Decisions about Water Fasts

Successfully fasting at the moment, but I’m doubting my decisions.

First of all, I anticipate feeling upset tomorrow afternoon once I meet with Ginny. I remember not wanting to go to work the day after I got in trouble at work. Therefore, I’m afraid I’ll feel the same way about returning to work after Wednesday. Taking 4 days off prolongs and increases that anxiety. I don’t want to make going to work after our meeting more difficult.

Second, I know my mom will be furious and scared. I don’t want to either anger or scare her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I lose 7 pounds in 7 days, I will hurt her.

I could take only 2 days off. I want to take at least 2 days off because I’m stressed out. Perhaps I could take Friday and Monday off. I like that idea because it will make both this week and next week seem shorter. Plus, I won’t ditch work the day after I meet with Ginny. However, I won’t be able to beat a fasting record if I do that.

Also, one of the kids is transitioning soon and his last day might be any day from Thursday to Tuesday. I have no clue.

If I stay home Thursday and Friday, I can reach 6 days of water fasting before work on Monday. That beats my old record of 5 days. However, I’ll be ONE DAY short of a week long water fast. That seems like a waste.

I’m not sure why a week matters, but it sounds so much nicer than 6 days. If I want to make a week, I’d need to continue fasting, which means I’d either take Monday off or go to work having not eaten in 6 days. The latter seems like a horrible idea.

I feel like I need some behaviors! I wanted to cut all day today. I think I did a better job hiding my emotions, but feelings hurt. Technically, I did self-injure, but it was just scratching and only drew a little bit of blood.

My choices are take Thursday through Tuesday off, take Friday through Monday off, take no time off, or take Monday and Tuesday off. What should I do?

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I Give Up

Fuck this. I’m sick of fighting the urges. Coping skills don’t work. I’m asking for Monday and Tuesday off. I WILL BEAT MY 5 DAY WATER FAST RECORD! At least, I’ll be happy for a few days. Plus, I think Ginny knows I messed up because she has feedback for both Heather and I. So, restricting will help me feel better after our meeting on Wednesday.

No lunch with people on Wednesday because someone has a baby shower (to which I’m not invited – which,  surprisingly, doesn’t bother me too much). Therefore, I’m not eating from now until Wednesday, November 16th. I planned to eat tomorrow because I’d have to eat on Wednesday anyway, but now I have no reason to eat tomorrow.

 

Edit: More failure, YAY!!! Binging. My inpatient dietician called it “the last meal syndrome” when you plan to restrict starting tomorrow, you try to eat everything you’ll ever want to eat because you’ll never get to eat it again. To purge or not to purge? Depends on how guilty and angry I feel. At the moment, I feel a lot of both.

Edit 2: I did not purge and I am not asleep. My mom got home and I realized I had laundry to do for being away for a week.

People have a tendency to leave

Still having SIB urges over Ginny leaving. I had urges as soon as I woke up.

I’m proud of myself for not expressing all my angst and urges to Ginny last night. She was very stressed out for multiple reasons, not all of which are work related. So, I did a good job of focusing on her and not freaking out on her.

Furthermore, I didn’t cut, binge, purge, or restrict, even though I wanted to do all those things. Last night, this blog successfully served its main purpose!

i-can

I’m still leaning toward water fasting while I house sit next week. Part of me is worried Ginny will withdraw from me again like she did when I fasted on the winery weekend. Another part of me, says that she (like everyone) will not keep in touch once she leaves work, even though she’ll be in town, and therefore I shouldn’t care.

Another Friend Bites the Dust

people have a tendency to go away miss them_Dawn summers_Buffy.gif

Ginny said she is leaving our workplace! Oh NO! This is a disaster!! If she leaves, she can’t supervise me. I need 1,500 hours of supervision. I can only get 30 hours/week. That takes longer than a year based on the school’s schedule.

If she leaves, I have no reason not to apply to a Master’s program that requires an intensive practicum. All of the online Master’s degrees, except one, require that you obtain your supervision hours through a practicum that they supervise. I didn’t want to do any of those because I love my job and Ginny is supervising me. If she is no longer able to supervise me, I have less incentive to stay. I can just do a regular Master’s program and move somewhere to do the practicum. The school I’m currently taking the course at, has a practicum site one state away.

I’m freaking out right now. I want to cut, really badly.

Also, I asked for Thursday and Friday off because I am house sitting. That means I have no one expecting me to eat for a week. I can take those days off and water fast without endangering anyone at work. I told her my plan (I think I told her in an attempt to guilt myself into going to work. My plan was successful because until she told me she might leave, I resigned myself to working next week.) Once she told me she might leave, I panicked and felt abandoned. Abandonment is a huge trigger. After the initial panic and then some logical thoughts about school, my next thought was, “Screw this, I’m NOT working next week. I am going to fast.”

Now, is this an attempt to escape my feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear? Or is it an attempt to communicate those feelings to her? If I hadn’t told her my plan in the first place, I could more confidently say I simply wanted to escape my feelings. Since I already told her, I am not sure. Perhaps it is both. After all, staying home and water fasting will accomplish both goals of escaping my feelings and communicating my anger.

 

Edited to Add: 3 hours later and I still have SIB urges. 😦 I started an application, but I’m still anxious and upset.

Inappropriate Adults and Inadequacy

a special kind of person.jpg

I dropped my grandma’s car off to be painted. Luckily, a few hours later, I got a call that my car was ready for pick up. I told my mom about the car. She wasn’t mad. In fact, she high-fived me when I said I didn’t hurt myself over it.

I’m a bit of a bad mood. Gage had a tough day, but that isn’t why I’m in a bad mood. I’m upset staff laughed when he tried to touch another student inappropriately. The other student backed away. Therefore, Gage did not make contact. So, theoretically, Gage might have been reaching for the edge of the other boy’s jacket, which ended at his crotch. However, I know he recently touched staff inappropriately. I don’t believe there is any malice in his actions, nor do I think he is being abused. I think staff inadvertently reinforced the behavior by laughing. For example, about a year ago, he touched Mark’s butt and everyone laughed. When my co-worker brought it up in our meeting last week, people laughed. I wanted to cut because the co-worker working with the other boy LAUGHED. NOT OKAY. Of course, Gage started laughing when my co-worker laughed. I guess some people aren’t made for this job.

Also, we got to leave early today because parent teacher conferences started this afternoon. However, we had to work until 1 pm (we usually have lunch at 12) and then leave early. The administration, therapists, classroom supervisors, and behaviorists left at 12 to eat and returned when we left. That meant I didn’t get to eat with Ginny, et al. As a result, I haven’t eaten today. There was no point anymore. I planned to eat today, until she told me the plan. Wednesday usually gives me a reason to eat because there is added social pressure when we’re at a restaurant. Without that social pressure, Wednesday is a good day to fast because I only have to worry about restraining kids in the morning. In addition, the separation is a stark reminder that I am not good enough and they all know it. Ashley was among the group eating at noon. That reminds me of my inferiority because she got the promotion to classroom supervisor and I did not. She will be there all evening and all day tomorrow and Friday with Ginny, my boss, and the therapists. Time off work is nice, but it just reminds me how I am never good enough. If I was good enough, I’d be involved in parent teacher conferences tonight.

During that hour where we cleaned the classrooms, while the others ate, Gage was outside by himself for over a half hour. I told Barb that he was outside without an adult when she got back to school and she went over to yell at the afterschool program people. Apparently, they didn’t even know he was missing!! Once we finished cleaning, we played with him, but he could be riding his bike down the highway and they’d have no clue!

 

Flip the Eating Disorder Switch

You know you have a problem when the thought of eating with acquaintances, after realizing you haven’t lost weight since yesterday, makes you cry.

I decided it isn’t the size of the group that bothers me. I’m upset that I don’t know everyone well.

It is like there is a tripwire in my brain. For the past few weeks, I haven’t really used eating disorder behaviors because I’ve been self-injuring instead. However, once I skip 2 meals in a day, a switch flips in my brain and I start weighing  myself. I worry about fat. All these thoughts flood my mind. “You don’t deserve food. You’re weak. If you don’t eat, you’re strong and superior to others. Look at their weakness. You’re pathetic, but at least, you can do this. If you were nicer and prettier and a better person, you’d be worthy of food. But you’re a terrible person. All you do is hurt people. You don’t deserve to eat. You’re a waste of space. I want you to disappear.”

When People Pleasing is Good

It is strange that I responded to Iris (the O.T. therapist) during lunch. I’m trying to introspect and figure out the dynamic. Usually when someone confronts me about restricting, while I’m restricting, I become stubborn and flat out refuse to eat anything.

Yet, this time I ate a little bit. Ginny didn’t even notice that I started trying and ate a bit. All she only saw restricting. She doesn’t understand that eating a few bites is a big deal when you haven’t eaten in almost 2 days and plan to continue fasting for days.

Regardless, I’m curious about why Iris’s prompts worked. I think it worked because I hate the idea of people being mad at me. On the other hand, I’ve fasted in front of both Iris and Ginny before, but neither of them ever confronted me in the moment.