Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade: Fighters

“If someone were to die at the age of 61 after a lifelong battle with MS or Sickle Cell, we’d all say they were a “fighter” or an “inspiration.” But when someone dies after a lifelong battle with severe mental illness and drug addiction, we say it was a “tragedy” and tell everyone “don’t be like him, please seek help.”

Sorry, but that’s bullshit. Anthony Bourdain sought help his entire life. He struggled for decades. He saw a therapist. He quit heroin and cocaine. He went to rehab. He did this for decades. That’s HOW he made it to 61. For some people, 61 is a miracle. I know so many people who didn’t make it past 31 and I’d do anything to have 30 more years with them.

It was almost me. Before I started doing comedy, I was depressed, anxious, confused, and without a purpose in life. Now I am…still all of those things…but I do have a purpose. The past 5 years have been a gift from God, and have not been possible without constant struggle. Every day is a decision to not give up.

So thank you, Anthony Bourdain. Thank you for making it to 61. Thank you for sharing decades of your life with us. You truly were a blessing.

And for all of those who are staring into the abyss and want to give up, don’t. Struggle. Get a purpose in life. Reach out to friends and family. Go to therapy. Stay alive and give all those extra years to the world. We need you.” – Jeremy McLellan

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Everything You Need

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I like this one because it reminds me of a story my mom tells. I was born at 23 weeks gestation. A few weeks later, she was alone in the early morning, thinking about my twin’s death and wondering when I would follow because the doctors said I was dying from uncontrolled tachycardia. My heart already stopped a few times and they said soon it wouldn’t restart when they intervened. In the midst of her tears, an audible voice interrupted, saying, “She has everything she needs”

Maybe it isn’t about the wrong twin surviving… Maybe it is about being damn lucky to survive with what faculties I possess and trying my best despite the trip wires in my brain.

 

Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

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