Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

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Decisions about Water Fasts

Successfully fasting at the moment, but I’m doubting my decisions.

First of all, I anticipate feeling upset tomorrow afternoon once I meet with Ginny. I remember not wanting to go to work the day after I got in trouble at work. Therefore, I’m afraid I’ll feel the same way about returning to work after Wednesday. Taking 4 days off prolongs and increases that anxiety. I don’t want to make going to work after our meeting more difficult.

Second, I know my mom will be furious and scared. I don’t want to either anger or scare her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I lose 7 pounds in 7 days, I will hurt her.

I could take only 2 days off. I want to take at least 2 days off because I’m stressed out. Perhaps I could take Friday and Monday off. I like that idea because it will make both this week and next week seem shorter. Plus, I won’t ditch work the day after I meet with Ginny. However, I won’t be able to beat a fasting record if I do that.

Also, one of the kids is transitioning soon and his last day might be any day from Thursday to Tuesday. I have no clue.

If I stay home Thursday and Friday, I can reach 6 days of water fasting before work on Monday. That beats my old record of 5 days. However, I’ll be ONE DAY short of a week long water fast. That seems like a waste.

I’m not sure why a week matters, but it sounds so much nicer than 6 days. If I want to make a week, I’d need to continue fasting, which means I’d either take Monday off or go to work having not eaten in 6 days. The latter seems like a horrible idea.

I feel like I need some behaviors! I wanted to cut all day today. I think I did a better job hiding my emotions, but feelings hurt. Technically, I did self-injure, but it was just scratching and only drew a little bit of blood.

My choices are take Thursday through Tuesday off, take Friday through Monday off, take no time off, or take Monday and Tuesday off. What should I do?

A Bulimic Halloween

Fringe_looking nervous eating

I can’t win!

Yesterday I heard: You didn’t eat dinner. COME HERE AND EAT. Did you even eat lunch with Ginny? You know you still have to gain weight, right? Here! You need snack, eat 3 cookies!

Today it is: STOP EATING ALL THE CANDY. How many pieces did you eat already??

Must. Not. Message. Must. Not. Message. Gah, my dog is self-injuring! She keeps licking her elbow raw. 😦

 

Car Accident and NO Behaviors

happiness is not the absence if problems it is the ability to deal with them.png

I had an accident in my grandma’s car. I still feel awful about it!! However, I did NOT cut or binge or purge. Last night I started reading a DBT workbook I bought. It was well timed. The first skill is radical acceptance, where you admit that you can’t change the past and the future is not now (Therefore, don’t fixate on it.). I kept repeating that hurting myself wouldn’t fix the problem. I also feel guilty and I think I deserve injury. However, I fought that thought with, “Maybe you do, but would Grandma want you to hurt yourself? Would that make her happier?”

I did restrict, but I think I would’ve restricted anyway. I did catch myself scratching, but I caught it and stopped before I broke the skin. I’m amazed by myself.

This is the workbook:

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More Alone Time

My dad is leaving tomorrow morning. My mom won’t be happy!

I realized I’m making this too complicated. Death from Bulimia or Anorexia is much more socially acceptable. People won’t feel the same anger and guilt. All I have to do is either not eat and drink for 3 days or simply stop fighting my eating disorder urges.

*sigh* When he first told me he was leaving tomorrow morning I felt happy because it meant I’d have more time to do whatever disordered things I feel like doing. Now I feel sad because it just became more difficult to take care of myself. I suppose I still have my own dogs to take care of at home.

i-can

On the bright side, I could only initially label my feeling as, “wanting to cut”, but as I typed, I realized I feel sad.

Plus, there is a day of reckoning on Wednesday for my co-workers and I’m excited for things to be set straight. Ex. Don’t let kids bite other kids, don’t talk about inappropriate things in front of the student. As a result, I have to stick around for that!

Bad Choices

I skipped work. I’ve never done that before. 😥

I’m too lazy to get dressed or leave the house. Therefore, I don’t have much to binge on. That said I am currently devouring a pint of ice cream.

What I really want to do is overdose on laxatives. I don’t want to use them to purge or die; I want punish myself. It seems fitting since I said I was sick all morning. Stimulant laxatives hurt. I have a box sitting in front of me. So far, I haven’t taken any.

It is funny certain numbers jump in my head like 5 times the dose because 5 is a multiple of 5 or 6 times the dose because it is one more than 5 or 10 or 11 times the dose or the same reasons.

 

Edited to Add: It is like a sign. The first blister pack in the box has 12 pills in it because some were missing. That is exactly 6 times the dose.

Edited again: It is now 1:48 pm (about 2 hours later). I still haven’t taken them, even though they’re still sitting next to me. It is kind of nice to have this record of all the urges I haven’t acted on. Usually, I only remember the failures.

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