I just realized, for the first time in 10 years, the anniversary of my last suicide attempt past without notice (December 23, 2006). I guess my inattention is a good thing? It means I’m not focused on that moment in the past?
I just deleted over 100 Facebook friends. It started with girls from inpatient treatment. Some of them are getting married and having kids. I’m happy for them, but seeing their happiness also makes me feel alone, inadequate, and jealous. They were just as sick as I was once. Why are they happy, successful, and in love? Then I started deleting people from high school who I haven’t talked to in 7 years and from there, it spread.
Except now I feel more lonely. WTF? This reaction makes no sense! I’m annoyed at myself. I wish I was either so sick I was in the hospital or well enough to be happy. This half in – half out existence sucks. I’m not good enough to be inpatient or good enough to be normal.