Thinking Doesn’t Make It True

I move in 4 days.

I miss my kids at work and I’m afraid. Not only am I uncertain I am capable of independence, but also things keep going wrong with my internship placement. For example, my semester starts in a few weeks, but I just received an email about their summer session starting in June.

 

My last day at work was wonderful. The kids made me a book of memories and advice.

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Everyone in my program (kids and staff), the speech and occupational therapists I’ve worked with, the behavioral staff, and the principals all wrote short notes.

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Claire and Danielle also gave me cards and going away gifts.

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Plus, I got a framed picture of all my kiddos. None of the kids went to the Quiet Room. I heard Mark mention that it was my last day and they should make it a good one multiple times, which was sweet of him.

All this brought home the idea:

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Saying good bye is hitting me more now that it is a weekday and I should be at work. So, I’m taking sentimental pictures of my gifts and wondering how my kids are fairing, instead of packing…. Ha, I should probably get back to that, if I want to leave on time! Part of me, a large part, doesn’t want to leave. However, I know I’ll learn a lot and be a better practitioner in the future. Plus, my replacement was already hired!

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Evolution or Reinvention

I’m moving to a state where no one knows me. I could be anyone. Other than my stupid scars, I don’t have to have a past. I know I can pretend to be bubbly and extroverted because I was as a camp counselor. I also know I can make small talk because I managed to be the talkative one at a high school friend’s baby shower, where I knew no one.

Ginny told me a while ago that I’m too intense and it is off-putting to some people at work because I’m always serious. On one hand, I’ll be surrounded by other graduate students and they may be more serious as well. On the other hand, I could try being less Olivia Dunham Season 1 and more Olivia Dunham Season 5. ;p

quicker with a smile

 

In the meantime, I’m sad that I have less than 9 days of work left. I’m avoiding packing. As I feel more sad, I’m withdrawing from friends. I’m not sure if I’m isolating to decrease the pain of leaving or if I’m isolating because that is my MO when I’m sad.

 

Have you ever moved states? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

1,000 mile move

In the next few months, I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.

I am scared.

I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now.  On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.

Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.

God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing. 

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I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…

I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?