Don’t Know HOW to Talk

WHAT IS NORMAL CONVERSATION?!? Is ANY of the following socially acceptable? The red text is my own additional thoughts. I wouldn’t send anything in red.

This is what I want to send to Ginny:

Barb made me laugh this afternoon. I don’t want her to leave.

 
Is Wednesday lunch still a thing? Are still we friends? Where we ever friends? Or am I just a pitiable bur on your skin? Would you care if I was no longer in your life? Most of the people we see daily won’t be a fixture in our life 10 years from now. Am I a passing ornament or do you like me as a human being? Would something be missing from your life if I was not in it. Or am I not supposed to ask stuff like that? I’m probably not supposed to ask things like that. I am confused. I’d greatly appreciate it if you’d bear with me through the ensuing awkwardness. But if you don’t want to, can you tell me so I stop trying?
Elizabeth (my boss) and Danielle (the new BCBA) are mad at me (because I talked about disapproving of Danielle’s behavior plan for John to other people). I don’t know how to address it. I’m planning on going with: pretend things are normal, until they feel normal again. I’m worried I hurt Danielle, but I don’t want to make things worse by talking. I have a tendency to do that.
 
I don’t even really want the job (Barb is FINALLY leaving. My boss is just giving me her position, bur I have less than 3 weeks notice and I don’t even know what my boss wants me to teach! Actually, now I know she wants me to teach Science and History. That takes a lot of planning.). It scares me too much. I don’t think I will be good at it and I don’t want the extra work. I thought I should take it so I can be one rung less separated from the people I eat lunch with. I am the only BA in the conference room now. I know others take it badly that I eat lunch on Wednesdays with you, Elizabeth (my boss), Danielle (the new BCBA), Iris (the O.T. therapist), and Claire (the BCaBA).

Bulimia, Buffets, and Social Skills

I think Ginny is distancing herself from me again. I’m not entirely sure why, other than I’m inherently annoying. Last time, I knew it was because my decision to fast during the winery weekend drove a wedge between us. She didn’t go to lunch. I’m considering asking if she is avoiding me again. On one hand, I don’t like showing my paranoia. On the other hand, she said she doesn’t like having to read between the lines. She appreciated overt communication.

Anyway, back to lunch… I didn’t see the O.T. therapist or the new BCBA. I saw the BCaBA duck out before all the kids left for the day. Therefore, I assumed she wanted to be alone. Both Ashley and Heather asked me to go to the Chinese buffet with them. However, the group they accompanied was larger than my regular lunch group. I stopped going with my regular group because it was too large. Therefore, joining the other, larger, group defeats the purpose. Plus, I didn’t want to go to a buffet. I’m doing really well with binging and purging. Bulimia and buffets don’t mix well.

Since neither Ginny, nor my boss were at the meeting, we did online learning modules. One was on Autism Spectrum Disorders and Social Skills. A lot of it applied to me! I wish I’d had social skills classes as a kid. I received special education services because of my nonverbal learning disability and fine motor issues.

I’m house sitting until the 26th. That means if I called off work for Friday, no one would expect to see me until Monday. *evil thoughts* I’ll be relatively safe though because the people I’m house sitting for have 2 dogs and if I die, they’ll die.

It also means I have no one who expects me to eat until the 26th and I didn’t eat lunch today because I didn’t need energy for the kids since they have a half day on Wednesdays.

 

Doublethink

How is it possible that I am simultaneously worried I irreparably damaged my friendship with Ginny (again) because I scared her AND I am convinced I should stop talking socially to anyone at work because friendship is too difficult?

man this socializing this is brutal_Angel.gif

I am struggling, arguing with myself over bringing a razor blade to work. I’d leave it in my car so I don’t endanger anyone.

“You don’t deserve friends. You deserve to be in pain.”

“Ok. It maybe true that I don’t deserve friends, but even if it is true, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be hurt. I don’t need to bring a razor blade. What would be the adaptive thing to do? I could jus stop talking to everyone like I said last night and not go to lunch. That is a better way to deal with this than cutting. I’m bringing The Way of Kings. That should keep me busy. I don’t need to cut.”

“You’re a bad friend. I really bad friend. I hate you!”

“But I can fix being a bad friend by not talking to anyone! Then I don’t need to cut.”

“But the razor blade is comforting. You should bring it just in case you do something wrong.”

“Or I could use coping skills like I tell kids to do every day and get over it.”

Fyi, I do think to myself in  3rd person :p *sigh* Idk what I’ll do. So far, it is stuck between the pages of Brandon Sanderson’s epic book.