Thank God it is Friday!
It has been a hell of a long week!
Today I was with John. We started a new thing where we call one Quiet Room the “Calm Down Room” and go there when he screams. The other Quiet Room is still a Quiet Room. We talked about it and so far it seems to work! He walked there every time, whereas he stopped walking to his other screaming area. Also, he screamed less overall.
I had some self-injury, restricting, and purging urges, but I struggled through all of them and won. No one bothered me too much today. Danielle asked if I wanted to join her and my boss on a trip to the gas station for lunch. I felt wanted.
Because I felt wanted, I ate. I guess feeling wanted made me feel like I deserved to eat? Nothing at work made me want to SI. I was anxious on my way to work because I’m worried the co-worker who backed me up about Music is mad at me. She still seemed fine though. So, I’m not sure why I’m worrying this much when she seemed fine yesterday too. Anyway, this is a nice change of pace. It is more like it used to be where work is a distraction from urges.
I got in trouble at work today and when my boss sat me down to talk, I cried (after ~ 10 minutes). As soon as they asked if I needed a minute, I ran out and self-injured badly, considering I had no blade on me. I pulled over while driving to cut properly. I am so screwed with my mom. There is no way I can hide them. I can blame titrating off the medication, but she’ll be really upset and worried.
Today when a kid was having behaviors, I filled out their data sheet. I thought I was being helpful, but it upset someone. Yesterday Ginny told me not to make people feel watched regarding following behavior plans or filling out data. She said that last week too. Therefore, I haven’t said stuff to people when they’re doing things wrong or said anything to Ginny or my boss. In my mind, this was different. I didn’t think my co-worker was doing anything wrong. I wasn’t looking at the data sheet to see whether or not she’d done her job and filled data out. I assumed she hadn’t because she didn’t have time. As a result, I wasn’t checking up on her. So, it felt like a different situation to me. When a student is in crisis, you don’t have time to fill out data. I meant to be helpful. I didn’t mean to offend or hurt her. Considering I’m tearing up typing this, I might be upset because I hurt someone else. That makes sense, but I know my reaction is disproportionate to the situation.
Also, I hate doing something wrong. However, I’ve been wrong in the past and it didn’t bother me this much. Then again, I wasn’t this wrong. That is, wrong enough for my boss to sit down and have a formal conversation about it. “Conversations” go in your permanent file. I hate her thinking less of me, like I’m a jerk, or bad at my job, or uncaring, or rude. *completely crying now*
Furthermore, I don’t want to engender ill will. I don’t want to make my co-workers mad at me or make them dislike me. Yet, there were other times when I accidently angered someone. I did self-injure, but not this badly and not this impulsively. My boss said we have a really good group of people who work together well right now (true!) and she doesn’t want to endanger that. In other words, I ruined that! I caused a rift in the team.
I’m sure they’re all talking about me…How annoying I am.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to scar and I don’t even feel that much better!! It kept me from suicide, but that was it. I was on the brink. I almost pulled off a second time because my thoughts were too close to becoming actions. “You deserve to die! You’re awful at your job. No one likes you. You shouldn’t exist. That car is awfully close, if you slammed on your breaks, you might die. Or you might just get hurt. But that isn’t good enough for you. Look, the bridge, speed up and swerve into the concrete. That way no one else will get hurt! Yeah, you’re selfish, thinking of causing another person to have an accident. Mom wouldn’t miss you. She has (brother). It is raining, no one would have to know it was suicide. The rain creates plausible deniability, unlike the overdose you considered a few miles back.” I took my seatbelt off and went out of my lane. But I slowed down and got back in my lane. I almost pulled over at that point because I was endangering others. I took some deep breaths and turned up my music. I arrived home safely.
So, there are a few possibilities for why I cried:
- I upset someone else
- I did something wrong, majorly wrong, something I should’ve known better
- My boss is mad
- My boss thinks I’m ruining moral
- My co-workers hate me
- They’re talking about said hate
- Ginny and my boss don’t want to be my friends anymore
I didn’t write about the last one. But not being invited to lunch last week, along with Ginny saying, “If we’re going to do this, you can’t…” Do this? What is THIS?! I think this is being friends. So, I doubt I’ll eat tomorrow. Additionally, I doubt I’ll eat with them. I’m not mad at them or hurt by anything they said during the Conversation. I’m pretty sure I’m not wanted. I don’t want to make things awkward for them or awkward for my co-workers. Therefore, I’ll eat with no one. Plus, I don’t deserve to eat. Just like I deserved to bleed.
I’m also FURIOUS at myself for crying in front of my boss AGAIN (the last time was when I didn’t get a promotion). I’m furious because I know I showed my dysregulation and I hate showing weakness. She doesn’t need another reason to think poorly of me. She doesn’t know how fucking unstable I am and I don’t want her to know. If I hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have SId so badly. I was so mad at myself for crying.
Fuck. I fail.
I told Ginny (she is my friend, but also the behaviorist) that I realized I get anxious about data because I want the data to be correct, not because I always need to be right. Then I screwed up and fixated on her reply. She said maybe the data sheets needed simplification.
I took that to mean they needed simplification because I’m an idiot. I started rambling. Damn it. I don’t know how to reality test appropriately. On one hand, clarifying what she means is a good thing. Right? That way I don’t misinterpret. On the other hand, I don’t know how to do that without going off on an insecurity tangent. Right now I’m stuck with either not clarifying her meaning and feeling worse about myself or asking what she means and sounding irrational.
Yeah, I’d be sick and tired of me too.
She reacted fine, externally, at least. I’m just mad at myself. I should’ve come here first and journaled to help me think of a more sane way of addressing my fears.
Edited to Add: Ugh. I did annoy her. She asked not to talk about work when we’re not at work… which is most of what we talk about. I give up. Now I want to self-injure.
But why? Am I mad at myself for annoying her? Am I mad at myself for being annoying to people in general? Am I worried she’ll totally give up on our friendship because I’ve been such a bother lately? Do I feel like I’ll never make and maintain friends because I’m too exhausting? Perhaps all these things because this is what I thought of off the top of my head.
I’m trying to suss out my underlying thought or feeling because objectively I know this is irrational. If I can identify the underlying thoughts that lead to the emotional dysregulation, I can fix the emotional dysregulation.