I tried running to cope when I wanted to cut earlier. I don’t even remember the trigger anymore. It sort of worked. At first it helped, but once I started breathing normally again, my SIB urges returned. So, I tried running again. This time I ran until I literally could not keep pace anymore. The second time, my SIB urges did not return. However, predictably, I was tired!
Along with eradicating unpleasant emotions and pushing distressing thoughts away, cutting helps me focus. It makes me more alert and concentration is easier. Running did the opposite. I was too tired to focus on the video lecture!
I liked the thought of running because it serves many purposes (self-punishment, emotional regulation, pushing thoughts away, measurable progress). If you use running or exercise to cope, do you always feel tired after or do you get used to it? If you always feel tired, how do you wake yourself up? Or do you have alternate coping skills that serve all these purposes?
So, the search for a replacement behavior continues.
The next class for my course was this evening. It went well, but my stupid internet kicked me offline THREE times! That was hugely triggering and I couldn’t just leave and cut or run because you have to answer questions. Next time I’m going to Starbucks.
Why am I freaking out right now? I just emailed Ginny about supervision. It is our first official communication. Sending the email made me want to cut. Am I afraid she’ll withdraw because of the supervision? Am I afraid I’ll do poorly and suddenly she won’t like me? Am I afraid of supervision in general? Am I afraid I won’t be able to handle the feedback like when she and my boss talked to me?
I think it is a combination of the first and the last thought. However, there may be reasons I haven’t thought about. Regardless, I hope the urge goes away soon… but depending on the cause, I might get this urge every time we meet officially or every time she watches me. I have a bad habit of deferring to her or my boss when they are around, even if I know what to do. I look for non-verbal cues of approval or direction. Ignoring her will be difficult. I did it once before. Gage used to be much better and he was specifically better with me. So, she observed me working with him to determine why there was a difference between how he acted with me and with others. Then she re-wrote his plan based on my interactions with him. I don’t think there was anything wrong with his plan. I think the problem was staff error, either they were lazy and didn’t want to do the hard work of imposing consequences or they didn’t know what they were supposed to do. Sadly, he has regressed enough that he struggles no matter who he works with. My point is I did ignore her once when I knew she was specifically watching me. So, I’ve done it successfully.
Wanting to survive is progress, but I look forward to the day when I’m doing more than just fighting myself from one day to the next.
I had an accident in my grandma’s car. I still feel awful about it!! However, I did NOT cut or binge or purge. Last night I started reading a DBT workbook I bought. It was well timed. The first skill is radical acceptance, where you admit that you can’t change the past and the future is not now (Therefore, don’t fixate on it.). I kept repeating that hurting myself wouldn’t fix the problem. I also feel guilty and I think I deserve injury. However, I fought that thought with, “Maybe you do, but would Grandma want you to hurt yourself? Would that make her happier?”
I did restrict, but I think I would’ve restricted anyway. I did catch myself scratching, but I caught it and stopped before I broke the skin. I’m amazed by myself.
This is the workbook:
It didn’t take long for me to start procrastinating. I hope I’m only lazy because I slept fitfully last night. I need to manage my time! I can’t fall behind and get overwhelmed yet!! If I fall apart this early, I’ll never make it.
Work was okay. I wanted to cut a few times because my boss experimented with John’s plan. I think they aren’t giving the new yelling area a fair try. They’re continuing to move backwards. I didn’t eat lunch. I am weak. My mom is out tonight and I ate 4 cookies. Before eating stupid chocolate chip cookies, I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. I am a failure.
Last night I wanted to cut on my way home and with horror, I realized I wanted to cut because I was anxious about sitting down for a meal with my mom. I hadn’t eaten a proper meal with anyone for a week and a half.
Edit: I ended up working and it is a good thing because some of it was due today! I figured it was due before the class meeting. It is also good I ate those stupid cookies because it will make eating with the group easier.
This made me laugh!