Alone in the House with Anxiety

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My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.

I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.

 

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Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Grandparents and Guardianship

The best part of my day was working 1:1 with the kids. It sucked otherwise.

My grandma is in the hospital for heart problems.

My mom is worried about me and threatened to take me to court to get guardianship. For now, that is an empty threat because I’m not sick enough. She basically called me weak and mentioned that my uncle agreed with her that I am selfish. They’re right, but nonetheless it hurts.

My boss said I officially start my new job on the 28th. I still think I don’t want it. I don’t want to teach, I don’t want the extra responsibility, and I don’t want to be stuck with the same 3 kids forever.

Heather asked Ginny to hang out this weekend, in front of me. I left the room.

My dad is home, which means my parents are arguing.

Promotion Pros & Cons

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Despite the above quote and the desire to be brave, this doesn’t look good! There are twice as many cons as pros.

Pros:

  1. $4,000 raise
  2. Practice managing people
  3. Practice teaching
  4. Practice giving people feedback about their behavior plan implementation
  5. My opinions might be listened to more/ have more weight/ be better respected
  6. I can ensure the behavior plans for the kids in my class are implemented with as much fidelity as possible and reasonable
  7. I won’t feel inferior to Ashley anymore
  8. It looks good on my resume

 

Cons:

  1. Stress because of increased responsibilities like lesson planning
  2. I might not be as good at teaching as Ashley. More than that, I might be bad at it! Therefore, I’ll look inept and stupid. Even worse, everyone will realize I’m unintelligent, inferior, and simply not good at my current job.
  3. I’ll never believe I deserve it because my boss refused to do interviews because of me. She wanted to hire me in June, but everyone else thought Ashley was better after her interview. As a result, she didn’t conduct interviews and just gave me the job.
  4. Lesson planning will take time. Knowing me, it will take lots of time (Ex. I planned lessons on Thanksgiving last year while I was a temporary classroom supervisor)
  5. I’ll feel responsible if the paraprofessionals in my room mess up implementation of plans or forget to fill out IEP data.
  6. I’ll have to wake up earlier
  7. Lesson planning is really hard when you have no idea what you’re doing! Incorporating state standards, etc. seems overwhelming.
  8. Plus, I’ll feel the need to make it interesting. I might take it personally (meaning, I did not do a good enough job making it fun and interesting) when kids have behaviors during my class.
  9. The way the kids’ academics are structured by “grade level” will mean I’m never satisfied with how hard it is for the kids (either too hard or not hard enough).
  10. A $4,000 raise isn’t that much of a pro because I’m a pathetic human being and don’t actually pay for most things (Ex. Rent)
  11. Parent-Teacher conferences
  12. I’ll be stuck with the same 3 or 4 kids forever, or at least, for many, many months, since we seem to switch up groups twice a year. I suppose I’m with the same 4 kids now, but I like working with those 4 kids the best! I’ll be stuck with kids I find boring.
  13. I know I’m good at my job. I’m secure in my worth compared to other people with my job. I might be the worst classroom supervisor!
  14. I won’t be able to be second on a kid to gain indirect experience hours
  15. I’ll have to teach topics I don’t really know much about. I don’t actually want to teach these subjects. I enjoy teaching reading and math, but that is it. I’m mad at myself for agreeing to let Ashley teach Math and I’d teach Science and History.
  16. I’ll be judged by higher standards as an employee and I might not meet those standards, which has a negative effect on my employment
  17. My boss won’t think well of me if I try this and crash and burn and have to ask to step-down. She might refuse to write a later letter of recommendation