Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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I’m Failing Them All

My boss always pushes hands on activities, but the only reason we have the kids in groups is so they can handle a group educational setting after transition. Therefore, maybe it is okay to lecture.
 
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS.
 
What I am being asked to do is impossible (teach such variant grade levels in one class (1st grader, 3rd grader, 4th grader, and 5th grader in Group 1 and two 5th graders, an 8th grader, and a 9th grader in Group 2) with some only coming 1 or 2 days a week, while others come to all 4 classes/week), but I still feel like I’m failing everyone.
A few minutes after typing this, I started venting to Ginny anyway because WordPress was acting up and wouldn’t post. Yet, in talking to her, I felt like such a depressing, annoying, burden. So, I lied and said I had to go to dinner and I’d talk to her later. I cried for a minute, then I stopped fighting. I smashed a light-bulb and used its shards to cut. It was on my arm too!! That means my mom will notice. She’ll be so upset. FAIL.
I guess sleeping to cope only works for so long before you blow up with behaviors.

The Icy 7 Hour SPED Bus Ride

Oh wow!! First of all, the kids didn’t get home until past 1 AM. Second, that bus driver and bus aide are saints!! I can’t imagine diving in an ice storm, with those 3 kids (John and 2 from another program), for over 7 hours!! People at work who didn’t stay said we’re awesome, but we had internet and toys to keep the kids entertained. We had McDonalds to feed them (food soothes ~almost~ everyone 😉 ) and a better than 1:1 ratio. They had one bus driver and one aide!

I’m going to make them cookies and get some type of gift.

Hmm, what should we get for them? We don’t know them well enough to get a gift we know they’d actually enjoy. Personally, I’d prefer money to baked goods or a random gift. Yet putting a cash value on their amazing work seems awkward. How could we possibly quantify that?!??

school-bus-driver-special

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In which I fail

I’m unhappy, but typing doesn’t seem appealing… I don’t like the promotion. Sorry I didn’t post anything this morning. I slept from 4:30 pm to 6:10 am this morning. I don’t know if I’ll post anything tomorrow either. It just depends on whether I get out of this feeling.

Without going into detail, I’m fucking tired of trying not to use behaviors. 😥

Electric Play for the Win

I need to get more sleep. I’ve been so busy lately!! Today we made circuits in Science class; it was a hit with almost everyone. I know they won’t always love the lesson, but I’m excited that my first class went well! Everyone, except Sean, participated and even David answered some questions correctly! Cory switched to the older kids’ group and did well. He interrupted staff and peers much less. However, in the morning, he intentionally set off two kids in his room by targeting their triggers (You’re a weak baby and no one is your friend, respectively). However, everyone turned it around.

Jacob was incredible today! The new kid cursed him out during break and Jacob simply removed himself from the situation and left the gym! When he came back from break, I asked how break was and he started crying. We talked a bit, but he was still upset. I asked him if he wanted to go to the Quiet Room and calm down. HE DID; HE WALKED TO THE QUIET ROOM BEFORE BEHAVIORS!! So, I’m going to give him a 5 minute break pass that he can use at any point tomorrow.

Sean actually did work today and didn’t call me a whore, so, yay? Lol, we’re alike in many ways. I think he is depressed right now. All he wants to do is sleep. Therefore, nothing motivates him. Also, more importantly, he didn’t run out of the building. He eloped 3 times yesterday. Surprisingly, he walked back to class from outside without help, although I got down to “1” in my countdown.

Joe was upset and made me nervous because the principal left for the few hours and Joe is a strong, big kid. When he has a meltdown he needs 4 or 5 men to keep him safe. I’m proud of him for walking with me to the Safe Place (aka QR) and talking about why he was upset. It was great!

Apparently, my boss knows me better than I realize. The new BCBA asked if I was dating. I said I wasn’t and my boss chimed in that I need a dominant man. Someone suggested ChristianMingle and she said, “No, Christian men are too nice for you. You need someone to take control.” The way I responded made her choke on her food while laughing, “How do YOU know that?” I guess it takes one to know one, she said he husband puts her in her place, but not in a mean way; he is dominant.