. I missed meds accidentally for 2 days (now 3 as a result of sleeping). I’m afraid. While I’m sleeping a lot, I’m not sure if it is restful sleep because I’m tossing and turning all night and having unpleasant dreams.

For example, I was talking to student, who shares my past, about getting kicked out of school. I’m trying to explain that being placed in a more restrictive environment than a normal school does not reflect on your ability to succeed in a typical environment and it doesn’t make you bad. Suddenly Ginny’s daughter appears, we make eye contact, and I know she overheard. I immediately feel ashamed and wish she hadn’t heard. Then some random person enters and says, “I heard you guys are weird and into crazy stuff.”

Another dream: I’m at prom with a friend who left high school to go to residential treatment and then went to a new school. We get kicked out because former students aren’t allowed to attend prom. Then transporting, in time and place, I’m at a middle school dance for the school that kicked me out and I’m “asked” to leave the dance for the same reason my friend was asked to leave prom.

It doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to determine my dreams’ meanings. I’m scared I won’t fit in and I can’t handle this. I’m ashamed of numerous facets of myself like getting expelled from middle school and my perceived culpability in abuse. I worry I don’t deserve this internship and they’ll soon figure that out and ask me to leave.

Using behaviors ensures that outcome. Of course I won’t fit in if I’m constantly subtly self-injuring or I never talk to anyone because I’m too busy planning binges. I won’t be “smart enough” if I’m restricting and can’t think.

Part of the problem with posting all this positive stuff is I feel like I can’t post when I am struggling. On the other hand, that feeling forces me to TRY to be a little positive. I spent over an hour looking for inspirational sayings that tie into this situation. Many rang hollow because of my mood, but this one still resonated with me. 

I know I can still turn this around. What can I do to be successful?

So far, I’ve got:

1. Stick to a sleep/wake schedule (proving very, very difficult!)

2. Plan activities that get me out of the apartment and seeing other people

3. Create and use a daily schedule for studying, ADLs, and talking to loved ones.

4. Tracking positive, recovery oriented actions, instead of only focusing on “failures” Ex. Today I got out of bed at 8 am, took my medication first thing, and ate breakfast.

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The Bulimic and the Dentist

WOW, I woke up at 8:20 am!

In about 3 hours, I have a dentist appointment for the first time in years. I’m nervous. They know about my bulimia, but I was recovered for 2 years. 4 years prior to that I only went through spurts of purging relapses, never long enough to retain my old bulimia diagnosis. I had an EDNOS diagnosis. As of June, I met the DSM V criteria for Bulimia Nervosa for the first time since 2009. Therefore, I’ve purged a lot since March. (The criteria specifies purging one a week – the DSM IV said twice a week – for at least 3 months.) I’m anxious about the damage to my teeth.

Olivia_Scared

My grandma is in surgery right now to remove a breast cancer tumor. She is one strong woman! She battled uterine cancer, leukemia, and a previous bout of breast cancer. Luckily, they caught it early; it is stage 1 and a relatively non-aggressive type of cancer. My mom is at the hospital with her, just like she was at the hospital with me 2 weeks ago for my eye surgery.

Yesterday: I purged. I napped, BUT only for an hour. That IS progress. It is a normal amount of napping (Right?), as opposed to my usual 3 hour naps! I did not binge. Yes, I ate ice cream, but it was a typical serving size and I did not feel out of control. Two steps forward, one step back. Overall, I’m pleased.