Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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Anxiety over Promotion and People

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Today was good. I think my boss and the new BCBA are still mad at me, but things seemed less cold between us than yesterday.

Cory is going downhill again. 😦 It was like Deja Vu when he started head banging and talking with a flat affect. Hopefully today was a blip and he’ll move on, instead of cycling like years past.

He had O.T. in the afternoon and Iris (the O.T. therapist) can make anyone laugh. Matthew and I worked with Cory in the afternoon. Neither of us could figure out the game she had him play and she was (good naturedly) making fun of us. Then she remembered we were both SPED kids as children and asked more about Matthew’s history. Of course, who knows if anything he says is true.

I hoped to eat with Ginny, but predictably that is not happen. I ate anyway. I am proud of that! Often when I don’t get what I want, I become angry and use behaviors, even though it hurts no one but myself. I realized, no one knows what I’m saying through behaviors, but I’m inept at using words to talk about emotions IRL. Expressing my emotions through self-destruction seems so natural. I even talked to people other than my boss at lunch! Usually, I keep to myself, even though there are around 8 other people in the room.

I’m still anxious about the promotion. I won’t get to work with any of my favorite kids again, other than Gage. I’m worried about Cory because they’re switching him to the other room and that classroom supervisor never worked with him. I’ll miss John and David, a lot. I’m not sure I really want it. Thinking about it only fills me with dread, unhappiness, and anxiety. Of course, I’m not telling my boss that!

I’m also still concerned about my friendship with Ginny. I wrote myself a social story about using my words to tell people how I feel. It seems to help.