I Give Up

Fuck this. I’m sick of fighting the urges. Coping skills don’t work. I’m asking for Monday and Tuesday off. I WILL BEAT MY 5 DAY WATER FAST RECORD! At least, I’ll be happy for a few days. Plus, I think Ginny knows I messed up because she has feedback for both Heather and I. So, restricting will help me feel better after our meeting on Wednesday.

No lunch with people on Wednesday because someone has a baby shower (to which I’m not invited – which,¬† surprisingly, doesn’t bother me too much). Therefore, I’m not eating from now until Wednesday, November 16th. I planned to eat tomorrow because I’d have to eat on Wednesday anyway, but now I have no reason to eat tomorrow.

 

Edit: More failure, YAY!!! Binging. My inpatient dietician called it “the last meal syndrome” when you plan to restrict starting tomorrow, you try to eat everything you’ll ever want to eat because you’ll never get to eat it again. To purge or not to purge? Depends on how guilty and angry I feel. At the moment, I feel a lot of both.

Edit 2: I did not purge and I am not asleep. My mom got home and I realized I had laundry to do for being away for a week.

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Restricting makes me strong

I haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. It would be over 48 hours, but I absentmindedly accepted 3 skittles yesterday. It is strange how quickly the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I caught myself thinking, “Only weak people need food. You are stupid, but you’re stronger than they are.”

I’m debating what I’ll do about lunch tomorrow. Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. At the moment, I don’t want to eat. Consequently, I’m thinking about not going to lunch. On the other hand, I want to talk to people (PROGRESS!).

My suicidal ideation is increasing again. I’m an idiot and I keep forgetting my noon pill!

I’m considering consistently tracking urges again. I used to track them in therapy. Sometimes it helped me see all the urges I did not act on and it helped me problem solve triggering situations. On the other hand, sometimes tracking urges made me think about them more. I’d fixate on them, instead of letting them pass over me. I wish I knew the difference between the days that it helped and the days it made me more upset.

I started tracking urges today. There were more than I realized: 8 SIB urges and 2 suicidal ideations¬†before 3:15 pm. The triggers were all typical. Either someone messed up a behavior plan AGAIN, I felt jealous or inferior, or I made a mistake. I noticed the suicidal thoughts occurred after SIB urges. Meaning they weren’t totally out of the blue. I resisted SIB, but had no adequate alternative to decrease my distress. Therefore, my distress remained high and my thoughts got worse.

I was happy when my boss independently commented on how people are following through with John’s screaming. I get so mad! I KNOW everyone makes mistakes. I make them all the time. I get angry when people continually make the same mistakes because that equals a pattern. They’re ruining the behavior plans’ effectiveness.

don't confuse my bad days with weakness, those are the days I'm fighting the hardest.jpg

I don’t know how I’m going to handle tonight. It probably doesn’t look like I’m trying very hard, but right now I am doing the best I can to survive and that might mean using less dangerous behaviors.

More Alone Time

My dad is leaving tomorrow morning. My mom won’t be happy!

I realized I’m making this too complicated. Death from Bulimia or Anorexia is much more socially acceptable. People won’t feel the same anger and guilt. All I have to do is either not eat and drink for 3 days or simply stop fighting my eating disorder urges.

*sigh* When he first told me he was leaving tomorrow morning I felt happy because it meant I’d have more time to do whatever disordered things I feel like doing. Now I feel sad because it just became more difficult to take care of myself. I suppose I still have my own dogs to take care of at home.

i-can

On the bright side, I could only initially label my feeling as, “wanting to cut”, but as I typed, I realized I feel sad.

Plus, there is a day of reckoning on Wednesday for my co-workers and I’m excited for things to be set straight. Ex. Don’t let kids bite other kids, don’t talk about inappropriate things in front of the student. As a result, I have to stick around for that!