Bulimia Fail – New Low

I purged while driving; I was at a stop light. However, I got puke on both legs and my shirt! I get to work earlier than almost anyone else, as a result I had a chance to try to clean up. I couldn’t wash it enough to take the smell out, so I had to go home for being “sick” 1f622.png

I’m an idiot and epic failure.

You know what is worse? When I got home I slept for 6 hours even though I need to take a test and study for my final and then I ate two protein bars. I could’ve at least used the time to study and I justified the proteins bars by saying to myself that I needed them to study…and then I decided to sleep. Wtf?!

New Year, New Stress

There are many good moments in every day, but overall I’m struggling.

For example, yesterday:

Sean gave me a Sweet Tart.  We were chatting in the staff kitchen b/c he completed everything! He said, “look what I have!” *looks* “I have those chewy sweet tarts”

Me: “Oh! I love those”

Sean: *smirks*

When we get back to class, he quietly put one on my desk and then flopped on the bean bag. He also stayed awake all day yesterday and completed 6 out of 7 works. Usually he sleeps at least half of the school day.

Jacob is having a tough time because we’re being tougher on him and he moved in with his dad. No one remembered to tell me! That angers me! Seriously?! No one thought to inform me that an emotionally dysregulated 12 year old student in my classroom had a major life change?! However, he got out of an episode of major property destruction in only a half hour, instead of an hour and a half. Plus, there is no hole in my wall!

On that note, I was pissed the principal let him kick a hole in my wall and did not go in to restrain him for over an hour because there was no aggression. However, that is solved now. Ginny talked to the principal and we changed Jacob’s behavior plan.

 

My boss IS leaving at the end of the month. 😥 This freaks me out. I’ve never had a boss I like leave! Not only is she a friend, but also I know she thinks I am good at my job. A new boss throws a lot into chaos. Will he or she like me? With they think I’m good at my job or inept? What will happen with Wednesday lunches? My current boss comes with us. Certainly, Ginny would want to invite the new person o join us so they weren’t alone. However, they might feel awkward with me there since I am an employee. What if they don’t listen to Ginny regarding behavior plans? What if they want me to teach all day, every day and still don’t give me lesson plans?

I wrote the American Chemical Society a long Thank You note because they have a free Chemistry curriculum online! Most complete curriculums require money. I don’t have a budget.

 

Additionally, I’ve used eating disorder behaviors in the past 3 days. I purged twice, binged, and restricted. My mom encouraged me to join Match and EHarmony. I finally joined them. However, now she is bugging me every day, multiple times a day about whether I messaged men she found that she thinks I’d like or whether I found men I think I’d like. It is SO ANNOYING! I know she means well, but it makes me mad.

Deleting “Friends”

I just deleted over 100 Facebook friends. It started with girls from inpatient treatment. Some of them are getting married and having kids. I’m happy for them, but seeing their happiness also makes me feel alone, inadequate, and jealous. They were just as sick as I was once. Why are they happy, successful, and in love? Then I started deleting people from high school who I haven’t talked to in 7 years and from there, it spread.

Except now I feel more lonely. WTF? This reaction makes no sense! I’m annoyed at myself.  I wish I was either so sick I was in the hospital or well enough to be happy. This half in – half out existence sucks. I’m not good enough to be inpatient or good enough to be normal.

Day 1

My day was a mixed bag. I talked myself into teaching reading too. Oops! Other staff were very helpful. I’ve noticed some behavioral issues and academic problems. Somehow they stopped Writing in the afternoon. I told them after Recess that we were going to start Writing again. It did not go well. I anticipated behaviors over it and no one did anything wrong. So, I’m not entirely sure why I want to cut or binge/purge and I’m not sure of the identity of my current emotion. I suppose in hindsight I see things I could’ve done differently. Those differences may or may not have altered the outcome of the situation. For example, telling Ginny to come back to the room or reminding the kids that they didn’t have to work. They can say no thanks. We won’t force them to work, but that means they won’t earn their work check. My coworker said some of that, but I didn’t know because I was out of the room when he said it and I didn’t want to step on his toes or inflame the situation. Maybe I’m reproaching myself for those slight errors? It could’ve been worse and it could’ve been better.

I’m frustrated with myself for agreeing to do more work! Damn people pleasing and genuine annoyance at the lack of academic rigor. If my boss wants changes to Reading, she should ask the classroom supervisor in charge of Reading to change things. Although, I’d much rather teach Reading to everyone, than Science, History, and Writing. Granted, my boss said, “That won’t be any extra work, right? All you have to do is get library books and model elements of a story, etc.” I nodded in response. I failed.

 

Edit: I’m alternating between looking up how to teach paragraph structure to 7th graders, sleeping, researching state standards for 4th grade History, and binging. I haven’t purged or studied so far. I need to do both. I got my lowest grade so far on a test. 90. 😦 *sigh* I don’t think I can teach. I can read out of a book like Ashley does for History, but I don’t think I can let it go at that. Also, I don’t actually know how to teach someone to write an essay. On the bright side, I haven’t cut or whined to Ginny, or anyone else…yet.

Edit 2: Maybe I should go over the expectations (which aren’t actually different, but co-workers rarely followed through) in the morning. You earn break by earning all 3 checks. You’re responsible for earning checks. To earn your Do You Work check…

Edit 3: Since I talked myself into teaching Reading, maybe we could switch Reading and Writing. As of now, Writing is at the end of the day. There is no incentive to work because after class is over, they have one break and then they go home. We could also make Writing follow through to the next day if you have a behavior (other than sitting quietly and safely, but refusing to work). We could also change the contingency. If you complete your writing assignment and earn all your checks, you get a token, if you earn 5 tokens, you can exchange them for a 5 minute break card, which you can use at any point during the next week (if you’ve had a safe body that day, if you’re unsafe you can’t use your extra break card that day). Or If you complete your Writing, respectfully review it with staff and make any needed changes, you can go on break early.

Changes are Coming

My day was exciting and anxiety provoking.

I worked with David all day. A new student came to tour with his mom. David was best friends with the new student at their old school. They gave each other a huge hug when they saw one another! The new kid is a cute 9 year old. He also murdered the class pet in front of everyone else.

The dynamics are about to be switched up majorly! All the boys in Ashley’s room helped give the new student a tour. Predictably, they all wanted to be the tour leader. John screamed and cried. Cory brooded. David was adorable showing his friend the ropes! The new kid ran in the hallway and before I could say anything, David says, “You have to walk in the hallway.” Later they went outside for one of David’s breaks, his friend turns to leave the room and David says, “Wait! You have to wait for staff!” So, at least for today, David was a positive influence on the new student. His actions gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

There are already issues. Like I said, Cory and John were jealous and the new student already seems to dislike them. He asked David which kids he didn’t like so that he could dislike the same kids. I envision them teaming up on other students and the new kid being the ring-leader. He was kind helping David in math class. The new kid is on grade level and David is not.

I start my new job on Monday. I don’t know if I can handle not working with these 3. Clearly, I have favorites.

Cory seems to be cycling again. He is head banging and getting a flat affect when he is upset. I’m worried the 3rd classroom supervisor won’t be able to react neutrally towards him. He loves manipulating emotions. Actually, it was funny! A few weeks ago, I worked with him and Heather was also working with him. She took something away. I don’t remember what or why, but he was unhappy. He started rambling, “I have feelings to you know! Every one has feelings.” *hits Heather* “See? You have feelings too Heather. I can tell on your face.” Note: He did not hit me. I am a boss at hiding my emotions and he has given up trying to goad me. He knows I can outlast him. I’m going to miss him whether or not he cycles. When he does well he is sweet and smart. When he struggles, he is like a puzzle because he isn’t motivated by anything other than pissing other people off.

David asked me to make him Giant Man. I did. He carried it around with him all day. ❤ He had two episodes in the morning, both after seeing his old friend. That bodes ill! However, he pulled it together and made it to the Talent Show. It went well. He was upset his parents couldn’t come, but his old teacher and principal showed up! We couldn’t tell him, in case they didn’t make it, but he was so excited when he saw them! We ran (err, speed walked 😉 ) around the building, showing them everything. Oddly, he wanted to show them the Quiet Room, even though he’d been there earlier in the morning. His teacher asked what we have at his new school that they should use at his home school district. He said, “We have fun.” She brought him a rose! He was too shy to do his act, but he did part of it and he got up on stage.

Gage had aggression during his act, but he was okay. It was mainly excitement. It still isn’t nice to hit adults though. I AM excited to work with him more often. He continues to regress. Also, I can challenge him academically! When I filled in for the 3rd classroom supervisor when she was on maternity leave last year, I had him doing multiplication and division. Months before they had him identifying more vs. less.

I’m going to have Gage, Jacob, and Sean in my classroom. That will be… interesting… because Barb hasn’t been making them do any work for the last half hour of the day and she is easier than I am on inappropriate language. However, my boss keeps reminding me, I’ll be good for Sean because he needs that and his school district wants him back in January. In order for that to go well, he needs to use appropriate language because we ignore a lot here, but he will get in trouble at his old school or another kid will hurt him. He won’t be used to getting in trouble, he’ll have behaviors, and he’ll wind up  back here.

I have to teach History and Science. I’m worried about lesson planning. I’m worried about meeting state standards and keeping their interest and teaching well. *sigh* I’m more anxious, than happy.

Also my favorite holiday is coming up, the day everyone binges, aka Thanksgiving.

I’ve wanted to purge for the past 4 hours. I ate 2 cookies after the Talent Show. I slept for an hour and a half and that helped, but I still want to purge. Thanksgiving will be great.

My mom weighed me this morning. I was “up” a pound (I was dressed in heavy clothes) and she says, “Yay! Now that is approaching perfection. Gee…Thanks, Mom.

On a positive note, my grandma is out of the hospital and appears fine!

Dreaded Potluck

carbs-are-not-the-enemy

First of all, I worked with John and he was sweet. Additionally, he sat for about 30 minutes, after refusing work, without screaming!

The potluck was awful, but better than I expected. Most of the food genuinely looked unappetizing, which was stressful. I picked three things to try. I didn’t like 2 of the 3 things. I got seconds of that one though! I thought I did a good job of spreading my food out to look like a normal amount, but I failed. Heather made a big deal out of my food. I think she knows and judges me because she looked at me oddly. I was mad and on edge; I almost bolted, but I realized that would be worse. I felt miserable a lot of the meal, but eventually Iris sat with us and that helped a lot because she is funny and her loud personality makes staying out of my head easier. I sat through the whole meal even though it was tough.

I HATE Thanksgiving. It is more socially acceptable to talk about the evils of bad food. People’s conversations made it harder. They talked about wearing dresses or stretchy pants to Thanksgiving meals because they couldn’t button their pants after eating so much. They also talked about carbs’ badness. They discussed weight. Hell, the FOOD was labeled by diet, “paleo” this and “vegan” that…A few times I got a lump in my throat, but I didn’t cry in front of anyone! I was imagining that in my head. I did a good job controlling my facial expressions and overt expressions of emotion. I don’t think anyone noticed anything was wrong!

Once I finished eating, I felt sick. I wanted to purge; I was physically uncomfortable. I held out for a while, helping clean a little bit. Then I gave up. However, someone else walked into the bathroom on my way over. I went to the other bathroom and someone was in there too. So, I went to Ashley’s room. I started head banging because I was upset about the whole event, but I couldn’t do it hard enough to help without making too much noise. Therefore, I stopped. I sat in the room, with the lights off, and felt like crying. Only a tear escaped though. So, that wasn’t bad. About a half hour later, I felt together enough to face people again. My timing was perfect  because people started playing stupid team building games and so no one noticed that I was missing!

It was difficult and painful, but I am proud of myself.

Plus, I’m doing a wonderful job bugging Ginny less and letting her talk to me if she wants to, instead of bombarding her with messages. That means we aren’t talking much at the moment; despite feeling unwanted, I’m still staying safe.