I just realized, for the first time in 10 years, the anniversary of my last suicide attempt past without notice (December 23, 2006). I guess my inattention is a good thing? It means I’m not focused on that moment in the past?
So use your voice and be heard.
I first found Kati Morton’s videos while researching Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder. I love her channel! This one speaks to me right now.
The day Ginny asked to get coffee after work, I promised her I’d call her before killing myself. That puts me in a bind. If I don’t call her, she will feel extra guilty. If I do call her and she can’t talk me out of it, she knows where I live. Therefore, she could notify my parents.
If I promise to call my psychiatrist instead, but don’t, she would not know the difference. However, she might think “If only I’d made her promise to call me anyway. I could’ve talked her out of it.” People find a way to feel guilty after suicide regardless, so maybe it doesn’t matter if I lie to her? I’m trying to make sure I lessen the impact on her. In general, she is one of the people who would quickly move on, but not if I screw up and make her feel responsible. Then again, she is logical and fact-based. She would realize I am an independent agent and she could not control my actions.
After all, my psychiatrist made me promise I’d call him, but he made me promise that last time and I did not call him before attempting suicide. Consequently, I’ not sure why he believes me when I promised I’d call him this time.