Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

How Do I Make Friends?!

That was a spectacular failure. Ginny wouldn’t let me out of my promise. Damn my personal code of ethics. I can lie all day long, to everyone around me about my eating disorder symptoms, but there are certain lines I won’t cross.

I find it harder to lie when presented with a direct question such as, “Did you eat lunch today?”, as opposed to “What did you have for lunch?”

I made a concrete promise and I can’t go back on my promise because that would be wrong. Plus, if I do, she will feel responsible for my death. She will always second guess her decision not to just drive me to the ER that day. If I call her and she can’t talk me out of it, she will also feel guilty. As a result, I am stuck. I wish I’d never told her or given her the pills because now she is involved. I wish I’d never told her about my eating disorder. I don’t even think she likes me. I think she feels sorry for me, yet I feel a bond with her. If I’d never told her about my eating disorder, we’d never talk about serious things. I wouldn’t feel tethered to anyone at work. no friends

How can I feel lonely, left out and friendless, but at the same time, wish I had no friends?

I guess I feel like I have friends, but I have no friends who care about me as much as I care about them. I have no close friends, no one who would drop everything for me in an emergency or miss me everyday if I disappeared. No one initiates social contact with ME. I might be an afterthought in a group, but I am not specifically wanted. I think none of the my friendships are reciprocal and close knit. I wish I either had zero friends or close friends.

What I should do is invite the people I care about to do things with me. I do that sometimes, but not on a regular basis, or I’ll make vague plans (Ex. let’s go to the comedy club this month), but not follow through…But then I feel as though, if anyone liked me, they’d invite ME to do things as well! Of course, people have invited me to do things after work and I always said no. BUT AGAIN, I was an afterthought. At the same time, how can I be anything but an afterthought if I know no one?

I looked into meetup.com again, but the thought of showing up to a meeting with a bunch of strangers, even strangers who enjoy the same things, terrifies me. On the other hand, if I didn’t go meet them, I’d never know them anyway. Therefore, their judgment is immaterial.

*sigh* I actually dressed and showered today!

How to NOT feel left out

If you have the answer, TELL ME! Oh my fucking God. I always feel left out. Ginny talks to someone else in the morning? My boss walks into an all staff meeting laughing with other co-workers? I’m pathetic. I’ve been part of a pro-ana Facebook group for 4 years and for the past 2 years I only post occasionally. Today I looked at the group and saw people made a new Facebook chat group for a weight loss competition and I immediately felt left out even though I hadn’t posted in the group for 3 weeks.

Firefly_Saffron eye roll

Just so you know I AM ALIVE

Life is just crazy. Things are in upheaval and my depression is awful (like stay in bed all day, don’t shower for days on end bad). I’ll update more by Monday. Sorry I disappeared. It was/is a bad stretch.

 

Depression is like:

no friends

I’m working to reach out to all my family and friends (including you) that I’ve isolated myself from.

 

white tulip fring walter

Forgive me?

Controlling the Curse

I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?

Frozen_so much fear

There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person

Frozen_Conceal Don't Feel

2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person Frozen_you're not safe here

3. I’m worthless. Even if, by some miracle, someone fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.

Frozen_the cold never bothered me anyway

4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.

Frozen_can't be free

5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. Frozen_no escaping the storm inside

6. Opening myself emotionally is dangerous and scary.

Frozen_love will thaw

7. I’m incapable of trust. 8. Premarital sex is wrong and I’m bad for considering it.

Frozen_be the good girl

9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her) 10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

Frozen_can't control the curse

or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…

I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or 3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.

2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.

3. Ehh, I’m almost positive I don’t believe this.

4. I suppose this is possible, but…

I wish I had Elsa’s attitude here