I’m trying my hand at online dating again. I haven’t met anyone IRL yet, but I’m nervous because any relationship threatens my eating disorder. I’m reminding myself my eating disorder will ensure I am lonely. I can try to build a life and if it doesn’t work out I can always go back to starving myself better than everyone around me in order to boost my self-esteem.
I’m posting this poignant slam poem here because I’m trying to avoid posting this on my FB wall to express this to everyone in my life who knows about ED, but thinks it is all over…again.
Cory always quotes a phrase I told him around this time last year, “progress, not perfection”
I still struggle with a crushing amount of shame, but I’m working on accepting this truth.
I’m leaving for a week long family vacation. It’ll be fun, but stressful because of the ED. I’m officially no longer weight restored (I weigh less than the weight I had to gain to during inpatient treatment at 17 years old), but I doubt that will last through the week because we have huge meals and candy and snacks everywhere.
See you in a week!