Goodbye Meds, Hello Warm and Fuzzies

I skipped one too many psychiatric appointment and now I’m running out of meds. My next appointment is on Memorial Day, so I don’t know whether my pdoc will be in the office. The following week, I am out of town. I’m using this opportunity to titrate (or go cold turkey on the meds I’m completely out of) off meds.

It turns out my “self-control” is all about amphetamines at the moment! I only started Ritalin and then Adderall in college, so I successfully restricted without meds in the past. However, my lack of self-control over food and studying is hurting my self-esteem.

My parents commented that I “look better”. Argh, thanks guys. In my head, “you don’t look like you’re starving anymore” is an insult.

On another note, I’m on a two week break from work and this is something a student turned in on Friday:

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Alone in the House with Anxiety

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My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.

I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.

 

Changes are Coming

My day was exciting and anxiety provoking.

I worked with David all day. A new student came to tour with his mom. David was best friends with the new student at their old school. They gave each other a huge hug when they saw one another! The new kid is a cute 9 year old. He also murdered the class pet in front of everyone else.

The dynamics are about to be switched up majorly! All the boys in Ashley’s room helped give the new student a tour. Predictably, they all wanted to be the tour leader. John screamed and cried. Cory brooded. David was adorable showing his friend the ropes! The new kid ran in the hallway and before I could say anything, David says, “You have to walk in the hallway.” Later they went outside for one of David’s breaks, his friend turns to leave the room and David says, “Wait! You have to wait for staff!” So, at least for today, David was a positive influence on the new student. His actions gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

There are already issues. Like I said, Cory and John were jealous and the new student already seems to dislike them. He asked David which kids he didn’t like so that he could dislike the same kids. I envision them teaming up on other students and the new kid being the ring-leader. He was kind helping David in math class. The new kid is on grade level and David is not.

I start my new job on Monday. I don’t know if I can handle not working with these 3. Clearly, I have favorites.

Cory seems to be cycling again. He is head banging and getting a flat affect when he is upset. I’m worried the 3rd classroom supervisor won’t be able to react neutrally towards him. He loves manipulating emotions. Actually, it was funny! A few weeks ago, I worked with him and Heather was also working with him. She took something away. I don’t remember what or why, but he was unhappy. He started rambling, “I have feelings to you know! Every one has feelings.” *hits Heather* “See? You have feelings too Heather. I can tell on your face.” Note: He did not hit me. I am a boss at hiding my emotions and he has given up trying to goad me. He knows I can outlast him. I’m going to miss him whether or not he cycles. When he does well he is sweet and smart. When he struggles, he is like a puzzle because he isn’t motivated by anything other than pissing other people off.

David asked me to make him Giant Man. I did. He carried it around with him all day. ❤ He had two episodes in the morning, both after seeing his old friend. That bodes ill! However, he pulled it together and made it to the Talent Show. It went well. He was upset his parents couldn’t come, but his old teacher and principal showed up! We couldn’t tell him, in case they didn’t make it, but he was so excited when he saw them! We ran (err, speed walked 😉 ) around the building, showing them everything. Oddly, he wanted to show them the Quiet Room, even though he’d been there earlier in the morning. His teacher asked what we have at his new school that they should use at his home school district. He said, “We have fun.” She brought him a rose! He was too shy to do his act, but he did part of it and he got up on stage.

Gage had aggression during his act, but he was okay. It was mainly excitement. It still isn’t nice to hit adults though. I AM excited to work with him more often. He continues to regress. Also, I can challenge him academically! When I filled in for the 3rd classroom supervisor when she was on maternity leave last year, I had him doing multiplication and division. Months before they had him identifying more vs. less.

I’m going to have Gage, Jacob, and Sean in my classroom. That will be… interesting… because Barb hasn’t been making them do any work for the last half hour of the day and she is easier than I am on inappropriate language. However, my boss keeps reminding me, I’ll be good for Sean because he needs that and his school district wants him back in January. In order for that to go well, he needs to use appropriate language because we ignore a lot here, but he will get in trouble at his old school or another kid will hurt him. He won’t be used to getting in trouble, he’ll have behaviors, and he’ll wind up  back here.

I have to teach History and Science. I’m worried about lesson planning. I’m worried about meeting state standards and keeping their interest and teaching well. *sigh* I’m more anxious, than happy.

Also my favorite holiday is coming up, the day everyone binges, aka Thanksgiving.

I’ve wanted to purge for the past 4 hours. I ate 2 cookies after the Talent Show. I slept for an hour and a half and that helped, but I still want to purge. Thanksgiving will be great.

My mom weighed me this morning. I was “up” a pound (I was dressed in heavy clothes) and she says, “Yay! Now that is approaching perfection. Gee…Thanks, Mom.

On a positive note, my grandma is out of the hospital and appears fine!

How we Measure Progress

I belong to a pro-ana Facebook group. Give or take a few girls leaving for recovery, the same 50 girls have belonged to the group for over 2 years. One of my best friends there asked how I was doing because I hadn’t posted in a while. I told them about school, coming out, and my weight. The overwhelming response?

“WOW, you’re doing so well!”

Not surprising from a bunch of eating disordered girls. But it got me thinking about priorities. Is this, our weight, really the most important measure of our worth or success? I would like to say no.Fringe_its all just nubmers

It makes me sad that we put so much emphasis on our appearance. Let’s see… I almost killed myself more than once last semester, I cried – a lot, I was almost involuntarily hospitalized, I barely passed my classes, I rarely attended class or read material, and I lost my scholarship…but WOW, you lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time!!

Why does it always have to be about looks

Maybe it is because we hate everything about ourselves and our weight is at least something we can change, whereas other things are relatively immutable like intelligence.