Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

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Grateful for Family Putting Up with Me

I was homebound in 8th grade. A lot of our students are homebound before they come to us because their school district can’t handle their behaviors. When they come to us, they’re usually significantly behind in course work, even if they’re intellectually on grade level. In contrast, I did not fall behind while homebound.

I think my parents were the difference.

They couldn’t stop all my behaviors, but my parents were effective in:

A. making sure they sent curriculum (which based on schools not sending curriculum to our students and later friends in treatment whose parents had to fight schools to send work, is probably an issue),

B. creating consequences that made me work, and

C. supplementing what the tutor (or special education¬†teacher or whatever she was) did with me. For example, I took German, the woman didn’t know German. My parents hired a family friend to help me with German. Plus, the tutor only came once a week or maybe it was every other week. I don’t remember that detail.

What the district did by itself, wouldn’t have been enough, even if they sent work on their own (Idk, if they would’ve, I know my mom drove there a few times to pick stuff up when the woman didn’t bring it), the tutor’s presence wouldn’t have been sufficient without my parents’ consequences (her reinforcement was snack, lol) and extra help.

ūüė¶ Poor kids. I’ve thought it many times over the years, but I’ll say it again: I’m extremely lucky to have the family I have. I’d be dead many times over or on disability without their vigilance. Idk maybe they adapted as my behaviors changed, but even my grandparents or uncle (the psychiatrist) for example, wouldn’t have been enough despite being loving, smart, good people.

Plus, if I’d lived in one of those rural districts without good SPED services and didn’t go to private schools, I could’ve ended up in a school like my workplace. I almost did. After getting expelled from Middle School, my parents looked into alternative schools. One of the schools they looked at is a school we sent a student to last year as a step between our school and his home school. Furthermore, the school district provided academic resources, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and¬†physical therapy¬†from age 1 – high school. The latter 3 dropped off in elementary school. Now I’m thinking about how Iris (The OT therapist at work) thinks I’m too high functioning to obtain OT services now days. I guess that is another testament to both the school district and my parents. I always had supplemental therapies (OT, speech, and psychotherapy starting at age 12).

I stumbled across old IEPs while looking for proper documentation for disability accommodations. My mom has them all the way back to 1991 when I enrolled in my state’s early intervention program. I sound so much like our kids, it is unsettling.

The lecturer for my class mentioned a homebound kid in an example and my mind goes down memory lane.

I’ve only been able to think about those years in the past 2 or 3 years without overwhelming negative emotions.¬†I think the growth that allows me to remember things without pain is because of my job. Work has helped me be more compassionate with my younger self.

When I see myself in them, I repudiate young me¬†a little less. If I don’t hate Cory for drawing in blood in the QR,¬†how can¬†I hate myself for similar things?

Happiness is Studying. WHAT?!

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You know you picked the right field when studying is fun and you buy the optional reading material, not necessarily because you want clarification on terms, but because you’re curious and want to know everything possible about the subject.

That was Unexpected

I can’t pinpoint the cause of my current mood. I’ve been sad all day. Heather is officially coming to our program and that didn’t even phase me. I’m down. Usually going back to work makes me happy. I still feel useless, unwanted, and unneeded. Perhaps returning to that environment piqued those emotions. Nothing specifically set it off though. I remember randomly thinking, “You deserve to die” on my drive to work.

Twice I caught cognitive distortions and both of those times I recovered to my baseline sadness. First, I complimented a co-worker on her haircut and she barely acknowledged my statement. When another co-worker came in and commented on her hair, she gushed. I felt like my opinion didn’t matter or I didn’t matter. However, the second commenter was effusive. My affect was flat. Therefore, she mirrored the other person’s emotions.

Around 8:45, we all met in the gym for training. Ginny and my boss entered with a crowd of co-workers, many of whom I went on a weekend trip with 2 months ago. I felt excluded. However, I never venture into the conference room, where Ginny and my boss work, in the morning because I’m too afraid I’ll interrupt a meeting, even though most of the time people chat before the kids arrive. Therefore, I wasn’t in the group because I didn’t join the group in the area they usually congregate, not necessarily because I was intentionally left out.

When we broke for lunch, I considered hanging around my usual lunch mates and seeing where they planned to eat. However, I decided no one cared about my presence. Also, I felt hideous and fat. I was too disgusting to go out to eat in public with anyone. I did gain weight. 10 pounds in 9 days!! I felt as if everyone could tell and thought I was repulsive.

Buffy_joyce to dawn what ED says

So, I left and walked back to the classrooms. Ginny came to find me, which made me feel loved.¬† I said I wasn’t joining them for lunch because I was going to nap. I tried to nap and couldn’t, instead I rested on a beanbag and ended up repeating “I hate you. You deserve to die” in my head for 30 minutes. Obviously that wasn’t a mood booster… I remained dejected all day.

I felt annoyed by certain suggestions for the new school year, but didn’t feel like saying anything because 1. I feel ignored 2. No one would listen 3. I didn’t want to deal with rebuff 4. I feel my thoughts are unimportant or wrong. If I was right, people would already share my opinions. And 5. My mood made me too apathetic to comment despite the other 4 concerns. Even when I’m not depressed, I am insecure. So the first 4 concerns are often at play, but when I am less depressed, I care enough to say something regardless of my other feelings.

In theory, I have a promotion coming up when a classroom supervisor transitions to a new role. However, that has been pushed back to at least November and maybe later. I’m actually OKAY with that because I’m starting classes in October and didn’t want the added responsibility and school to start the same time. I want to get used to one or the other before adding another stressor. I am disappointed because of the pay.

So, happy fall  semester!