Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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I’m Failing Them All

My boss always pushes hands on activities, but the only reason we have the kids in groups is so they can handle a group educational setting after transition. Therefore, maybe it is okay to lecture.
 
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS.
 
What I am being asked to do is impossible (teach such variant grade levels in one class (1st grader, 3rd grader, 4th grader, and 5th grader in Group 1 and two 5th graders, an 8th grader, and a 9th grader in Group 2) with some only coming 1 or 2 days a week, while others come to all 4 classes/week), but I still feel like I’m failing everyone.
A few minutes after typing this, I started venting to Ginny anyway because WordPress was acting up and wouldn’t post. Yet, in talking to her, I felt like such a depressing, annoying, burden. So, I lied and said I had to go to dinner and I’d talk to her later. I cried for a minute, then I stopped fighting. I smashed a light-bulb and used its shards to cut. It was on my arm too!! That means my mom will notice. She’ll be so upset. FAIL.
I guess sleeping to cope only works for so long before you blow up with behaviors.

New Year, New Stress

There are many good moments in every day, but overall I’m struggling.

For example, yesterday:

Sean gave me a Sweet Tart.  We were chatting in the staff kitchen b/c he completed everything! He said, “look what I have!” *looks* “I have those chewy sweet tarts”

Me: “Oh! I love those”

Sean: *smirks*

When we get back to class, he quietly put one on my desk and then flopped on the bean bag. He also stayed awake all day yesterday and completed 6 out of 7 works. Usually he sleeps at least half of the school day.

Jacob is having a tough time because we’re being tougher on him and he moved in with his dad. No one remembered to tell me! That angers me! Seriously?! No one thought to inform me that an emotionally dysregulated 12 year old student in my classroom had a major life change?! However, he got out of an episode of major property destruction in only a half hour, instead of an hour and a half. Plus, there is no hole in my wall!

On that note, I was pissed the principal let him kick a hole in my wall and did not go in to restrain him for over an hour because there was no aggression. However, that is solved now. Ginny talked to the principal and we changed Jacob’s behavior plan.

 

My boss IS leaving at the end of the month. 😥 This freaks me out. I’ve never had a boss I like leave! Not only is she a friend, but also I know she thinks I am good at my job. A new boss throws a lot into chaos. Will he or she like me? With they think I’m good at my job or inept? What will happen with Wednesday lunches? My current boss comes with us. Certainly, Ginny would want to invite the new person o join us so they weren’t alone. However, they might feel awkward with me there since I am an employee. What if they don’t listen to Ginny regarding behavior plans? What if they want me to teach all day, every day and still don’t give me lesson plans?

I wrote the American Chemical Society a long Thank You note because they have a free Chemistry curriculum online! Most complete curriculums require money. I don’t have a budget.

 

Additionally, I’ve used eating disorder behaviors in the past 3 days. I purged twice, binged, and restricted. My mom encouraged me to join Match and EHarmony. I finally joined them. However, now she is bugging me every day, multiple times a day about whether I messaged men she found that she thinks I’d like or whether I found men I think I’d like. It is SO ANNOYING! I know she means well, but it makes me mad.

The Icy 7 Hour SPED Bus Ride

Oh wow!! First of all, the kids didn’t get home until past 1 AM. Second, that bus driver and bus aide are saints!! I can’t imagine diving in an ice storm, with those 3 kids (John and 2 from another program), for over 7 hours!! People at work who didn’t stay said we’re awesome, but we had internet and toys to keep the kids entertained. We had McDonalds to feed them (food soothes ~almost~ everyone 😉 ) and a better than 1:1 ratio. They had one bus driver and one aide!

I’m going to make them cookies and get some type of gift.

Hmm, what should we get for them? We don’t know them well enough to get a gift we know they’d actually enjoy. Personally, I’d prefer money to baked goods or a random gift. Yet putting a cash value on their amazing work seems awkward. How could we possibly quantify that?!??

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Ice Storm from Hell

A few kids were stuck at school until 7 pm. I finally got home! I have a bad track record driving in ice. So, Ginny drove me home even though it is (usually) 20 minutes out of her way. It took her 7 minutes just to get out of my neighborhood!

BEFORE the ice storm, my day was stressful and from about noon onward, I looked at the clock every 5 minutes wishing it was 3 pm.

I put myself with Joe because he was mad that I switched out his staff yesterday morning. He came to school in a bad mood. He ran to recess. I made him go back and walk with me and he spent the rest of recess banging on walls and running toward doors. I thought he was going to throw a chair at the new BCBA, but he just slammed it down next to her and hit the door. I’m surprised he didn’t melt down. He is the student who takes 4 or 5 adult men to keep him safe when he melts down.

Recess was insane as a whole. Gage had at least 2 timeouts, Ron told him to shut up, Sean played on the computer (there should be no tech on recess, but I picked my battles today), Joe, as I said, was running and hitting objects, John wound up in the Quiet Room after aggression because he couldn’t play with the foam blocks, David threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t win a game, and the new kid (who I haven’t made a pseudonym for) also wound up in the Quiet Room after trying to run away and then hitting whoever stopped him. Cory was the only safe, appropriate kid who followed directions!

Sean relatively good; as usual, he purposefully annoyed others. For morning work, we worked on a word wheel where you make as many words as possible using any of the eight outer letters once and always using the center letter once. Everyone engaged in solving the puzzle, but Jacob loved it best and kept working on it during lunch. He had 33 out of 44 words. During one of their breaks, Sean erased all his work. When Jacob noticed he ripped up his paper and started crying. At that point, someone walked in and said his bus was here early because of the approaching storm. Good timing!! Jacob didn’t know who did it and Sean was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

John was the last kid in our program at school. We were there over 3 hours past their usual time. The kids dealt with it better than I did. I scratched, bruised, and used my keys to cut when that wasn’t enough to help. My final exam is due Sunday and I haven’t studied much at all. I planned on studying, but I was stuck with the kids.

Also, someone left a pumpkin muffin on my window sill and I ate it and all the M&Ms I use as reinforcers for the kids. FAIL. I was going to purge, but Ginny was standing right next to one bathroom and one of the students was using the other bathroom. I refused their offer of dinner, but you can’t really call it restricting since I binged on stolen food.

In which I fail

I’m unhappy, but typing doesn’t seem appealing… I don’t like the promotion. Sorry I didn’t post anything this morning. I slept from 4:30 pm to 6:10 am this morning. I don’t know if I’ll post anything tomorrow either. It just depends on whether I get out of this feeling.

Without going into detail, I’m fucking tired of trying not to use behaviors. 😥