Running instead of Cutting

 

dear-brain-please-shut-up

I tried running to cope when I wanted to cut earlier. I don’t even remember the trigger anymore. It sort of worked. At first it helped, but once I started breathing normally again, my SIB urges returned. So, I tried running again. This time I ran until I literally could not keep pace anymore. The second time, my SIB urges did not return. However, predictably, I was tired!

Along with eradicating unpleasant emotions and pushing distressing thoughts away, cutting helps me focus. It makes me more alert and concentration is easier. Running did the opposite. I was too tired to focus on the video lecture!

I liked the thought of running because it serves many purposes (self-punishment, emotional regulation, pushing thoughts away, measurable progress). If you use running or exercise to cope, do you always feel tired after or do you get used to it? If you always feel tired, how do you wake yourself up? Or do you have alternate coping skills that serve all these purposes?

So, the search for a replacement behavior continues.

The next class for my course was this evening. It went well, but my stupid internet kicked me offline THREE times! That was hugely triggering and I couldn’t just leave and cut or run because you have to answer questions. Next time I’m going to Starbucks.

 

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Be Yourself is Stupid Advice

I wish minor things like my boss posting about her new daily runs and people congratulating her on each post didn’t bother me, but it does. It is just another reason to feel inadequate.

What kind of advice is be yourself when myself is a freak_Claudia_ Warehouse 13

I avoided unfollowing her on Facebook because I am interested in the other things she posts and if I stop commenting or *liking* her posts, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care. However, I finally gave in and unfollowed her. I couldn’t handle it when Ginny commented too, saying they should do the same running program. It was a daily reminder of how I’m not good enough because I don’t exercise, I’m fat, and I never get that number of comments or *likes* on my posts. That means people don’t care as much about me. I’m seriously considering making a status about my weight loss. *Please, please, please let this post be enough to stop that urge*

Why would I want to be myself when no one likes me?

 

Running

As I mentioned before, my boss is trying to lose weight. She started running this week. She posts daily about her runs on Facebook. Yesterday was 1 mile. Today was 2.5 miles. People are congratulating her. I feel fat because I don’t exercise. I also feel jealous. I wonder what would happen if I posted about my weight loss on Facebook? I just ate some ice cream (420 calories worth) and I’m full. That is a big purging trigger for me. I was going to distract myself on Facebook, but now I’m thinking, “Screw it, I’ll make them talk about me.” Off to get dressed so I can vote. May or may not purge. *sigh*

Oddly, Ginny runs marathons and that doesn’t bother me. It might be because she has run the entire time I’ve known her or because she runs for fun, coping, and exercise, NOT weight loss.

I GUESS I could start running too, but it reminds of how out of shape I am. I realize the only way to get in shape is to exercise,  but in the meantime, it makes me feel worse about myself. Also, I hate people seeing me exercise.