One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

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Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

Decisions about Water Fasts

Successfully fasting at the moment, but I’m doubting my decisions.

First of all, I anticipate feeling upset tomorrow afternoon once I meet with Ginny. I remember not wanting to go to work the day after I got in trouble at work. Therefore, I’m afraid I’ll feel the same way about returning to work after Wednesday. Taking 4 days off prolongs and increases that anxiety. I don’t want to make going to work after our meeting more difficult.

Second, I know my mom will be furious and scared. I don’t want to either anger or scare her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I lose 7 pounds in 7 days, I will hurt her.

I could take only 2 days off. I want to take at least 2 days off because I’m stressed out. Perhaps I could take Friday and Monday off. I like that idea because it will make both this week and next week seem shorter. Plus, I won’t ditch work the day after I meet with Ginny. However, I won’t be able to beat a fasting record if I do that.

Also, one of the kids is transitioning soon and his last day might be any day from Thursday to Tuesday. I have no clue.

If I stay home Thursday and Friday, I can reach 6 days of water fasting before work on Monday. That beats my old record of 5 days. However, I’ll be ONE DAY short of a week long water fast. That seems like a waste.

I’m not sure why a week matters, but it sounds so much nicer than 6 days. If I want to make a week, I’d need to continue fasting, which means I’d either take Monday off or go to work having not eaten in 6 days. The latter seems like a horrible idea.

I feel like I need some behaviors! I wanted to cut all day today. I think I did a better job hiding my emotions, but feelings hurt. Technically, I did self-injure, but it was just scratching and only drew a little bit of blood.

My choices are take Thursday through Tuesday off, take Friday through Monday off, take no time off, or take Monday and Tuesday off. What should I do?

A Bulimic Halloween

Fringe_looking nervous eating

I can’t win!

Yesterday I heard: You didn’t eat dinner. COME HERE AND EAT. Did you even eat lunch with Ginny? You know you still have to gain weight, right? Here! You need snack, eat 3 cookies!

Today it is: STOP EATING ALL THE CANDY. How many pieces did you eat already??

Must. Not. Message. Must. Not. Message. Gah, my dog is self-injuring! She keeps licking her elbow raw. 😦

 

Car Accident and NO Behaviors

happiness is not the absence if problems it is the ability to deal with them.png

I had an accident in my grandma’s car. I still feel awful about it!! However, I did NOT cut or binge or purge. Last night I started reading a DBT workbook I bought. It was well timed. The first skill is radical acceptance, where you admit that you can’t change the past and the future is not now (Therefore, don’t fixate on it.). I kept repeating that hurting myself wouldn’t fix the problem. I also feel guilty and I think I deserve injury. However, I fought that thought with, “Maybe you do, but would Grandma want you to hurt yourself? Would that make her happier?”

I did restrict, but I think I would’ve restricted anyway. I did catch myself scratching, but I caught it and stopped before I broke the skin. I’m amazed by myself.

This is the workbook:

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More Alone Time

My dad is leaving tomorrow morning. My mom won’t be happy!

I realized I’m making this too complicated. Death from Bulimia or Anorexia is much more socially acceptable. People won’t feel the same anger and guilt. All I have to do is either not eat and drink for 3 days or simply stop fighting my eating disorder urges.

*sigh* When he first told me he was leaving tomorrow morning I felt happy because it meant I’d have more time to do whatever disordered things I feel like doing. Now I feel sad because it just became more difficult to take care of myself. I suppose I still have my own dogs to take care of at home.

i-can

On the bright side, I could only initially label my feeling as, “wanting to cut”, but as I typed, I realized I feel sad.

Plus, there is a day of reckoning on Wednesday for my co-workers and I’m excited for things to be set straight. Ex. Don’t let kids bite other kids, don’t talk about inappropriate things in front of the student. As a result, I have to stick around for that!

Bad Choices

I skipped work. I’ve never done that before. 😥

I’m too lazy to get dressed or leave the house. Therefore, I don’t have much to binge on. That said I am currently devouring a pint of ice cream.

What I really want to do is overdose on laxatives. I don’t want to use them to purge or die; I want punish myself. It seems fitting since I said I was sick all morning. Stimulant laxatives hurt. I have a box sitting in front of me. So far, I haven’t taken any.

It is funny certain numbers jump in my head like 5 times the dose because 5 is a multiple of 5 or 6 times the dose because it is one more than 5 or 10 or 11 times the dose or the same reasons.

 

Edited to Add: It is like a sign. The first blister pack in the box has 12 pills in it because some were missing. That is exactly 6 times the dose.

Edited again: It is now 1:48 pm (about 2 hours later). I still haven’t taken them, even though they’re still sitting next to me. It is kind of nice to have this record of all the urges I haven’t acted on. Usually, I only remember the failures.

you are not a failure until you stop trying.jpg