Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Murder Suicide

I wish I could cut and not leave scars.

Last night, my mind turned to the dark place I avoided since Wednesday.

Holy shit. I just had a horrifying thought! My parents came to visit. Maybe my parents are a trigger. Of course, correlation does not equal causation. There are other contributing factors like perhaps the increased medication dose I started last Monday broke through on Wednesday and last night I was alone and facing the prospect of a weekend by myself.

Regardless, I was suicidal and decided no one other than my mom would suffer from my death. I could not quite get myself to believe she would not feel incomprehensible sadness. Therefore, my mind turned to… murder-suicide. *feels sick to stomach and evil* I would kill myself before ever acting on that thought, if only to protect her!

On days like this where I’m wilding going from highs to lows, I feel as if my childhood insistence that I was truly evil was correct… That there is some unnamed darkness inside me and if I don’t hurt myself, I will hurt others. I’m terrified that I am capable of acting out. I’m afraid if I stop harming myself, the anger inside me will boil over and I will hurt others. Therefore, self-destruction helps everyone.

Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

After that I realized Tuesday – Friday would be the perfect time because my mom is out of town. She left today, but I’m still house sitting until Monday night. Therefore, she would not have to deal with identifying my body or receiving a call from the police.

I would not do it at home. I’d do it somewhere she never goes because I don’t want her thinking of my body hanging from the basement rafters or in the grocery store parking lot.

Fuck. I don’t even know what happened. I was FINE Friday afternoon. I was fine after they came to visit, but then an hour later I started drifting. I don’t know why. I forgot 20 mg of my meds on Friday, but that shouldn’t have any immediate effect.

I got my putty in the mail. It is pretty awesome! I played with it a little bit and it helped, but not enough. I’m saying “screw it” and ordering binge food. I resisted binging for a while and purging for even longer, but binging will numb me and purging will both punish and exhaust me.

Exhaustion reminds me of a potential cause for the suicidal relapse. One theory about anti-depressants’ suicide risk is that it gives people with depression an energy boost, before it completely kicks in. As a result, they have enough energy to carry out a plan, whereas before the medication, they were too lethargic to do anything.

I can’t tell anyone because they’re quicker to hospitalize someone for homicidal urges than suicidal urges. I believe this will pass.

My class, assuming I am both alive and not in the hospital, starts a week from tomorrow. I am scared of failing.